Category: Uncategorized

Secret Time…

Secret time…

I am a fitness junkie who is unhappy with where my body is at right now. Like so many others, I gained some weight in the last year or so.

It feels like a dirty secret to say that I am not in love with my body right now. It hurts my heart to say it and I feel like others will judge me for saying it. Here’s the truth, I let myself stop caring about myself during all of the trauma and chaos that was the 18 months of my life. I continued to work out, but not wholeheartedly. I quit even trying to eat healthy. I drank too much. Yes, it was a rough time filled with a pandemic, multiple deaths of friends and family, and dealing with my own disease. No, that doesn’t make it acceptable.

I think what hurts the most is that not only do I not like my body right now, but I do have an invisible “forever” disease that makes it so important to make my health a priority. So I am in a bad place both mentally and physically. Body image and dysmorphia has always been there but I have learned how to love my body for what it is capable of, which is so much. I’ve felt that fading recently, even. I know my body does amazing things, and I am grateful for what it gives me, but I need to get back to loving myself. Before anyone starts giving me advice, I do understand what I need to be doing and have already started working towards some new goals.

Another thing, my goal is not, nor was it ever, to be thin or skinny. Yes, I would like to like what I see in the mirror, without a doubt. However, the most important goal I have for myself is to get back to feeling healthy and happy in my body. There isn’t a “goal weight” or some number that is dictating the goals I set. It is more about a feeling I want to achieve and I will know when I start having that feeling again. I want to be intentional about fueling my body and working out. I want to be consistent again.

So, with all of that said, I am fighting another mental battle. I am totally in favor of body positivity, but it has come to a point where body positivity sometimes can feel like it’s a new form of shaming. I would NEVER condone body shaming anyone, and trust me when I say that I know I am body shaming myself and it isn’t a good look. However, being told repeatedly that I shouldn’t want to change my body almost makes me feel like I’m being shamed for wanting to make changes to my body to better my health. I am incredibly happy for anyone that feels healthy and happy. I am incredibly happy for all who are comfortable in their skin and I honestly am striving to get there again. I just don’t want to feel bad because I am not there now. I know that my reactions to things are within my control, and I am trying to work on managing that. There isn’t an amount of memes or inspirational messages that can make me love my body. That is something I need to work through and make happen on my own. I need to work on getting healthier in my mindset, so that’s what I will be doing. I won’t be doing it because someone else told me to be body positive. I will be doing it because I know how great it feels to be comfortable in your skin, and I miss that.

I really just wish we could normalize letting people be where they are and supporting them through it, whether they are totally comfortable in their skin and feeling confident, or making changes to get to that point. If you feel good in your skin, please be confident as hell and share it with the world… it is contagious. Show up and support your people whether they are feeling as good as you or trying to get there. When a friend makes a choice to start working out or eating differently to make themselves healthier, support the hell out of them. Deciding to make a healthy change is hard. When a friend is feeling themselves, support the hell out of them. We forget that it takes all kinds and everyone is striving for the best life. That might look different for each of us, but we can still be there are support one another.

I will find my happy space again. In the meantime, I promise that I will support all of you whether you are already in your happy place or trying to get there. I don’t hate my body, but I need to learn to love it again.

Not So Rare.

This is going to be a long one… so, either close out now or get comfortable, I guess.

Lately, I have been trying to go through some things quietly because I don’t know how to express myself, perhaps. If you know me, you know that it is a rare day that I don’t know how to express something. My journey with rare disease officially started with my diagnosis of Fabry’s in October of 2013. It has been a weird and long road since then. It really started long before that. Obviously, since this is genetic, it technically started at birth.

 I honestly think that it really started for me when my mom had a heart attack at age 49. At the time, we had no idea about the Fabry’s. We just knew she had an early heart attack that wasn’t actually caused by blocked arteries. It was weird, but it was real. Some time after that, a cousin was dealing with kidney disease/failure for unknown reasons and thankfully a doctor decided to dig deeper than just treating the symptoms. A genetic panel revealed the Fabry’s. Then, my uncle had a massive stroke in his early 50’s, which ultimately brought him to his death 5 years later. That was just over a year ago.

Since he passed, I have been fighting some internal struggles as I was not treating my Fabry’s. For the record, I was being compliant and working with doctors to basically cautiously wait. It was pretty much agreed upon that if I started showing any major changes or symptoms, I would start treatment. At that time, the only treatment available was an infusion every other week that took hours. Obviously, that is a lot to absorb into my life for any of you that know the kind of schedule I keep both at work and in my personal life. I also was cautiously waiting because there was a pill form of treatment that was being studied at the time.

Since my uncle passed, my stress level about cautiously waiting has skyrocketed. I made the decision a year ago to start the pill form of treatment. It sounds simple, but not so much. I had to undergo more genetic testing to ensure my genetic variant (basically the piece of my DNA that is broken) was amenable to the pill form of treatment. I also am dealing with navigating through patient assistance and other issues related to paying for this med. It is over $300,000 a year, so we aren’t talking about a med I can go to the local pharmacy and grab on my way home from work. So, last May I started working through all of this and thought my care team was on board.

