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Grateful…

This morning I am sitting here in a particularly quiet house drinking coffee and thinking about how fortunate I am. Thanksgiving is one of my very favorite holidays because it is truly about spending time with family and enjoying a meal of foods that we don’t eat often. There are no gifts, no big productions (at least not with my family) and we get to just sit around a table and visit. I get the opportunity to get some cuddles from my nephews, and I can just relax and decompress for a whole day.

 

I was trying to think of what to write about this week and it occurred to me this morning that I have so much to be grateful for in this life. Instead of being too deep or introspective, this post is truly about all the things I am thankful for in this life.

 

First things first, I have an incredible husband who loves and supports everything I do… even when it is crazy. He is an amazing human being and I get to call him mine. We have gone through some tough times, and, let’s face it, who hasn’t? That said, we manage our tough times. We survive them, and we try to come out the other side having learned something and being better. I am so lucky for all that he brings to my life and I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

 

My family is my rock, and I am forever grateful for a support system and many friendships I was born into and married into. We are all very different people, yet we take care of each other. I often find myself looking around and feeling my heart swell at family functions. As this generation of my family is fighting through the growing pains of becoming adults with spouses, kids, mortgages, etc. I am so thankful to be the oldest cousin on both sides and to be able to occasionally give some advice because it means I get to hear from all of them regularly.

 

I have a tribe. They are hands down some of the best people I have ever encountered. I don’t know how I have stumbled into having the friends I do but I thank my lucky stars every day for them. I have the kind of friends that are family. We are there for each other, we cry together, we laugh together, and we celebrate each other every single day.

 

In 2018, I was also lucky enough to stumble into a gym family that amazes me with their support every day. I cannot believe the changes I have made this year and it is due in part to the people around me who have helped keep me accountable, cheered me on, and listened on my bad days. I can honestly say that I feel like I am at home at RPP. That’s how comfortable I am there, and I don’t think everyone has that luxury at the gym.

 

The truth is, these are just a few things that I count as blessings in my life. I could probably go on for days, but as I was thinking this morning I realized that it truly is the people in my life that are the difference makers. I hope each of you reading takes the time to express gratitude to your loved ones as we enter this holiday season. Be grateful, be kind, enjoy times with your people, and have fun.

Examining what I tolerate… of myself.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, it seems. For some reason, as the year ends, I find myself thinking about a lot of things and reading more and just generally trying to figure out if I am where I want to be in life. 2018 has been an evolution of sorts for me. I started the year out in sort of a rut where my confidence was shaky, and I was trying to figure out what makes Kristin happy. Kind of a “something is missing” situation. I spent most of this year working to figure out the missing pieces and figuring out how to situate my life so that I could fill those holes. I am proud to say that 2018 is ending a lot differently than it started for me. My reflecting right now has more to do with what needs to be eliminated from my life. What are the barriers to feeling happy right now? Are there things that I do or that I allow that maybe set me back in life. So, I started listing things off in my head initially and then in a list and today I discovered that I need to share some things both for accountability and for personal clarity. Being honest with yourself isn’t easy it seems. I suppose the best approach to this blog is a list, and as you all know by now that is often my style. Here are some things I am done with going forward.

1. Comparing myself to anyone other than myself. I constantly find myself looking at what others are doing in all facets of life and scrutinizing if I am good enough. My life progress isn’t wrapped up in what others are doing but rather in my own improvement. Am I perfect? No. Will I ever be? No. Am I doing better than I was a year ago? Definitely.

 
2. Giving more to people than they will ever give to me. I seem to have an affinity towards people who sort of suck the life out of me. My nature is to be a giver, so I gravitate towards doing things for others ahead of myself often. This has nothing to do with anything money wise, but rather with giving my heart and emotions to people. Giving yourself to others is not a bad thing, at all. However, the last year of my life has taught me that I need to stop giving so much of myself to people who will never return those favors.

 
3. Seeking the approval of others. This is one I have put so much thought into as of lately. Generally, I am a very confident person and I don’t seek out much validation from others. That said, I still catch myself seeking approval from people at times. I really hope to be more unapologetically me in the coming months.

 
4. Being overly emotional about people and things that I cannot control. I really do try to only allow myself to stress on the things that I am able to control. That said, I tend to let myself go into a tailspin at times over the things other people say and do. I cannot control what is happening or what other people say to me, but I can control my reaction (or over reaction) to it. Again, this goes back to giving too much of my emotions to things.

