Tag: not okay

A low point. A lull. A dark place. Depression.

I would put money down on the fact that none of those words or phrases sparked good feelings in you. Yeah, me either. However, sometimes they are my reality… like right now.

I am in a pretty weird place mentally right now. I can’t explain why I feel like I do. I can even rationally and objectively say that there’s no real reason for it. I woke up in fog like 10 days ago, and besides a slight break when I was visiting family and had some excitement and happiness around that, I feel like I can’t shake it. I am tired… no, exhausted, in a way that I can’t describe other than to say that sleep doesn’t help. I wouldn’t say that I feel sad, but I definitely feel pretty apathetic. I am having a hard time relating to anyone so I’ve been pretty much sticking to myself unless I have to be around others. I guess that’s what the mental health world would call self-isolation.

I have been dealing with some mental health stuff for a few months now that I’m not ready to go into detail on, but it’s been a lot to process. I spent so much time and energy trying to understand it that I honestly think I totally zapped myself of all energy. I am still my highly functional self at work, but when the day is done, I feel like all my energy went into work and I have nothing left to give to friends, my husband, and family. I have been fortunate that I have had several days where I was scheduled to be off during all of this. I haven’t worked out in over 2 weeks and, while I know I need to, I haven’t been able to make myself. Maybe some of it is the social aspect. I absolutely love doing CrossFit and thoroughly enjoy the people I work out with, but I am so afraid that they’ll see me like this that I’ve avoided going. I told myself that I would work out this afternoon. I am going to try to keep that commitment to myself.

Normally when I write, I try to approach the world in a positive way. Forgive me, but today, I just can’t. I am honestly only writing in hopes that spilling my guts onto a keyboard and screen will give me some perspective. Here’s the honest truth, I am tired, self-isolating, and down. I know I won’t be here forever. I know the fog will lift and I’ll see the sun again. I don’t know when, but I know it will happen. That said, how I feel right now really friggin’ sucks. It might not be the most positive and uplifting thing to read, but it is reality. One of the things that I pride myself on is being willing to be open and honest and show you who I really am. It is a goal of mine to use my platform to show reality, even when reality isn’t all that pretty. Currently, on a lot of days, it takes all my energy just to get out of bed and look like a human. Then I scrape more energy together to get through my work days. I feel really foggy when I go into conversations, but I think I am doing an okay job of faking it when I need to. Faking it… not ideal but also a reality for many of us.

Maybe sitting here writing this will help. Maybe it won’t. It’s okay if it doesn’t and it would be great if it did. Either way, I will be okay, and if nothing else, I feel less alone when I am “talking” in this blog. Sometimes the starting point is just saying “hey, I’m not okay right now.” It is okay not to be okay… and today I am not okay.