Fast forward to today… almost a year later, and I am in the process of hopefully securing a new care team. Without going into too much detail, I stopped hearing from my previous doctors and in spite of leaving messages and other things, I am still sitting here not being treated. In addition to that, I was able to access my medical records and a year ago, there were some alarming changes in some of my cardiac tests. As I stated above, my mom had a heart attack in her late 40’s. I am 37 today… and, as you can imagine, cardiac changes definitely scare me. I am hoping that I will be able to better understand what is happening in my body soon and that I am on the path to treating this damn thing.

I guess that’s my back story… as far as my mention of dealing with things quietly, that has more to do with the mental stuff. Obviously, the pandemic has brought with it a myriad of mental health issues for so many people, and I was not exempt from that. Add in rare disease, a couple deaths in the family, and trying to navigate getting the right doctors in place, and my anxiety level has been high. It has definitely been worse the last several weeks. I feel myself withdrawing a lot more and trying to internalize things because I don’t want to force my problems on anyone else. Anxiety will also have you thinking you are having a heart attack sometimes, which doesn’t help anything.

You want to know what the toughest thing about all of this is? No one understands this disease. Hell, half the time I have to bring my doctors up to speed on what it even is. Trying to talk to my friends is basically pointless. They can’t relate so they don’t have anything to say, and I feel more alone when I do try to talk to them. My family understands and I love them for it, but sometimes I just want to talk to someone outside my family unit and have them understand. Sometimes I just want to cry and its hard to do that except when I am by myself.

I have tried really hard to be a voice of positivity in all of this, and I generally have a very good attitude about it all. My life is better because I value it more. I take the trips and do the fun things. I spend time with those that matter to me. I rarely turn down a glass of wine and conversation with a friend. That said, I still have some really down days and lately I feel like I have been dealing with the less positive side of all of this. My heart hurts and my spunk is lost for now. I am scared, more often than I want to admit, about what could be next for me and my family. Losing people you love sucks… and watching them suffer also sucks. Worrying about if an when something might happen to you also sucks. Its just the truth, even if it sounds negative.

I am hopeful that I can start treatment soon, but I am also just going through a lot of emotions right now. Despite this having been going on for so long, some days I feel like it is brand new to me. The reality of it has always been there but it is hitting hard these days. I know that I will be around for a long time, or at least I assume that, but it sucks to be 37 and really wondering if I will be dealing with major heart problems sometime in the next 10-15 years. Mostly, I just want to feel comfortable and safe talking to people. I want people to at least try to understand and be willing to let me vent. I don’t want to be dealing with this by myself. I don’t want to be crying alone anymore.

 I know that I am not the only one dealing with this kind of dilemma and I just hope that, if nothing else, maybe my experience will be relatable to someone who is struggling similarly and that they will know that they aren’t alone.

Beautifully Bipolar… A Mental Illness Story.

Here’s the thing about mental illness, you don’t know how to navigate it unless you have it, but even then, you don’t know how to navigate it.  I spent a lot of years thinking so many things I was dealing with were just normal things everyone goes through and that I was probably over exaggerating…

mindfulmeanderings's avatar by mindfulmeanderings

Low

A low point. A lull. A dark place. Depression. I would put money down on the fact that none of those words or phrases sparked good feelings in you. Yeah, me either. However, sometimes they are my reality… like right now. I am in a pretty weird place mentally right now. I can’t explain why…

mindfulmeanderings's avatar by mindfulmeanderings

Secret Time…

Secret time… I am a fitness junkie who is unhappy with where my body is at right now. Like so many others, I gained some weight in the last year or so. It feels like a dirty secret to say that I am not in love with my body right now. It hurts my heart…

mindfulmeanderings's avatar by mindfulmeanderings

Clumps of Dirt, a Memoir.

Have you ever picked up a clump of dirt and then had it fall apart in your hand into smaller pieces? Some days that is what I feel like when I try to pick up the pieces of myself and be whole again. I feel like I have spent so much time in the last 6 months telling myself everything is going to be okay instead of dealing with how broken I feel. Before I continue, I should clarify that this isn’t me whining about my life. This is me acknowledging that sometimes you just cannot pick up all the pieces. Sometimes you have to pick up what you can to start to rebuild and recognize that some of those pieces either aren’t ready to be picked up or maybe they need to be left behind and you’ll find a piece that fits just as well later.

This blog isn’t even a “2020 has been hard” story. We know that, we get it, we all friggin get it. Here’s the deal. I am broken right now, and I don’t know why. Was 2020 and its bullshit the catalyst in me breaking? I have no idea. I actually have started to wonder if in some ways, this year forced me to slow down enough to actually realize there are some things that I haven’t been taking care of within myself. I think this year has forced a lot of us to take a good hard look at life and spend some time alone with our thoughts.

There is the unfortunate reality that I am trying to cope with some mental health issues. I referenced this is a previous blog, but lets just say I am still working on it. Anxiety and depression are definitely not things I anticipated dealing with. I think I have, on some level, always been a high functioning person with anxiety. We can psychoanalyze the hell out of this, but bottom line is that it definitely goes back to when I was a kiddo.