 
5. Explaining to people that I barely know why I don’t have kids. Yeah, this one is a lot more specific than some of the others. Here’s the thing… my uterus is sort of my deal, friends. If you know me and care about me and want to ask questions, I am more than willing to have a conversation with you about this. I know I have written about some of my reasons for not having children in the past and I am totally willing to be forthcoming about it. That said, I am so over answering the question “why don’t you have kids?” in its variety of forms to people who don’t know me. The truth is that people have their reasons why they do certain things. Having children is a very personal choice and whether the answer is “because we don’t want them” or “because we are unable to have them,” it’s not any stranger’s business to question the choice. I don’t walk around asking people why they chose to have children, because that seems rude… so I also tend to think its rude to question the choice not to have them.

 
6. Sacrificing my health for anything. Some of you probably know that in December of last year and then again in April of this year, I battled some intense and strange viruses. I don’t know if they were the same thing or totally different, but both times I ended up missing a week of work and in the second illness, I got to spend three nights in the hospital in Billings. I can honestly say that I can’t remember being sicker in my life. The worst part of it all? I legitimately worked up until the day I ended up in the hospital. I drove all over Montana and Wyoming with a 102-103 fever. Not only was it the sickest I can remember being, but in hindsight, it was also the dumbest I can remember being. What kind of idiot decides that work is so important that they would perpetuate an illness to the point of landing in a hospital bed? Yeah, that’s me. Never again.

 
7. Continuing friendships with toxic people. Plain and simple, bring something positive to my life or go away. I am a damn good friend to people and all I ask is that the people I surround myself with bring something good to the table.

 
8. Not fully committing myself to myself. Yeah, you read that right. I will love myself first and most going forward. I have found that my relationships with others seem to improve when I take care of me. I will stop making excuses and just commit myself to improving.

 
So, there is my accountability to myself. I hope that if nothing else, thinking about what I wrote makes people examine what they tolerate. We all deserve to be happy. Figure out what you need to do and go in that direction. If you aren’t your best, you’re no good to anyone else either.

I Was Always Doing This For Me…

Body image as a female is a super fun thing. I can promise you that even the most in shape women you see are picking themselves apart. Something is too big, too thin, looks funny, etc. We all do it and we all have days where we are overcome with not feeling good about how we look. Bad hair days and fat days are very much real things in the world of being a female, and its rough.

I feel so fortunate when I look back on the last several months of my life. I am learning to appreciate my body and what it can do. I can look in the mirror and see at least some things that I love about myself. I don’t see perfection, and I probably never will, but I don’t hate how I look. Most of you know that I love to lift weights and do crossfit. I am so grateful for these things and what they bring to my life for several reasons.

First, I am currently surrounded by an incredible fitness minded community. I have a whole tribe of people with similar goals to mine who listen to me when I’m upset that I feel bloated and gross, but who also cheer me on when I PR a big lift. They tell me when to pull my head out of my ass and stop beating myself up and force me to appreciate what my body can do. They sit by my side when I literally cry through a workout because I just came back from the worst illness of my adult life and I am slow and weak and struggling. They remind me that even though I still hate burpees, I might have gotten a little faster at them. They push me to level up. How lucky am I to have such an incredible group of people in my life?

My confidence is in a place lately that I never knew was possible. I feel strong and capable, both mentally and physically. There are a whole lot less “I can’ts” and a lot more thinking about how I can do things. This has bled into a better mentality at work and home. It has also helped me to stand up for myself in situations where I might not have in the past. My whole attitude is better and I feel happy. I feel like I finally found the thing that filled an empty spot in my life.

My body image has changed so much. I rarely weigh myself, but I know that my body composition has changed to less body fat and more muscle. I don’t even care about weighing myself… I can’t remember the last time I had a healthy mentality about the scale. Maybe never until now. Not stressing on the scale and just trying to gain strength has been like freedom for me. I am too busy worrying about how to make my body stronger to worry about if I gained a pound this month. I have managed to lose inches off my body without really losing weight and that is a much bigger victory for me, personally.

