Tag: life

Beautifully Bipolar… A Mental Illness Story.

Here’s the thing about mental illness, you don’t know how to navigate it unless you have it, but even then, you don’t know how to navigate it. 

I spent a lot of years thinking so many things I was dealing with were just normal things everyone goes through and that I was probably over exaggerating and being dramatic. Think TikTok videos… “I’m not the drama. Wait. Am I the drama?” I spent so much time trying to hide how I was feeling that it became uncomfortable to even face reality. So uncomfortable, that I would intentionally make myself so busy that I just flat out didn’t have time to face reality. I stayed so damn busy for so long and stuffed my feelings for so long that I legitimately made myself physically ill more than once. There were days when it took all my energy just to get out of bed, but I’d manage to put on a happy face and survive my day. Work would end and I’d immediately go to bed from the sheer exhaustion of being a human. This would sometimes go on for weeks. Then I’d wake up one day with a ton of energy and feel “normal.” Normal, to me, meant having endless energy and being able to get all the things done that I didn’t do for the previous few weeks cuz all I could do was work and sleep. 

This is a story… a story of madness of a high functional variety. If it is too much for you, that’s okay. I get it. It’s too much for me most of the time too. 

Let’s back up to where I remember things starting. If I am really being honest, this started much earlier in my life than I realized, possibly even at birth. I have some pretty clear memories of times in my teenage years where I did some pretty manic shit, but we can start where I feel like a big shift happened. I think I was around 24 (I’m almost 38 now, for reference) when I had my first brush with madness. I would have these intense bursts of emotion and irritation where I just couldn’t be nice. This was the first time I went to the doctor and said I was “crazy” and needed help. I was a young woman at the time, so naturally, it was easy to diagnose my “crazy” as something hormonal. We called it Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). This was a fair diagnosis because there had always been a cyclical quality to my moods and it did sometimes align with my menstrual cycle. The first solution was birth control pills. Guess what happened? Things went from bad to worse. I felt like I added menstrual rage onto whatever was going on in the first place. It was not good. So, it was back to the drawing board, and the next solution was a daily antidepressant to cure my PMDD and hopefully tame whatever I was going through. That little pill made me feel the worst I’d ever felt in my life to that point. My first brush with insomnia came with this medication. I was either crying, pissed off, or totally apathetic pretty much every day for a year. I really gave it a college try, mostly because I was trying hard to keep my then boyfriend/fiancé from running for the hills with his hair on fire. Spoiler alert, he didn’t run for the hills, thank God. At some point, I was a really terrible patient and just stopped taking it. I pretty much gave up on medical management at that point.

Then came the 10 years of just trying to self manage this, which is a joke, because I was just masking everything with being busy. From 25-35 or so, I stayed busy, like REALLY, REALLY BUSY. I decided to get my Bachelor’s Degree in Health and Business Administration. I was also working full time. When I say I went back to school, I mean I went BACK with guns blazing. I refused to get anything less than an A in a class. I think my first B in college didn’t come until my last year of my program, and I had an epic meltdown over that B. Looking back from where I sit now, I know that was a very unhealthy response to what most would consider a pretty damn good grade. I went to school full time and worked full time for 5 years. I walked away with a 3.9 GPA and an unhealthy addiction to drinking coffee at all hours of the night. I also walked away with my degree and an overwhelming fear of how I was going to fill the time that was spent studying for the last 5 years. Every single time I slowed down, I had to be alone with my thoughts, which was so much worse than taking on too much constantly. College came and went, and I lucked into my first post collegiate job pretty quickly, with the company I still work for. It was a sales job with a large territory. Perfect for keeping yourself busy constantly. I still do the traveling sales gal bit, but my approach to it is much different than it used to be. So from 30-35, I ran myself ragged and made a name and a career for myself. A lot of good came from the period of time where I didn’t seek out treatment and just stayed busy, but it didn’t come without a cost. 

