Tag: family

The Elephant in the Room

So, in the room of my life, there is a very big elephant. It sits there a lot just waiting to be brought up… and when it does, I always get a little bit uncomfortable. No, I do not have children. No, I do not plan to have children. Yes, there are people who make this choice for one reason or another. There are also people who choose to have children. Neither is wrong, nor are the reasons behind those decisions. They are very personal choices and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they were not arrived upon lightly.

I got married 8 years ago, and at that time my hubby and I absolutely planned to have children. I wanted to have kids and I just figured we’d have the fairy tale life with a white picket fence, 2 dogs, a cat, and 2.3 children. You know, the quintessential American family. I think that my extended family really thought that would happen and hoped for it. Let me tell you what, life doesn’t always go as planned. Things don’t always work out the way you hope they will.

Unfortunately, 4 years ago or so, I was diagnosed with Fabry’s disease. I talked a little about that in a post a while ago, but essentially, I have a genetic disease that I got from my mother’s side of the family. It is linked to the X chromosome, and if I were to have children, it would be a 50/50 chance with each child that I would pass on the disease. If I am totally honest, this disease is total garbage. It’s no one’s fault and I have accepted it, but my family has gone through some serious hell because of Fabry’s. In some people, it is a docile disease. In the case of my family, it has resulted in heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failure for some of my relatives at a young age. Not fun stuff. The idea of passing this disease on to someone else knowingly is really hard to wrap my head around and not really something I wanted to do.

Coincidentally, I also started my current job just a few months ahead of my diagnosis. My job is amazing and I absolutely love it. I love the travel and the chaos of it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have learned so much about myself since I started down this path. I also feel like I have really come into my own and accepted who I am as a person, which has resulted in my confidence being in a great place. Is it stressful? Yes. Are there challenges? Yes. Ultimately, it is worth it, completely. That said, while I don’t think it would be impossible to do this job with children, it would be hard for me, as an individual. I see lots of mothers do what I do every day, and I am enamored with them. I wish I could tell every single one of them how amazing I think they are without it coming off as a bit creepy. So, full time working moms, I think you are incredible. Keep doing what you do because it is amazing.

So, then there was a decision to not have kids. As far as I know, we can have kids without any issues. We just never got the chance to try. When both of those very monumental things landed in my lap, we decided to put off trying until we could digest all that was going on in our life as a married couple. A few months later, we had a very difficult conversation after a conversation with my genetic doctor. I will never, ever forget that conversation. We were driving home from Helena after one of my doctor’s appointments and a nice dinner, when I asked my husband if he’d be okay not having kids. I knew damn well that he would be sad about it. I recall even telling him that I wouldn’t begrudge him if he chose not to stay with me. That car ride was both amazing and difficult. He told me that while it made him sad, we would adjust and take care of each other, because that’s what you do when you love someone. Life throws us curveballs sometimes, but we must keep moving forward.

All of that said, I think I would be a great mother, but I am not a very maternal type really. Most people who know me well, know that is true. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we made this decision, because as difficult as it was, I feel so lucky to have the life I do. Because of not having children, we have committed to doing all the fun things and traveling because we have the time and the luxury of doing so on a whim. I love being the “childless friend” that can be called at 11PM on a random Tuesday to go for a drink because one of my friends needs to talk. I can run out of the house in 5 minutes when things like that come up, and I love being able to be that person. I am also fortunate to have several friends and family members who have kids that I get to be an “aunty” to. This means I get to almost always be a fun adult to some of these kids. I also get to volunteer to give my mom friends and family members a break and take their kids occasionally so they can do whatever they want for a few hours or have a much-needed date night. How lucky am I, really?

There is a downside to all of this, and it gets a little dark. I feel a lot of societal pressure because I am not a mom. I know that this is within me, and very rarely do people make me feel like I am less of a person because I don’t have children. I can’t help but feel it though, so sometimes I feel the need to throw myself into work and volunteering because I want people to know that I am fulfilling some strange obligation. When the subject of having kids comes up, I kind of freeze up and get uncomfortable. I dread the moment when someone asks, “when are you guys going to have kids?” or “why don’t you have kids?” I HATE those questions because, without going into a ridiculous amount of detail, I can’t really explain it. I generally just say we aren’t going to have them and then pray that no one questions further. It’s a challenge, but mostly a burden I put on myself.

This might be the first time I have fully addressed my “elephant in the room” publicly. It doesn’t bother me to tell all of you, because my goal in all this writing was brutal honesty. So here it is, my truth about a semi-uncomfortable topic. Please know that I am not remotely sad about this choice. I know we made the right choice as a couple on this one, and it was well thought out. We are so lucky to have a fulfilling life and so many amazing relationships and friendships to fill our time with.