I know that people have their opinions on crossfit and women who lift. I have heard comments about “not getting too muscular” or “looking masculine” on multiple occasions. That’s cool, everyone has the right to their own thoughts. The cool thing is that my very feminine body can put up some serious numbers lifting. I don’t feel like I look masculine. I look like a strong and capable woman. I look like someone who is maximizing what their body can do. I feel very comfortable in my skin. The opinions of others don’t change how I feel about myself. I was never doing this for anyone else, anyway… I was always doing it for me. Always.

What’s the First Rule of CrossFit?

It IS, in fact, like reverse Fight Club. The first rule of CrossFit is that you never STFU about it…

Yeah, so, I never bought into the hype for the longest time. I have had friends for months trying to coerce me into trying CrossFit. They know who they are and they are currently gloating, undoubtedly. Thank God for good friends and the influence they have on us.

So, here is the thing… for the last several months I have been in a rut and I’ve written about it. I have been climbing a hill in my career and in life… and fighting the proverbial uphill battle. I’d be lying if I told you it has not sucked ass. I have been tired, anxious, and somewhat depressed. Life isn’t easy and just when we are doing well, some shit always happens to remind us of our place. Getting kicked while you are down is awful, but you still have to get back up and figure it out.

I have been grasping at straws and trying to get back to being the fun girl that so many people know and love. Fitness has always made me happy… like always. I am not a cardio girl… I like to lift. I like to lift heavy. I like to be competitive. However, even that has been a struggle lately. After much debate and much pushing from friends in the CrossFit community, I decided to meet with the owner of a local gym. First, I was immediately more at ease upon talking with him about what I needed. It felt like this was worth a shot. Second and lucky for me, one of my amazing and strong female friends opted to join me on the beginner course.

So, a couple things… and you can hate on me, because I just don’t care. Why do people not shut up about CrossFit when they start? Because it is hands down amazing. The people and the community are so damn cool. Never have I ever worked out in a gym where I literally feel like people genuinely want me to succeed. Not only that, but the workouts are crazy hard and so worth it. For the first time in a long time, I walk out of the gym feeling relieved of stress and just loaded with endorphins. I feel happy lately, like actually happy. I am thriving in my job right now because my confidence is soaring and my head is clear of stupid, unnecessary stress. I am seeing pieces of the old me return. I feel stronger already. I feel beautiful again. I haven’t felt like I radiated confidence in a long time, and I think that’s happening again. I sleep better. I LOOK FORWARD to early morning workouts. Who the hell am I??

I know this isn’t something for everyone and I am not promoting it by any means, but for me it is amazing to be in my happy place again. I am going into my weekend feeling incredible and happy. Up until lately, I haven’t been able to say things like that in awhile. I finally feel like I’ve found something that lights me up, and I can’t wait to see myself improve.

10 Letters… Just 10.

Confidence… 10 letters that mean an awful lot. When those 10 letters get shaken, it is like the world is ending.

Let me tell you about confidence. I have a fair amount. I generally don’t find myself having an “I can’t” attitude. Lately, I’ve let the can’t, won’t, don’t, and shouldn’t hit me hard. I don’t exactly know what caused this or when it started, but it has been an unbelievably brutal few weeks. I’m tired, actually exhausted. For the first time in years, I am literally trying to claw my way out of a hole that seems so deep.

I have spent the majority of the last few weeks of my life being my own
worst nightmare. I cry way more than I should. I’m sad and anxious. I take things way more personally than I usually do. It’s not fun for me or anyone that deals with me consistently. My husband loves me but I guarantee he is struggling with me right now. My friends probably are too. On top of crying, I ACTUALLY WANT people to hug me. For those of you that know me, you’re probably laughing at this because you know how far this is from who I am. I am essentially my own worst nightmare. I am this person that needs other people to love me because I am not really loving myself.

If I’m honest, this is a phase in life that sucks. I have no other way to put it, it just sucks. I have basically hit my mid-30’s. I feel like I am in this really strange place. I want to do better for myself and advance in my life and career, but that’s not always easy. Things are so competitive at this point in life. I am not the only person in their 30’s trying to improve and competition is imminent.

I am also going through this phase where there are 2 versions of me. I am definitely a professional Monday through Friday, but part of me still wants to be young all the other times. It is a bit like I am confused. Is it possible to be both of the people I want to be? Can I rock Chuck’s and ripped jeans on the weekend and also be the girl who looks incredibly professional and put together during the week? Is that acceptable? Yeah, these are actual battles I find myself fighting on the daily.