Sadly, when you are dealing with mental health garbage, there is always collateral damage. I have lost friends and had struggles in my relationships with family and friends this year. I haven’t lost my shit on anyone or had a huge fight. I have simply been unable to be as present as I have been historically because I am struggling to be people-y and some days are worse than others. I am 100% positive that in most cases, I have failed to adequately explain to people why I haven’t been as available as I have been in the past. This has lead to hurt feelings and a lot of texts saying “are you upset with me?” Most of the time when I get those, I stare at my phone confused, thinking “what? No!” My own husband, who would move mountains for me, has had to ask this. I will tell you all right now, if you are one of these people who has reached out, I am very sorry that my stress caused you stress. No one deserves that.

Another thing that I have recently realized is that I have not been giving myself the rest that I deserve. A very dear friend has helped me realize that stress is stress, whether it is emotional, mental, or physical. I am taking a little hiatus right now from some of the things that I can. There are things in life that are stressful but are also “have to” things. Those I obviously can’t take a break from, so I am resting my body from intense exercise and choosing to screen calls, texts, Facebook messages, snapchats, Instagram messages, and all the other messages more. It isn’t necessarily that I am not returning them, but I am choosing to return them when it isn’t necessarily an “OMG, I don’t want to deal with this now” moment. I am prioritizing going for walks, reading, getting some extra sleep, and just letting myself feel my feelings. Some days there are A LOT of feelings… those days I am probably more tuned out to the world.

It’s a hard thing, really, choosing to deal with your own mental game of tennis. On one hand, you don’t want to pack up and live there, but on the other, sometimes you have to spend a long weekend there to recognize the underlying issues that lead you there in the first place. It is kind of like saying to yourself, “alright, lets pack up the car for a few days in Bismarck, ND in January.” No disrespect to North Dakota, but I certainly wouldn’t spend a long weekend there in the winter if I didn’t have to.

I keep trying to remind myself that, like all things, this too shall pass. It isn’t always easy, but I am trying to extend some grace to myself for now. I feel like I have to until the clumps of dirt are a little less crumbly and I can pick them up again.

By Definition…

Anxiety-
Noun (plural anxieties)
-a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome
-desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease
-a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks

I have been trying to write about this for a while. I have been trying to put my thoughts into writing on anxiety and mental health. Ironically, the thought of writing about anxiety gives me anxiety. As a person who struggles with multiple forms of anxiety, the irony of that is comical to me. While I do have some fear of judgement related to speaking openly about a mental health struggle, I also recognize that a lot of people are struggling with anxiety in some form during this incredibly uncertain time.

2020 has been an interesting year for me. It started with the realization that I was going through some mental health stuff and I needed clinical help to cope with it. Then came a death in my family followed by an immediate pivot into pandemic and quarantine. Now we are into a period of civil unrest in our country. Listen, that’s just the big stuff. Intermingled in that are feelings of fear, uncertainty, struggles with family and friends, and a new level of exhaustion. I can only imagine so many of you are dealing with a lot of similar feelings.

I am going to start out talking about the basics, first. Every single person has an amygdala in their brain. It controls things like memory, decision making, and emotional responses. When things get crazy or scary, the amygdala sends signals to the hypothalamus and the sympathetic nervous system is activated. That, my friends, is your fight or flight response that ultimately sends adrenaline into the blood. Fight or flight is an important response in the body. It protects us in the worst situation. It shuts down things like digestive functions, hunger, and thirst to help us get thru imminent danger. A person who struggles with anxiety has an amygdala that is on overdrive. This means that they spend time in fight or flight response when they may not be in imminent danger.

Now let me tell you what all this means for me. I have both general and social anxiety. Yup, most people would interpret me to be an extrovert and I still struggle with social anxiety. Talk about a fun anomaly.

With general anxiety, there are times when I can’t let things go because my brain thinks there is some inevitable danger that is coming my way. I will literally tell myself to stop thinking about things over and over, but it doesn’t help. I often must find something to focus on, like music, or a book, or some meaningless Netflix show to take my mind away from what has me feeling some kind of way. On the worst days, there are anxiety attacks. The adrenaline from fight or flight takes over and I can’t breathe or stop my thinking from going to the worst of places. It is scary. I know that most people are probably thinking that I just need to calm down or recognize that I am not in danger. I agree and I’d love to do that. When things get out of control, I rationally understand that I need to stop and that there is no real danger or threat… but it’s not simple to make it stop.

Social anxiety is not what you think it is. I am not afraid of crowds or being around people. I love being around people most of the time. That’s agoraphobia, which is also a form of anxiety. Social anxiety is more like this constant feeling that I am always being judged in social situations. I replay things in my head constantly and always wonder if I should’ve said something different. I read something that basically said that social anxiety is a lot like conspiracy theorizing about yourself. Nothing has resonated like that did. Essentially, I am always wondering if I am likable or if I just think I am, and others are just pretending to like me. Even typing that makes me cringe internally because it sounds so dumb, but it is true. I will reread text message conversations every single day wondering if anything I said could be misconstrued or taken the wrong way. When someone I know looks at me weird or is having an off day in my presence, I replay the last things I said to them wondering if I might’ve said something to upset them.