Fast forward to January 2020. A lot of personal things had been bogging me down for awhile, including a friendship that came to an abrupt end that hurt my heart in ways I still cannot express. I started really falling into a rut and was using a lot of words like “depressed,” “hopeless,” ”exhausted,” and “lost” in conversation. I was fortunate enough to have another good friend pick up on it and tell me I needed to go talk to a doctor. I’ll never forget that moment. The conversation actually occurred over text message and I am forever grateful for that moment. I don’t know what it would have had to happen for me to go in had it not been for that conversation. Mind you, while all of this was going on, I was still functioning at work and at home without a huge noticeable difference to others, although there was a huge cost to me during all of this. I went in to see my primary care provider (another incredible blessing of a person), who diagnosed me with some form of anxiety and depression. She started me on a new antidepressant, and I went on my way. When I started the med, a big red flag went up, that I promptly ignored. I went from really down to incredibly elevated really fast. I was so elevated that I didn’t sleep for 4 nights, basically at all. However, instead of calling my doctor and telling her, I just assumed this was a normal side effect. In case you were wondering, not sleeping for 4 nights is a side effect of methamphetamine, not antidepressants. For the record, I did not consume any methamphetamine during this time or any other time. Just some clarity. 🙂 

That initial elevated mood and insomnia subsided some, and I continued taking this medication for maybe 9 months or so. I started to notice that my moods were up and down again, and when they were up, it wasn’t really a happy thing. I was like a pissed off Energizer Bunny. Imagine feeling really energetic and also wanting to hurt someone all at once. No bueno. My anxiety levels were also seemingly high, so I went back in to my primary care provider and we switched to a newer age antidepressant. I felt some initial relief, and continued to take this one for another 6 months or so. It was most likely helping some of the anxiety I had been struggling with, which probably explained some of the relief I was feeling. 

Fast forward to August of 2021. I started noticing I was feeling highs and lows again, to the point where other people had even started to notice and say something. I can clearly remember my husband and I having a teary conversation, where he told me “your highs are so high, but your lows are alarmingly low.” I cried and cried that day because I felt so deflated and defeated knowing that I needed to go back to the clinic again. At that point, I really felt like I was on a never ending journey. There are 50 some odd antidepressants on the market and I had begun to feel like I was just going to have to try them all just to feel normal. 

That visit with my primary care provider happened on a hot day. Another memory that’s etched in my brain was the moment when she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to scare you or anything, but this sounds a lot like bipolar disorder.” I told her I wasn’t afraid, but I was lying. I was terrified. I was overwhelmed by the stigma in my own psyche. I went through almost a grief cycle where I felt like I was mourning some old version of myself despite nothing really changing other than the mention of a word. This is where the journey took a huge turn for the better, surprisingly. She referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner and everything has started to fall into place. My psych got me off of the antidepressants and their disastrous side effects. Fun fact, with bipolar disorder, an antidepressant can cause mania or hypomania. Remember way back in the story when I didn’t sleep for 4 nights and thought that was normal? Turns out, it wasn’t normal. After I came off the antidepressants, I have been gradually adding and increasing medications that are for bipolar maintenance, and I can honestly say this is the best I’ve felt in nearly 15 years. There are still episodes and I have to work hard to be aware of triggers every single day, but I feel good more than I feel like shit, and I am not afraid to be alone with my thoughts anymore. 

I know this one has been long, so if you’re still here, I want to make a few more points. The stigma around mental illness is very real. I am living, breathing proof that it is possible to function and have an illness like bipolar disorder. Yes, of course, there is a spectrum and it certainly doesn’t look the same for everyone. Statistically, about 2.8% of adults in the US have bipolar, which means you likely know someone who has it whether you’re aware or not. For many of you reading, I might be that person but there could very well be more. There is a whole community of people on social media who I’ve been fortunate to learn about that are out there spreading awareness and doing amazing things in the world. Another point I’d like to make is that if you are struggling on a mental illness journey, please don’t give up. I fully understand how challenging it can be, and so many have ridden this roller coaster a lot longer than I have. I also know that my ride on this roller coaster isn’t over and I will inevitably struggle again. However, if you’ve reached your breaking point, just don’t give up. Keep pushing forward. If you’re reading this and you relate to it, don’t interpret that to mean anything more than that you relate to it. It’s okay to feel empathy or relate to a mental illness story. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly how we stop the stigma. 

Low

A low point. A lull. A dark place. Depression.

I would put money down on the fact that none of those words or phrases sparked good feelings in you. Yeah, me either. However, sometimes they are my reality… like right now.