Friends are this whole other thing. I have a ton of friends. At this point in life, some of my friends are mothers of 3 with careers and husbands. Some of my friends are 25 and single with no kids. I love them all because they bring out the best in me, but it is tough to maintain friendships when everyone I know (myself included) seems to be going through similar issues to me. I am grateful for the friends I have but I am trying to maneuver through so many changing dynamics in my own life that sometimes I find myself inadvertently disconnecting from people. If you are one of the people that has felt this, I am going to apologize to you now. How do you maintain friendships when you are not feeling whole yourself?

Marriage… yeah, that too. I thank God every single day that I have a husband who is understanding and caring and willing to deal with all of what I am going through right now. Just like the situation with friends, I sometimes find myself so caught up in what I am feeling that I disconnect from him too. I am so grateful that he listens to me and knows where I am at mentally and also knows when I need space to deal with myself.

I know this phase in my life will pass. It’s likely that a month from now, I will feel totally different, but right now I am just feeling a little lost. Please, please, please tell me I am not the only one fighting some of these battles.  I can’t possibly be the only 30-something out there that is struggling with reality…

So This is Christmas?!

Ahhh, yes, Christmas… that time of year that we are supposed to embrace the time with family, the kerfuffle of retail madness, the snow, and the people who seem entirely too happy to be real. Some people really seem to flourish during the holiday season, and I envy them in the craziest of ways. You see, I am one of those people that really tries and wants to be good at the holidays. I want to walk around shouting “Merry Christmas!” from the rooftops and singing Christmas carols, but, alas, that just isn’t who I am. I’ve officially realized that there are two types of people during the holidays, the person I’ve described being envious of and the person that I am.
The holidays make me cringe in a way I can’t explain. I just don’t get that joyous, wonderful feeling that some people get. I am a grinch. It’s official, and I know it. I don’t like Christmas music, and I really dislike the commercial nature of this time of year. However, there are things that I love about this time of year. I love to unwind, relax, and spend precious time with friends and family. I love to look around and reflect on my life. I love to take a deep breath and realize how lucky I am to have incredible friends and family around me. I thoroughly enjoy curling up in a blanket and drinking coffee or red wine and thinking about my life with a deep sense of gratitude.
As I think about my life and what I want for myself in 2018, I’ve realized there are several things I want to give to myself in the new year. I am not one for resolutions, because you know how that goes… you have a plan, and by March you’ve soon forgotten about what you thought was so important in January. These are really things that I’ve been working on continuously and just hope to really focus on going forward.
I want to laugh more. My friends know I am a silly person and I tend to make light of situations that aren’t always easy. However, I take life too seriously sometimes and I get wound up about things that I should not let bother me. Life is crazy, and it’s not always easy, but we need to laugh more instead of taking ourselves so damn seriously. At the end of the day, I know I can’t control everything, or really anything… so it’s time for me to find humor in it. I have a great smile and the world needs to see it more.
I want to be more open to letting people care about me. That sounds ridiculous, but I am that person that doesn’t want to let others care about me. I want to care about them, but as soon as anyone expresses concern for me or my well-being, a fortress as tall as the Eiffel Tower goes up around me. Instead of taking the concern of others as love, I tend to think that they are trying to tell me what to do. After some intense thought and conversation, I have made it a goal to thank people for caring about me and mean it. I have some absolutely incredible people in my life and I am so lucky that they care about me… so it’s probably time to be grateful instead of being an asshole. 😉
I am going to take better care of myself mentally and physically in 2018. This isn’t some “new year, new me” bullshit… at all. I can’t stand that crap. Do I want to get my ass in better shape? You bet! That’s definitely a part of all of this. I want to be a stronger version of myself, and I am going to be. I am going to get to the gym more, but I am also going to surround myself with good people, smile more, have more fun adventures, and stress less. I think that mental and physical health go hand in hand. I have every intention of nurturing both going forward.

I will be a better friend going forward. I feel so blessed to have the people I do in my life… I have so many great friends. I honestly look around and wonder how I got so damn lucky. Most people have 1-2 close friends… I can’t even count the number of people I call close friends on two hands. That’s a lot of people who legitimately care about me and want the best for me. I need to nurture these relationships better and really make sure these people know how much I love and appreciate what they bring to my life. I will be there for them at a whole new level. I will take care of the people who are loyal to me above all other aspects of my life.