All of this is not ideal, but it doesn’t stop me from living a normal life. I must manage it and find outlets… like writing overly honest blogs about mental health. I must avoid certain situations when I am feeling off. There are times, when after a couple days that are particularly full of social interaction, I need time to recuperate. During those times, I might ignore my phone or even turn it off so I can just focus on relaxing. Unfortunately, there are times when I must avoid certain people to protect my own mental health. Some days all I can do is focus on the tasks in front of me. There will also be days where I will prioritize a workout over some other social outing because working out helps keep me calm.

I have been kicking around writing this for days. I have started, stopped, and restarted writing repeatedly. I had an epiphany of sorts over the weekend. I am not the only one that is on the struggle bus with mental health right now. I’d even argue that some who have never struggled with mental health are feeling overly anxious or stressed with all the uncertainty in the world. Please know that if you are struggling, you are not alone. I am always here to talk or distract you when you need it. Even those of us who look put together and play the part of a functioning adult well are dealing with mental health issues. It is okay to admit that some days are difficult, and often some weeks or even months are difficult. If nothing else is gained from this, please know that none of us must suffer alone.

Life… or Something Like It?

I have been wearing a heart monitor for about 46.5 hours… I have to make it to 48. I haven’t been able to shower since I have had it on, and for some reason these last few hours have been torture. I decided it might be time to share an update with all of you. Quite frankly, I need to kill some time and try to stay sane until I can enjoy a hot shower.

I made a social media post a couple days ago about doctor’s appointments and tests and rare disease. Many of you know that I have been dealing with a rare disease called Fabry’s Disease. I was diagnosed officially in 2013, but I was born with it. My grandmother, great aunt, cousin, uncle, mom, and brother also were diagnosed with this disease. I know I have written about it in my blog before and posted several times on Instagram and Facebook. I try to be an open book about it for a couple of reasons. For me, it is easier to deal with things if I am not hiding them. Some of how I cope is by being honest with others and with myself. This is real and it’s a forever thing. I can barely keep a secret for a week, so there’s no point in trying here. I also feel like the best way to be there for others is to share my story and, in turn, hope that they are more comfortable sharing theirs. I know that not everyone is comfortable being public about these types of things, and that is okay. We all cope differently.

I am going to give a brief overview on the disease itself, and then I will share some of my thoughts and things I am dealing with right now.

Fabry’s Disease is a rare, progressive, X chromosome linked genetic disorder. It is classified as a lysosomal storage disorder. Since it is X chromosome linked, it can only be passed down when a parent passes an X chromosome. To keep it simple, females are born with an X from both parents, and males only get an X chromosome from their mother. My brother and I both had a 50% chance of inheriting this from our mom, and we both did. Men can only pass it on to daughters. I won’t dig any deeper into that because genetics are hard to explain. The genetic mutation causes people with the disease to produce less or zero of an important enzyme. Enzymes break down all kinds of wastes in our bodies so that they can be excreted. In the case of my lacking enzyme, there are certain lipids (fats) that my body doesn’t readily break down. They build up in places like the kidneys, the heart, and the brain. There isn’t anything I can do from a dietary standpoint to fix this. The result is that Fabry’s patients are at increased risk for stroke, severe kidney disease, and heart disease. There are lots of other symptoms such as neurologic pain, inability to sweat, and weird spots that can be seen on the corneas, among other things. So, there’s the overview. If you have more specific questions, I’d love to explain more… but it gets deep fast.

Now, onto an update surrounding me and some of what has been going on. There has been a treatment available for Fabry’s for some time now. It comes in the form of an I.V. infusion every other week that is time consuming, especially to start. I had opted out of doing infusions for a number of reasons. First and foremost, my doctors had said they were okay with me waiting because I am not showing signs of damage yet. The infusions did present an intrusion on my life that I wasn’t quite ready for. I know it sounds selfish, but it was my reality. I had also been following a new treatment option in the form of a pill that was being studied and had hoped it would get approval prior to any signs of damage to my organs. Long story short, the pill is now approved and I should be able to treat my disease with it (only 30-50% of patients have a genetic defect that is amenable to this treatment option). It is not a cheap option, but none of the treatments for this disease are anything other than extraordinarily expensive.