I am in a pretty weird place mentally right now. I can’t explain why I feel like I do. I can even rationally and objectively say that there’s no real reason for it. I woke up in fog like 10 days ago, and besides a slight break when I was visiting family and had some excitement and happiness around that, I feel like I can’t shake it. I am tired… no, exhausted, in a way that I can’t describe other than to say that sleep doesn’t help. I wouldn’t say that I feel sad, but I definitely feel pretty apathetic. I am having a hard time relating to anyone so I’ve been pretty much sticking to myself unless I have to be around others. I guess that’s what the mental health world would call self-isolation.

I have been dealing with some mental health stuff for a few months now that I’m not ready to go into detail on, but it’s been a lot to process. I spent so much time and energy trying to understand it that I honestly think I totally zapped myself of all energy. I am still my highly functional self at work, but when the day is done, I feel like all my energy went into work and I have nothing left to give to friends, my husband, and family. I have been fortunate that I have had several days where I was scheduled to be off during all of this. I haven’t worked out in over 2 weeks and, while I know I need to, I haven’t been able to make myself. Maybe some of it is the social aspect. I absolutely love doing CrossFit and thoroughly enjoy the people I work out with, but I am so afraid that they’ll see me like this that I’ve avoided going. I told myself that I would work out this afternoon. I am going to try to keep that commitment to myself.

Normally when I write, I try to approach the world in a positive way. Forgive me, but today, I just can’t. I am honestly only writing in hopes that spilling my guts onto a keyboard and screen will give me some perspective. Here’s the honest truth, I am tired, self-isolating, and down. I know I won’t be here forever. I know the fog will lift and I’ll see the sun again. I don’t know when, but I know it will happen. That said, how I feel right now really friggin’ sucks. It might not be the most positive and uplifting thing to read, but it is reality. One of the things that I pride myself on is being willing to be open and honest and show you who I really am. It is a goal of mine to use my platform to show reality, even when reality isn’t all that pretty. Currently, on a lot of days, it takes all my energy just to get out of bed and look like a human. Then I scrape more energy together to get through my work days. I feel really foggy when I go into conversations, but I think I am doing an okay job of faking it when I need to. Faking it… not ideal but also a reality for many of us.

Maybe sitting here writing this will help. Maybe it won’t. It’s okay if it doesn’t and it would be great if it did. Either way, I will be okay, and if nothing else, I feel less alone when I am “talking” in this blog. Sometimes the starting point is just saying “hey, I’m not okay right now.” It is okay not to be okay… and today I am not okay.

Letting Go… Maybe?

Letting go… one of the hardest concepts in life.

Think about all the things that are hard to let go of. Right down to material possessions like old clothes and homes, I think humans really struggle to let go. There are things that are harder to release yourself from like memories, both good and bad, people, thoughts, whether negative or positive, our own toxic traits, and so many other things.

As I think about the year 2020, one of the things I struggled with the hardest was letting go. I’d guess that everyone has had some struggles this year. This has been a year full of “will things ever be normal again?” We have clung so tightly to what once was that, at times, it has been difficult to enjoy where we are now.

My inability to let go has taken so much joy from my days in the last year. When I say that, I know I am judging my own feelings, which is not okay, but I am choosing to hang on to this, and I know that. I have been in situations that have been incredibly difficult this year. There have been lost loved ones, friendships that have ended, moments of incredible uncertainty, mourning the loss of what once was in my job, and a ton of time spent alone to agonize over all of the above.

Here is the thing, we ALL carry baggage. Even people who will tell you to “just let it go,” are carrying full suitcases of shit from their past. Ever had a situation cause you to struggle to trust others? Baggage. Ever carried old hurts into new relationships? Baggage. Ever let your childhood trauma cause troubles in your adult life? Baggage. I could go on, but you get the point. Is we’re going to carry baggage regardless, how do we do it in a healthy way?

Resolutions are definitely ridiculous and often don’t end favorably. That said, maybe what I need to do in 2021 and beyond, is learn to let go of certain things and carry the rest in a better way. Maybe the best thing to do is remember that while 2020 was insanely challenging, I have never had a year where I learned more.

Despite all the tears, loss, and struggles, there was beauty that came out of a tough year. I learned to let go of my fears and judgement and recognize that I have feelings, lots of them, and feeling them is better than constantly stuffing them. I learned that I am blessed by some really true friendships that have helped me through some big challenges. I also learned that there were some friendships that just weren’t meant to be that I will always miss, and maybe never completely understand the loss of. I have learned a lot about death, grief, and loss, including a solid working knowledge of how I process grief. I have learned that my thoughts about things control my feelings, and not the other way around, which means I am capable of changing my own narrative if I focus on thinking differently. I have basically learned to get real with myself, even when it’s the hardest thing to do.

