By Definition…

Anxiety-
Noun (plural anxieties)
-a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome
-desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease
-a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks

I have been trying to write about this for a while. I have been trying to put my thoughts into writing on anxiety and mental health. Ironically, the thought of writing about anxiety gives me anxiety. As a person who struggles with multiple forms of anxiety, the irony of that is comical to me. While I do have some fear of judgement related to speaking openly about a mental health struggle, I also recognize that a lot of people are struggling with anxiety in some form during this incredibly uncertain time.

2020 has been an interesting year for me. It started with the realization that I was going through some mental health stuff and I needed clinical help to cope with it. Then came a death in my family followed by an immediate pivot into pandemic and quarantine. Now we are into a period of civil unrest in our country. Listen, that’s just the big stuff. Intermingled in that are feelings of fear, uncertainty, struggles with family and friends, and a new level of exhaustion. I can only imagine so many of you are dealing with a lot of similar feelings.

I am going to start out talking about the basics, first. Every single person has an amygdala in their brain. It controls things like memory, decision making, and emotional responses. When things get crazy or scary, the amygdala sends signals to the hypothalamus and the sympathetic nervous system is activated. That, my friends, is your fight or flight response that ultimately sends adrenaline into the blood. Fight or flight is an important response in the body. It protects us in the worst situation. It shuts down things like digestive functions, hunger, and thirst to help us get thru imminent danger. A person who struggles with anxiety has an amygdala that is on overdrive. This means that they spend time in fight or flight response when they may not be in imminent danger.

Now let me tell you what all this means for me. I have both general and social anxiety. Yup, most people would interpret me to be an extrovert and I still struggle with social anxiety. Talk about a fun anomaly.

With general anxiety, there are times when I can’t let things go because my brain thinks there is some inevitable danger that is coming my way. I will literally tell myself to stop thinking about things over and over, but it doesn’t help. I often must find something to focus on, like music, or a book, or some meaningless Netflix show to take my mind away from what has me feeling some kind of way. On the worst days, there are anxiety attacks. The adrenaline from fight or flight takes over and I can’t breathe or stop my thinking from going to the worst of places. It is scary. I know that most people are probably thinking that I just need to calm down or recognize that I am not in danger. I agree and I’d love to do that. When things get out of control, I rationally understand that I need to stop and that there is no real danger or threat… but it’s not simple to make it stop.

Social anxiety is not what you think it is. I am not afraid of crowds or being around people. I love being around people most of the time. That’s agoraphobia, which is also a form of anxiety. Social anxiety is more like this constant feeling that I am always being judged in social situations. I replay things in my head constantly and always wonder if I should’ve said something different. I read something that basically said that social anxiety is a lot like conspiracy theorizing about yourself. Nothing has resonated like that did. Essentially, I am always wondering if I am likable or if I just think I am, and others are just pretending to like me. Even typing that makes me cringe internally because it sounds so dumb, but it is true. I will reread text message conversations every single day wondering if anything I said could be misconstrued or taken the wrong way. When someone I know looks at me weird or is having an off day in my presence, I replay the last things I said to them wondering if I might’ve said something to upset them.

All of this is not ideal, but it doesn’t stop me from living a normal life. I must manage it and find outlets… like writing overly honest blogs about mental health. I must avoid certain situations when I am feeling off. There are times, when after a couple days that are particularly full of social interaction, I need time to recuperate. During those times, I might ignore my phone or even turn it off so I can just focus on relaxing. Unfortunately, there are times when I must avoid certain people to protect my own mental health. Some days all I can do is focus on the tasks in front of me. There will also be days where I will prioritize a workout over some other social outing because working out helps keep me calm.

I have been kicking around writing this for days. I have started, stopped, and restarted writing repeatedly. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. I am not the only one that is on the struggle bus with mental health right now. I’d even argue that some who have never struggled with mental health are feeling overly anxious or stressed with all the uncertainty in the world. Please know that if you are struggling, you are not alone. I am always here to talk or distract you when you need it. Even those of us who look put together and play the part of a functioning adult well are dealing with mental health issues. It is okay to admit that some days are difficult, and often some weeks or even months are difficult. If nothing else is gained from this, please know that none of us must suffer alone.