I must see a nephrologist, neurologist, and cardiologist twice a year in Billings, MT. For those of you unfamiliar with Montana, that’s over 200 miles from home for me. I must have tests… a lot of tests… to check on my heart, lungs, brain, kidneys, eyes, and ears. The result is a very long couple of days. I did that this week. Combined with wrapping my head around getting treatment, figuring out the assistance necessary to afford treatment, and the drive time, all those tests exhaust me. I usually need a day or two just to process and this time was even worse. The heart monitor and the lack of showering that came with it are part of the tests. 🙂

On top of all that, the cardiologist noticed a slightly abnormal heart rhythm on my EKG. It is completely unrelated to the genetic stuff, but I also have a cardiac disorder called Wolff-Parkinson-White that has also likely been there since birth. In simple terms, we all have an internal electrical system that keeps our heart beating. There is a bundle called the AV node that oversees that electrical system. It is basically the heart’s natural pacemaker. Well, I have a second node. Basically, my heart’s electrical system has a short. For now, I don’t have to do anything for it as my heart rhythm is regular almost all the time. In the future, I may need to have a procedure done to correct it.

Many of you also know that my Uncle Duane passed away in early March. I think that is maybe my biggest driver in treating my Fabry’s Disease. I loved him dearly, and I miss him very much. 5 years ago, he had a massive stroke. Unfortunately, he had declined Fabry’s testing up till that point but tested positive after the stroke occurred. He was 51 when he had the stroke and he was 56 when he passed away. His 57th birthday would’ve been at the end of this month. He passed away as the result of a fall and a brain bleed. However, all that goes back to the major stroke as well as several others he had as a result of the Fabry’s. Here’s the truth… I was asked to write his obituary and it occurred to me that my brother and I have a real chance at starting treatment before the symptoms ever rear their ugly head. Unfortunately, there are others in my family living with heart and kidney disease as a result of all this. My heart is still recovering from the loss of my uncle, but it gave me the gift of seeing my longevity and mortality as something of importance.

I have a real shot at living a very normal life with treatment. There are places on this planet that I want the opportunity to visit. There are mountains I haven’t climbed. There are laughs with friends and family that I haven’t had yet. There are hugs and kisses and moments with my husband that I haven’t had yet. Every single day that we get to enjoy the beauty of this world and share time with those we love is a gift. We get one chance to cherish the gift of life and I am going to try to make that last if I can.

On another note, I have nearly made it to the end of 48 hours and will soon be able to shower and go spend an evening having backyard drinks and enjoying some of the laughs I haven’t experienced yet with my dearest friends. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me privately if you want to know more about any of this. I am an open book and I’d love to talk to you.

A Quarantine Survival Guide

I think that no matter what you think of the current state of affairs, most of us have hit a state of troubled in the last few days. It is weird right now, guys… really weird. Most of us are trying to navigate circumstances that we’ve never seen before, and every day is a new adventure of changes. People are working from home while trying to ensure their kids are on task with school work from home. It is a lot to digest and it came on so quickly. I can honestly say my head is spinning, and I suspect most people are feeling this way right now.
With all of this, we have seen a lot of negativity in the last several days. It is somewhat a natural reaction to unprecedented change and hard times. I have gone from a state of untroubled, to troubled, to anxious, to angry, and on and on. Yesterday brought about a shift in thinking for me. I came to a spot where I started thinking heavily about what I can do to get through this, and how can I help others get through this. Today I am going to tell you my list of important things I am going to be armed with to get through this. It is not what you’d expect. I am not going to stockpile toilet paper and bathe in Lysol.

First and foremost, for me, now is a time to be kind and compassionate. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE ENCOUNTER IS DEALING WITH A LOT RIGHT NOW. For the people in the back, that was EVERY SINGLE PERSON… right now is a time where I don’t think you can be too kind. Thank anyone who does something that makes your life easier. Thank the person who is working in the grocery store, because if they don’t go to work, the store might not be open, and we might not get food. Thank our firemen and police officers who are out ensuring public safety during a time when they are feeling as uncertain as we are. Thank healthcare workers and pharmacists for being on the front lines of this. Thank anyone who goes out of their way to make your life easier or better. Anyone who takes the time right now to check in on you is an angel, because they care about your needs and not just their own during tough times.
I am going to be self-aware and give myself a break. During times like this, I think it is okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. It is okay to be sad, anxious, scared, angry, hopeful, or any other emotion that you might be feeling. If you’re anything like me, you’ve felt all of these things to some degree every day in waves. Right now is not a time to get frustrated with ourselves for feeling all the feels. There is no wrong way to feel. There isn’t an instruction manual on how to handle this situation. It is okay, no matter what. Not only am I going to allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling, but I am willing to lend an ear to anyone who wants to talk, no matter where they are emotionally in the moment.
I am an empath and it can be challenging at times, but I am going to be empathetic right now. I am going to try to put myself in the shoes of others to understand them and what they are feeling better. When someone at the grocery store seems grumpy, instead of being upset, I will remind myself that they are dealing with a lot and are potentially being exposed to illness just by showing up to work every day. When someone seems panicked, I will seek to understand from their point of view.
I am going to find a way to connect more with people from a distance. For years, we have been using our technology to disconnect. We have all failed to be present at certain times. Right now, we have an opportunity to use our technology to actually connect with other people. We are so fortunate that we can practice social distancing and still stay connected. You can bet that things like FaceTime are going to be a bigger part of my life. If you need me this weekend, I will be drinking wine over a video chat with my friends. I am going to send pictures and videos of my quarantine adventures and I hope others will send them to me. I would absolutely love to see what you and your family are doing through all of this.
I am going to keep my sense of humor. I have been through some shit in my life and I have never managed to stop laughing. I will be damned if this situation is going to take away my humor. I will continue to send and post silly memes and try to laugh though this. I will try to be a source of laughs for my people.
So, to recap, my quarantine must haves are:
1. Kindness and compassion for others.
2. Self-awareness
3. Empathy
4. Connection
5. Humor
I truly believe that how we, as humans, handle this, matters. We need to take care of ourselves and each other. We cannot control what is happening, unfortunately. We can control how we react to it and that is what matters most. Let’s look out for each other. Let’s check in on each other. Let’s get through this and hopefully establish a new normal in the future. Enjoy your downtime for now, practice social distancing, wash your hands, and follow the CDC recommendations.  I’ve got your six and I hope you have mine too.