Maybe I don’t have the whole “letting go” thing down yet, and maybe I never will. Maybe, just maybe, it is okay to hang onto some things when you clean out your closet. When you dig deep into your closet, you almost always find that awful crop top you wore in your early 20’s, and its easy to put that in the donation bag… however, you probably have some fun memories made wearing that thing that you can keep without hanging onto the actual shirt. Odds are, you also have some less than stellar memories in that crop top, which you can also hang onto… but find a new shirt too, make memories in it, learn lessons wearing it, eventually get rid of the actual shirt, keep more memories, but keep the ones you choose to keep. You can do the same with the stages of life. It is possible to accept that that phase (the crop top phase) is over, let go of what you choose to and keep what you choose to.

Here is to a happy and healthy 2021, full of new experiences, lessons, and hopefully a lot of love for ourselves and those around us.

Just Let Me Overthink About It…

If second guessing myself were an Olympic sport, I think I would have a collection of gold medals larger than the one Michael Phelps boasts. I am not remotely kidding. I used to joke that anything worth considering was worth overthinking in my world. This quality of mine has made so many things harder than they have to be and has caused me to have a ridiculous number of emotional meltdowns over the years.

You want to hear something funny? I have been fortunate to have a successful healthcare career that has progressed from working as a clinic receptionist into my current sales role. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I progressed in my career or got promoted, I was 100% sure I was going to fail and that I wasn’t smart or capable enough to do the job. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I was promoted or moved up in roles, I legitimately thought I wasn’t going to get the job. I will never forget the day I got the call offering me my current job. I had been waiting a few weeks to hear something official post interview. I had driven to meet my husband for lunch that day and had decided there was no way that I was going to get this job that I wanted so badly. I was sitting at lunch with him scowling at a bowl of tomato soup and being pissed off about something that wasn’t even confirmed. As we were finishing up our meal, my phone rang with a number from Denver… I went outside to take the call and at the end of it, I had a new job. Clearly my ESP is broken.

This translates over into my gym life too. It is not uncommon for a coach to look at me and remind me of what I can do. Not only do my coaches have to remind me, but my gym friends also push me through my constant second guessing myself. The reminders to try the Rx weight or to add weight are continuous. Thankfully I have a great support network that reminds me what I am capable of and that faces some of the same mindsets as I do at times.

The reason that this is even coming up is because it occurred to me yesterday, as I was second guessing myself through some work stuff that I have going on, that I really need to knock this crap off. At a minimum I need to take some steps to do it less. It comes from this insecure place that is very deep inside of me. I think that place might always be there, but I need to quiet it down. As per usual, my mind functions in lists, so here are some things I am going to try to do to stop the insecure second guessing.

1. I will never say I can’t do something without at least trying it at the gym. If a coach tells me I can do more, I will try it before I get all sassy and pout about it. 97% of the time they know my ability better than I do. The rare exception comes when I am super sore or something like my nutrition is amiss and they aren’t aware of it.

 
2. I will stop being so negative in my head. This applies to so many things in my life. Second guessing myself is essentially another form of negative self-talk. I pride myself on trying to not bash on myself about how I look or my body. This needs to be applicable to my ability to do things and how capable I am at my job.

 
3. I will start taking compliments better. Other people don’t endorse me or say nice things about me because they are just messing around and want to see me fail. Honestly, I literally will tell people they are wrong when they pay me a compliment. For example, one time a girl in a coffee drive through told me that I had amazing eyes… my response? “No, I don’t.” That is some ridiculousness right there. This is also applicable to the times when I have had a boss or colleague sing my praises. I often don’t think I am doing anything special and I need to get better at recognizing that it’s an insult to me and to the person singing my praises when I act like the compliments are crap.

 
4. When that doubtful voice starts getting loud, I will take some time to really think about what I am second guessing. Even if that means writing down the reasons why I should be confident in myself with whatever I am doing. Mostly because this will help me to refocus and not get caught up in a spiral of self-deprecation.