On that note, I’ll sign off for now. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read. Keep on keeping on!

5 Things You Should Know…

As an initial post, I decided it might be worthwhile to fill people in on some of the important things about me and my life. Many of you are friends, and I’d guess you know at least some of these things, but maybe not all of them.  I am generally a very open book so most of the people that know me really know me.  Part of my goal in publishing a blog is brutal honesty, because it’s not really an outlet if it’s not truthful… So here goes nothing.

1. I didn’t grow up in the easiest situation. I appreciate that there is almost no “traditional” family anymore, so this nothing that I expect people to feel sorry for me about. There were several things that were a part of my upbringing that have shaped who I am and that is why I even bring this up. My parents got divorced when I was in 6th grade and their marriage wasn’t pretty for several years prior to that. For a long time, I thought that marriage was an awful institution because of the things I had seen and heard up to that point.

There were also issues with addiction in my family and because of that, I feel like I’m constantly doing things to keep myself in check. If there is one thing that can destroy relationships and cause a lot of hurt, its addiction. Thankfully, some of those problems have been resolved, but it certainly has not been easy.

I also had certain family members that caused major family rifts over the years. At some point I will write more about what it’s like to love a narcissist, but for now let’s just say it’s a challenge at best and I’ve eliminated or severely restricted family relationships because of it.

 2.  I am independent, often to a fault. I am sure that it makes my husband crazy. I am someone who absolutely loves being married but also needs probably more personal space than the average. Thankfully, my job helps with my need for alone time. I travel… A LOT… in my job. I often spend 2-3 nights a week on the road and that ensures that I get my fill of time to myself.

I am almost certain that my relationship with my husband is better because of my time away. That whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” bit. In our situation, quality is certainly priority over quantity regarding our time together. We make it a priority to do lots of fun things together and really enjoy each other’s company. The best part? There isn’t a ton to fight about when you aren’t home much…

3. I have a rare disease. I don’t talk about it a lot because I worry it will impact how people treat me. It is called Fabry’s disease and it is a genetic thing that has been passed down in my family for years, unbeknownst to all of us. I was diagnosed in October of 2013 and I have been dealing with it since.

You can google the name, but I will give you an extraordinarily high level overview. Basically, all humans have enzymes in their body that break down waste materials so that they can be disposed of by the body. Enzymes come from different strands of our DNA. I essentially have a broken DNA strand and therefore do not produce enough of one enzyme. This means that I have metabolic waste that can possibly accumulate in my major organs like my heart, kidneys, brain, liver, etc. This can cause damage to the organs.

At this time, I have deferred treatment, but I work with my doctor to ensure that nothing major is happening in my body that warrants jumping into a treatment called enzyme replacement therapy. At some point I will probably have to seek out treatment, but for the time being, I really try to just live a healthy life.

In all of this, the most important thing for you to know is that the person typing this is 1 in possibly 100,000. I am pretty damn special… just ask me, I will tell you!

4. I really work hard to take care of myself. I love working out, and mostly eat healthy. I like to lift weights… HEAVY weights. I absolutely dread the idea of running, but I do it, sometimes… mostly in short bursts when someone or something is chasing me.

I used to be very unhealthy and I have made it a priority to take care of myself. That said, I still binge eat chocolate on occasion and drink entirely too much wine. I also love ice cream and cheesecake WAYYYYY more than I should. AND… *gasp*… I cannot stand kale. That crap has absolutely no place in life, except in the trash. I guess you could say I really do try to be healthy but I am also realistic.

Will I occasionally write about fitness and diet? Sure! Do I recognize that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea? Of course! There is also a solid chance that you will occasionally see a post about my overindulgence in some crazy dessert or that time I went on a totally sushi binge (and not the healthy stuff either).

5. I am very lucky to be surrounded by incredible friends and family. I absolutely cannot wait to share them with all of you. My people are my world and I would do anything for them. I am not someone who can say they have one best friend. I have too many to count and they all mean so much to me for different reasons. To call one person a “best friend” seems impossible because of that.

My family will always be number 1 for me. I am so blessed to have the family I do. We have our issues, but they are fun and loving and always have my best intentions at heart. My family likes to play practical jokes and tease each other. Sarcasm is our second language. We show love by making fun of each other, but we also fiercely support one another and I always feel like they have my back.

I am married to the most amazing man. Mostly because he puts up with me, and, let’s be real, he deserves an award for that. He supports my career and all my choices, even when they cause major changes to our lives. For that I am eternally grateful. He’s the most incredible human and I feel so lucky to be married to him.

 I am sure that I will elaborate on certain things about myself that you see here over time, but this is my icebreaker. I would not say that to know me is to love me, but give me a chance and you might just find a place in your heart for me. I am so excited to be embarking on a much-needed adventure in self-expression.