Auld Lang Syne

So begins another new year, and all the resolutions that come with these sorts of momentous occasions. Change is good and for some people a big event like a new year is a great time to start a change. I am not one to be a huge believer in resolutions, but I do see value in them. I think that anything that promotes positive change in our lives, whatever that may be, is valuable. That said, I have been thinking about the year ahead and some of my goals and what I want to accomplish and started making a list of things I want to do or change in 2020. Writing things down makes them more concrete for me, so I thought I’d share.

1. Read more. This year, I want to immerse myself in more books. Fiction, non-fiction, self-help, etc. All of the above. When I am reading more, I feel more mentally stimulated. It helps me at work, as well as in the rest of my life. For me, sometimes “read” more means more audio books because of all the time I spend in the car for work. I do plan to increase my time spent listening to audio books, but I really want to spend more time with… wait for it… paper books. I don’t want my time spent reading to be screen time. Part of why I want to read more is to reduce screen time.
2. Write more. Writing is an outlet for me. It helps me center myself and refocus when I am struggling with life and all of its anxiety. When I initially started considering this, I thought about setting a finite goal like “publish a blog every week,” but that’s not necessarily reasonable. Sometimes I just don’t have an experience or feeling I need to write about. I do hope to publish blogs more often this year, so I hope you all enjoy.
3. Maintain a more positive attitude. This is something I have been working on for a while, and I do believe I’ve made progress, but this will forever be a goal. Life is a gift, and it is important to treat it as such. Every second spent in a bad headspace is a second that you cannot get back. Our seconds of living are not infinite. That said, maintaining a positive attitude does not mean that a person must walk around bubbly happy every second of every day. For me, it means little things like remembering that things don’t happen to me, they just happen, and how I handle them matters. It also means that having the “I can’t” attitude needs to be a thing of the past.
4. Minimize my alcohol consumption. In 2019, I made a lot of positive diet changes and got consistent with my workouts. One thing I continued to hold onto was my alcohol consumption. I don’t drink to excess constantly or anything. However, I am basically mentally trained to cure boredom with food and drink. It isn’t uncommon to fill a Saturday afternoon with “lets go grab pizza and beers.” While I do think this is something that is okay to do on occasion, its become a thing I do too often. It is often harmful to my training and doesn’t align with the fitness goals I have set for myself.
5. Avoid situations and people that don’t feel positive or happy. This goes back to maintaining a positive attitude for me. While I know and appreciate that I am very much in charge of my mindset, part of that is surrounding myself with like-minded, positive people and situations. I wrote a blog a little while back about a change of scenery and the importance of cheering each other on and not being in situations where an entire group of people are having a conversation that is nothing but bashing someone else. I meant everything that I wrote. I want to be in good situations with uplifting people whenever possible.
6. Stop minimizing my feelings and allow myself to be more vulnerable. You guys, I can be a lot to handle. I am so emotional. At my worst, I am sensitive, stubborn, difficult, and borderline depressive. I care about everything and I feel everything. At my best I am generous, caring, and always available to the people I love. I spend so much time trying to fit in a box and not be “too much” for people. While I do think it is important to have control over emotions, I also think its important to let people see me for who I am, even on the tough days. Looking back, I think most of the times in life when I have fallen into a longer term, negative attitude has been the result of burying feelings.
7. Stop worrying so much about what my body looks like and focus on what it is capable of. I have spent too many years thinking I weighed too much. 2019 was maybe the first year that I really started to appreciate all the things my body can do. We ask our bodies to handle so much, and really, we should appreciate them instead of hating them. I can lift heavy weights, do gymnastics movements, run long distances, and climb mountains, among so many other things. I have a lot to celebrate. I am physically capable of so much, so why do I still let a scale define me some days? That is some crap that needs to be left behind.
8. Take space when I need it. This is simple really. I do not need to be constantly available to the world. Of course, it is important to be there for friends and family, but it is also important to be available for oneself. I am done showing up for every little outing that comes up. This year I am going to take time away from people when I need it. I am going to give myself space to breathe. I am going to allow myself to say no and be okay with missing out on things. Mostly, I am going to allow myself time to reflect and be alone when I am tired either physically or mentally.
9. Prioritize sleep. Anyone who knows me knows that sleep is such an issue for me. I am either getting 9 hours of sleep or 3. I have a hard time falling asleep sometimes. I am on prescription medication to help me sleep. I am going to try to be as consistent as possible with bed time. From a training perspective, it is so important for recovery. From a life perspective, it is so important for a good attitude. Getting enough sleep is also detrimental to controlling my emotions.
10. Spend more time talking about the present and future than the past. We cannot change what has happened in the past, but we can sure as hell plan for the future. We can also be present in the now. I want to talk about hopes and dreams for the future with my people. I want to put my phone and other distractions away and be present to have these conversations in the moment.