 
In a nutshell, it’s basically time to start embracing my inner badass and owning what she can accomplish as much as I own her failures. Baby steps…

The Elephant in the Room

So, in the room of my life, there is a very big elephant. It sits there a lot just waiting to be brought up… and when it does, I always get a little bit uncomfortable. No, I do not have children. No, I do not plan to have children. Yes, there are people who make this choice for one reason or another. There are also people who choose to have children. Neither is wrong, nor are the reasons behind those decisions. They are very personal choices and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they were not arrived upon lightly.

I got married 8 years ago, and at that time my hubby and I absolutely planned to have children. I wanted to have kids and I just figured we’d have the fairy tale life with a white picket fence, 2 dogs, a cat, and 2.3 children. You know, the quintessential American family. I think that my extended family really thought that would happen and hoped for it. Let me tell you what, life doesn’t always go as planned. Things don’t always work out the way you hope they will.

Unfortunately, 4 years ago or so, I was diagnosed with Fabry’s disease. I talked a little about that in a post a while ago, but essentially, I have a genetic disease that I got from my mother’s side of the family. It is linked to the X chromosome, and if I were to have children, it would be a 50/50 chance with each child that I would pass on the disease. If I am totally honest, this disease is total garbage. It’s no one’s fault and I have accepted it, but my family has gone through some serious hell because of Fabry’s. In some people, it is a docile disease. In the case of my family, it has resulted in heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failure for some of my relatives at a young age. Not fun stuff. The idea of passing this disease on to someone else knowingly is really hard to wrap my head around and not really something I wanted to do.

Coincidentally, I also started my current job just a few months ahead of my diagnosis. My job is amazing and I absolutely love it. I love the travel and the chaos of it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have learned so much about myself since I started down this path. I also feel like I have really come into my own and accepted who I am as a person, which has resulted in my confidence being in a great place. Is it stressful? Yes. Are there challenges? Yes. Ultimately, it is worth it, completely. That said, while I don’t think it would be impossible to do this job with children, it would be hard for me, as an individual. I see lots of mothers do what I do every day, and I am enamored with them. I wish I could tell every single one of them how amazing I think they are without it coming off as a bit creepy. So, full time working moms, I think you are incredible. Keep doing what you do because it is amazing.

So, then there was a decision to not have kids. As far as I know, we can have kids without any issues. We just never got the chance to try. When both of those very monumental things landed in my lap, we decided to put off trying until we could digest all that was going on in our life as a married couple. A few months later, we had a very difficult conversation after a conversation with my genetic doctor. I will never, ever forget that conversation. We were driving home from Helena after one of my doctor’s appointments and a nice dinner, when I asked my husband if he’d be okay not having kids. I knew damn well that he would be sad about it. I recall even telling him that I wouldn’t begrudge him if he chose not to stay with me. That car ride was both amazing and difficult. He told me that while it made him sad, we would adjust and take care of each other, because that’s what you do when you love someone. Life throws us curveballs sometimes, but we must keep moving forward.

All of that said, I think I would be a great mother, but I am not a very maternal type really. Most people who know me well, know that is true. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we made this decision, because as difficult as it was, I feel so lucky to have the life I do. Because of not having children, we have committed to doing all the fun things and traveling because we have the time and the luxury of doing so on a whim. I love being the “childless friend” that can be called at 11PM on a random Tuesday to go for a drink because one of my friends needs to talk. I can run out of the house in 5 minutes when things like that come up, and I love being able to be that person. I am also fortunate to have several friends and family members who have kids that I get to be an “aunty” to. This means I get to almost always be a fun adult to some of these kids. I also get to volunteer to give my mom friends and family members a break and take their kids occasionally so they can do whatever they want for a few hours or have a much-needed date night. How lucky am I, really?

There is a downside to all of this, and it gets a little dark. I feel a lot of societal pressure because I am not a mom. I know that this is within me, and very rarely do people make me feel like I am less of a person because I don’t have children. I can’t help but feel it though, so sometimes I feel the need to throw myself into work and volunteering because I want people to know that I am fulfilling some strange obligation. When the subject of having kids comes up, I kind of freeze up and get uncomfortable. I dread the moment when someone asks, “when are you guys going to have kids?” or “why don’t you have kids?” I HATE those questions because, without going into a ridiculous amount of detail, I can’t really explain it. I generally just say we aren’t going to have them and then pray that no one questions further. It’s a challenge, but mostly a burden I put on myself.