Last, but certainly not least, I will love myself more. I will be happy with who I am and who I am becoming. I will stop wondering if I am good enough. I AM good enough… and that is all.
How’s that for some internal reflection from the last few days… yeah, I’ve been thinking… I know you’re all wondering what that’s about…
In the meantime, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours. I hope you all have time to reflect as well. Enjoy these precious moments with the people you love, because you’ll never get them back. Laugh with your friends and family like you really mean it. Surround yourself with as much love as possible. Tell your older relatives that you love them, because there’s a chance this is the last holiday season you will get with them. Take a much-needed deep breath and smile.

XOXO,
The Grinch

A Slump…

Truth: I feel like I am in a little bit of a slump right now. I can’t explain what has been going on lately that has caused it, but life has caught up with me in a big way lately.

5 things that have been going on lately…

1. As I noted before, I have a job that requires me to travel and it’s fantastic. I am often in awe of the fact that I get paid to do what I do and for that, I am eternally grateful. That said, being away from home can wear on a person. Hotel pillows aren’t always great. The temperature in every room I stay in vacillates between “eternal depths of hell” and “freezing my ass off” with not much in between. Hotels are noisy. Sometimes I get to listen to things I’d rather not hear, and I’ll just leave it at that. Sleeping in different beds each night takes a toll on a person also. And while I am fiercely independent, I do miss my hubby and home. Lately, I have had a lot of travel. Not just for work, but also for personal reasons, which I’ll discuss in a second.

2. This summer was crazy busy. I was in 3 weddings… 3… It is sort of ironic to me that I have never been in this many weddings in a summer in my life and it happened at 33 years old. 3 weddings mean 3 bachelorette parties and 3 bridal showers. None of this is bad or exhausting, and it was a super fun summer with everything we got to do. Two of the weddings were for family members I am extremely close to and there was a lot of love and emotion that went into them. I think that the culmination of getting through all that has kind of hit me hard. Now we return to normal adult life and I am just shocked that all those weddings are done.

A lot of the personal travel I had this summer was for these weddings or events related to them. I did sneak away to Portland for a long weekend with my hubby and got to go visit friends in Seattle for a few days on my own as well. I kind of feel like I need a slow down right now, but life has a way of not really allowing that when you need it. Right now it’s really a matter of forcing myself to have an occasional lazy Sunday and also finding a way to prioritize sleep at night.

3. Somewhere in all of this, I feel like I let go of my fitness routine and that is killing me and making me extremely sad. I have been working out and lifting religiously for a year and a half and for the last 6 weeks or so, I’ve struggled to even walk in to the gym. It’s funny how when you go workout regularly, you feel so much better, but it’s still such a challenge to get out of a rut and start going again when you’ve stopped.

I know, with certainty, that it is time to get my booty back in the squat rack and get on the stair climber and literally start working my butt off again. Am I the only one that struggles with these ruts? If anyone wants to volunteer to be a workout partner, I’d love some extra incentive right now… 🙂

4. I have allowed some negativity to seep into my brain for some reason. I did so well for a while with eliminating negative self-talk and not allowing negative people and forces to impact how I live my life. I need to start doing that again for self-preservation sake.

If I had to pick one thing that is causing the most mental exhaustion for me, this is what I would pick. Seeing myself in a negative light is one of the worst things for me mentally and I don’t know why I do it. If I could explain it, I could probably stop doing it. My close friends have all caught me in this ridiculousness before and called me out. Bottom line, it’s annoying and it needs to stop. The worst part is that the one thing that is the most internal is what is contributing so much to how I have been feeling lately.

5. There has been a lot going on with my family. Obviously, there were weddings, and those were happy and wonderful. There has also been some tough stuff. It sometimes seems like we can’t catch a break as a family. Watching family members battle cancer and other illness is tough. For maybe the first time in my life, I am starting to realize that my parents and other close family members aren’t invincible and that they may not be around for forever. This has been a really challenging realization for me and it has hit me hard a few times recently.

I know this post feels a little negative, but trust me that I count my blessings daily. I have a great job, an amazing husband, and incredible friends and family and I absolutely know that.  It’s just time for me to get myself back on track and start taking care of me a little better. Sometimes, I think just saying “I’m frustrated, but it will be okay!” makes a huge difference in our perspective.