 
I truly hope that 2020 is the best year yet for all of us. I really hope that in a year’s time I can look back at this blog and say that I made some progress towards all these things. It’s the roaring 20’s and its time for a glow up.

It’s Time for a Change of Scenery

I am about to drop some truth bombs…

Being a woman in your 30s isn’t as cool as I thought it would be. When I was younger, I told myself that a lot of the not so fun things I endured in my 20s would get better. You know what? Some of them did. I no longer have to do the dating thing or wait for a call from some guy for multiple days. I have a job where I no longer have to stress about how I am going to pay my bills every month. I am finally really okay with just being myself. All of those things are pretty great.

You know what sucks though? As women who are in our 30s, we are still competing with each other like it’s a goddamn job. The worst part of all this is that instead of cheering for each other, we actually have the audacity to get pissed off when someone else is having success. Mind you, I say “we” because I am guilty at times too. Its just sort of part of what we do. I know not everyone is doing this all the time, but I bet most of us have at least at some point.

NEWSFLASH: ANOTHER WOMAN’S SUCCESS IS NOT AN INSULT TO YOU. Mind blown! Someone who is shining and growing likely isn’t doing it to spite you. Clap for her. Cheer her on. Let her mindset rub off on you. I am making some commitments to myself as I think about this. I have been really re-evaluating things and realizing that I need to make changes too.

I will no longer half ass cheer for someone. If I am cheering for you, I mean it. I will think about my words more so that I don’t give back handed compliments. I don’t want to be the girl giving compliments like “you look great, but I wouldn’t want to have muscles like that.” I have heard this very compliment directed at me. It sucks. That’s not a person I want to be. I will stop saying things like “you’re killing it, girl” unless they are fully genuine.

If a conversation is mostly about bashing other people, I will excuse myself. I want to hear about the cool things you are doing, your hopes and dreams, the amazing vacation you just got back from, and the fun happenings in your family. I also want to be there for you as a friend when you’re struggling and listen to you. I don’t want our time together to be spent complaining about other people. I just don’t.

I will celebrate your successes even when I am struggling. Life sometimes gives us a crappy hand, but that’s no excuse not to clap for someone else. I feel like anytime I hear of someone else’s success, even in the worst of my times, it can be uplifting. So, if you know I am struggling, PLEASE still come to me to tell me of the promotion you got, your big fitness accomplishment, or any other good fortune you might have in your life now.

I will no longer try to outdo anyone else’s success. I am an intelligent, strong, and beautiful woman, in my own way. I don’t need to be better than anyone else. I don’t need to prove that I am better at simply being. My journey isn’t the same as anyone else’s and all comparison does is cheapen that. We can all be successful. We can all share the glory. There is plenty of it out there.

I will TRY my best to maintain a positive attitude. It is infectious and good for everyone. I will try to always be the friend that looks on the bright side. If you need some motivation or to hear something uplifting, I will make every effort to be the friend that you can come to. I will do everything in my power to not get sucked into negativity or negative conversations.

Bottom line is that I am so ready to stop competing and stop comparing. It’s time for a change of scenery.

I Failed Today…

Have you ever thought about what it means to be a failure? Like during those times when you feel like a failure or feel like you are failing at a certain aspect of life, what does that mean in the grand scheme of life?

When I look up the definition of failure, there are 3 things listed.
1. Lack of success. This is a basic definition. Success is the inverse of failure, so it makes sense as a definition. However, who defines success? If we are looking at a math problem, I suppose success is finding the right answer. That’s black and white though. If you say you are failing at parenting, for example, how do you define success? My point is that we often set our own expectations for what success means.
2. The omission of expected or required action. I love this one because it uses the word “expected” within it. To my point earlier, you set the expectation.
3. The action or state of not functioning. This definition is the one used in the medical community. As health care workers, when we talk about heart failure or total organ failure, we mean that parts of the body are just blatantly not functioning in the way they were designed to. This is the definition used in the mechanical world too. However, I think that it is valid in life. Back to the example before, to fail at parenting, one would simply have to not function in any capacity as a parent.

I have a friend who has been struggling. No, this is not one of those “asking for a friend” things. I am writing about all of this with her permission. To make a long story incredibly short, we had a lengthy text exchange a little over a week ago that was full of negative self-talk and “I feel like a failure” from her. The whole thing made me incredibly sad and I got defensive. I was defending her to her, in a way. It ultimately came down to me saying “STOP BEING ABUSIVE TO YOURSELF!” After me being a little harsh with her, we started getting to the root of the issue, which was ultimately that her self esteem was in a tough place and that she wanted to get back to eating healthier, living a healthier lifestyle, etc.