This might be the first time I have fully addressed my “elephant in the room” publicly. It doesn’t bother me to tell all of you, because my goal in all this writing was brutal honesty. So here it is, my truth about a semi-uncomfortable topic. Please know that I am not remotely sad about this choice. I know we made the right choice as a couple on this one, and it was well thought out. We are so lucky to have a fulfilling life and so many amazing relationships and friendships to fill our time with.

On that note, I’ll sign off for now. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read. Keep on keeping on!

The Soundtrack of my Life (for now)

Anyone who knows me, knows that I absolutely love music. I spend a ton of time in the car for my job so I listen to music, podcasts, and audiobooks all the time. The most important thing I pay for every year is probably a subscription to Sirius XM.  Its borderline comical, because so many of my friends know about my love and knowledge of music that I get calls often asking, “who sings this song?” or “you know that song that goes like…”

In the essence of writing something fun and upbeat for you all this week, I decided that this edition of 5 things is going to be 5 songs…

Without further ado, here are 5 songs I can’t stop listening to right now

1.What Ifs-Kane Brown ft. Lauren Alaina

This song makes me feel all the feels and is one of the few country songs that has come out recently that has me singing my heart out in the car. This is my guilty pleasure song because it’s borderline cheesy, but I can’t stop enjoying it. Country is probably not my first pick for a music genre, but there are a few artists and songs that I enjoy, and this is one of them. Yes please judge me. 🙂

2.Every Day’s the Weekend-Alex Lahey

First, if you haven’t heard of Alex Lahey, you need to. This girl has a great voice and her music conveys so many of the things we all go through and in an appealing way. I first heard this song on AltNation on Sirius XM and I couldn’t help but do some major car dancing. It’s super peppy, but the truth is that the subject of the lyrics isn’t so peppy. Listen to the music first, then go back and listen to the lyrics. You’ll still want to dance a little, but you’ll also get that “ahh, this is about some tough love stuff” feeling. I downloaded this entire album and listened to it on one of my many drives this week and the whole damn thing is good, you guys. She’s Australian too, and that also makes me happy for some unknown reason. Give it a listen if you want to car dance and enjoy a peppy tune that is about a not so peppy subject.

3.Best Friend-Sofi Tukker ft. NERVO, The Knocks, and Alisa Ueno

This song just makes me happy… The lyrics, the music, all of it. I just want to dance and dance when I hear it. That’s a theme you’ll hear a lot in my musical selections. I love to dance, and I will break out into dance pretty much anywhere. Ask my husband, who has seen me bust into dance in the grocery store while singing into a corn cob. That totally actually happened, by the way.Anyway, this is just a happy, upbeat, dance alternative track that is new. Give it a listen and I bet you catch yourself at least tapping your foot.

4.Sit Next to Me- Foster the People

Just a nice, mid-tempo groove. I put this one on my workout playlist for a cool down track because it isn’t super slow, but it isn’t fast either.  Foster the People is a band I’ve always liked.  To me, every song they’ve released has had a different sound and feel.  The first album they released was played on repeat in my car for an entire summer several years ago.  This newest album isn’t quite the same for me, in that I can’t listen to the whole thing without skipping songs.  However, this song and Doing it for the Money are both great songs that came off the album and both are worthy of a listen if you haven’t heard them already.

5.What Lovers Do-Maroon 5 ft. SZA

I can hear this song in my head right now and I almost can’t help but move my head a little. This song is on my workout playlist, but as a good hype song. It’s one of those songs that just gets me going. I love this kind of songs for exercise and for hype songs. In my job, I often listen to a hype song in the car before I go in to make a sales call because it puts a happy, confident bit of pep in my step and sometimes we just need that. I have mostly been listening to alternative music lately, but this is one of a few super poppy songs that I can’t help but love to hear.

Obviously, we all have different taste in our musical selections… I would love to hear from some of you what you’re listening to so I can add to my playlists. I really do enjoy pretty much any and every type of music, and I promise not to judge you too hard, even if you’re still listening to the Jonas Brothers.

5 Things You Should Know…

As an initial post, I decided it might be worthwhile to fill people in on some of the important things about me and my life. Many of you are friends, and I’d guess you know at least some of these things, but maybe not all of them.  I am generally a very open book so most of the people that know me really know me.  Part of my goal in publishing a blog is brutal honesty, because it’s not really an outlet if it’s not truthful… So here goes nothing.

1. I didn’t grow up in the easiest situation. I appreciate that there is almost no “traditional” family anymore, so this nothing that I expect people to feel sorry for me about. There were several things that were a part of my upbringing that have shaped who I am and that is why I even bring this up. My parents got divorced when I was in 6th grade and their marriage wasn’t pretty for several years prior to that. For a long time, I thought that marriage was an awful institution because of the things I had seen and heard up to that point.

There were also issues with addiction in my family and because of that, I feel like I’m constantly doing things to keep myself in check. If there is one thing that can destroy relationships and cause a lot of hurt, its addiction. Thankfully, some of those problems have been resolved, but it certainly has not been easy.

I also had certain family members that caused major family rifts over the years. At some point I will write more about what it’s like to love a narcissist, but for now let’s just say it’s a challenge at best and I’ve eliminated or severely restricted family relationships because of it.

 2.  I am independent, often to a fault. I am sure that it makes my husband crazy. I am someone who absolutely loves being married but also needs probably more personal space than the average. Thankfully, my job helps with my need for alone time. I travel… A LOT… in my job. I often spend 2-3 nights a week on the road and that ensures that I get my fill of time to myself.

I am almost certain that my relationship with my husband is better because of my time away. That whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” bit. In our situation, quality is certainly priority over quantity regarding our time together. We make it a priority to do lots of fun things together and really enjoy each other’s company. The best part? There isn’t a ton to fight about when you aren’t home much…

3. I have a rare disease. I don’t talk about it a lot because I worry it will impact how people treat me. It is called Fabry’s disease and it is a genetic thing that has been passed down in my family for years, unbeknownst to all of us. I was diagnosed in October of 2013 and I have been dealing with it since.

You can google the name, but I will give you an extraordinarily high level overview. Basically, all humans have enzymes in their body that break down waste materials so that they can be disposed of by the body. Enzymes come from different strands of our DNA. I essentially have a broken DNA strand and therefore do not produce enough of one enzyme. This means that I have metabolic waste that can possibly accumulate in my major organs like my heart, kidneys, brain, liver, etc. This can cause damage to the organs.

At this time, I have deferred treatment, but I work with my doctor to ensure that nothing major is happening in my body that warrants jumping into a treatment called enzyme replacement therapy. At some point I will probably have to seek out treatment, but for the time being, I really try to just live a healthy life.

In all of this, the most important thing for you to know is that the person typing this is 1 in possibly 100,000. I am pretty damn special… just ask me, I will tell you!

4. I really work hard to take care of myself. I love working out, and mostly eat healthy. I like to lift weights… HEAVY weights. I absolutely dread the idea of running, but I do it, sometimes… mostly in short bursts when someone or something is chasing me.

I used to be very unhealthy and I have made it a priority to take care of myself. That said, I still binge eat chocolate on occasion and drink entirely too much wine. I also love ice cream and cheesecake WAYYYYY more than I should. AND… *gasp*… I cannot stand kale. That crap has absolutely no place in life, except in the trash. I guess you could say I really do try to be healthy but I am also realistic.

Will I occasionally write about fitness and diet? Sure! Do I recognize that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea? Of course! There is also a solid chance that you will occasionally see a post about my overindulgence in some crazy dessert or that time I went on a totally sushi binge (and not the healthy stuff either).

5. I am very lucky to be surrounded by incredible friends and family. I absolutely cannot wait to share them with all of you. My people are my world and I would do anything for them. I am not someone who can say they have one best friend. I have too many to count and they all mean so much to me for different reasons. To call one person a “best friend” seems impossible because of that.

My family will always be number 1 for me. I am so blessed to have the family I do. We have our issues, but they are fun and loving and always have my best intentions at heart. My family likes to play practical jokes and tease each other. Sarcasm is our second language. We show love by making fun of each other, but we also fiercely support one another and I always feel like they have my back.

I am married to the most amazing man. Mostly because he puts up with me, and, let’s be real, he deserves an award for that. He supports my career and all my choices, even when they cause major changes to our lives. For that I am eternally grateful. He’s the most incredible human and I feel so lucky to be married to him.

 I am sure that I will elaborate on certain things about myself that you see here over time, but this is my icebreaker. I would not say that to know me is to love me, but give me a chance and you might just find a place in your heart for me. I am so excited to be embarking on a much-needed adventure in self-expression.