We set these incredibly high expectations for ourselves based on the picture perfect lives we see others leading. What you see on social media isn’t real. You might see a picture-perfect family or a mom you assume is perfect, but I can guarantee you that the perfect family has skeletons and that perfect mom has days where she wants to run away from her family too. This is life. It’s normal to feel that way sometimes. Its normal to have bad days. This doesn’t make you a failure.

I am really trying, in my own life, to look at things that I once viewed as failures as opportunities now. Simple things like instead of viewing not getting a job I applied for as a failure, maybe it was an opportunity to improve my resume’ or practice my interviewing skills. In the gym, if I fail a lift, I look at it as an opportunity to work on my accessory strength.

In the bigger life things, like marriage for example, I am also trying to evaluate my own expectations of myself. What are they based on? Are they reasonable? If I mess something up in my marriage, its really an opportunity to talk through it and hopefully gain a deeper understanding of one another.

Bottom line is that life isn’t easy. It is even harder if we are walking around calling ourselves failures. If you can recognize when things aren’t going how you’d hoped and start making plans for growth from that, there is no failure. That means you made yourself better in that moment. Its okay to not be perfect, because guess what?! No one is.

Taking on Water

One year ago, my body tried to tell me to slow the hell down. One year ago, I might’ve been the worst listener on the planet.

Here’s the thing about our bodies… THEY KNOW. They try to tell us when we are going too hard, doing too much, and stressing too hard. Have you ever been in a life situation where you were proverbially taking on water and you knew it, but instead of fixing the problem, you just kept going until your ship sank? That is what I did last April. Bear with me, this is going to be a long post…

It started out simple enough. I woke up on a Sunday morning feeling crappy, lethargic, and exhausted. I ran a few errands and quickly realized I needed to lay down. I spent half a day in bed and decided to randomly check my temperature because of how I was feeling. 102… so I took some ibuprofen and went back to bed. The first of several critical mistakes came the following morning. I had a crazy busy six-day work week full of travel and chaos. Trips to Wyoming, Eastern Montana, and a medical conference requiring me to be out of town even on a Saturday. These weeks are not entirely uncommon in my work life, but this was a particularly busy week. I woke up on Monday still running a fever, and instead of resting like I should have, I packed up my car and grabbed some ibuprofen and took off for Gillette, Wyoming. I think back to this moment now and say to myself “what the hell, Kristin?”

I guess I assumed that the fever would resolve, and I’d be fine. That first night was when I noticed that I was getting these red blotches on my legs, but I assumed it was a side effect of the fever. My appetite was shot but again, just the fever, right? It’ll be better tomorrow, right? It wasn’t better tomorrow, or the next day, and the red blotches just kept multiplying until I had a solid rash covering my arms and legs. Wednesday night and Thursday were where the situation got ugly. I was alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol every 2 hours. Setting alarms all night because if I missed a dose, the fever would sky rocket to 102/103 so fast. I worked all day Wednesday and was supposed to get on a little tiny plane to Sidney, MT on Thursday. Wednesday night, I started vomiting… like a lot. I had barely eaten since Sunday. At 4AM on Thursday morning, I ended up canceling my trip and calling in sick. I was in a hotel room in Billings, MT but I was such a mess that I just had to rest. Friday, I still got up and went to work despite not really feeling much better. I was working a conference where there were two-hour time slots between times when we needed to be at the conference center and I was going to my car to sleep between every session. At this point, I even had rash on my chin and face that I covered with makeup. I had to go out and buy a long sleeve shirt to wear that day, so I could cover how bad this had gotten. When I finished working that day, I went back to my hotel room and laid on the bed and cried. Then I started throwing up again and laying there on the floor of my hotel room in between. At about 6:30 that night, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and went to the doctor.

Shit got real quickly. The walk-in doctor gave me some Tylenol because my fever was back up and immediately sent me to the ER. Keep in mind, this is all happening in Billings, MT which is 3.5 hours from home. In the ER they hooked me up to IV’s and started running every lab test known to man. The ER doctors were very bothered by the fever with a rash and somewhere around 10pm, they told me I wasn’t leaving. I called my husband and told him to get ready to come down, but in the morning when it was light and safe to drive. Thankfully, my brother and his wife as well as some great friends live in Billings. They came to the rescue and hung with me because I was terrified about an impending hospital admission.

At the end of this, I spent 3 nights in a hospital bed on a lot of drugs. I had given myself aspiration pneumonia on top of the weird unknown virus that I had. I was severely dehydrated; my kidneys were in an acute state of distress called AKI (acute kidney injury) from dehydration and all the ibuprofen I had been taking. Additionally, my liver was really pissed off from Tylenol. They never did figure out what the virus was, but they made me stay till the fever had mostly resolved and the rash had started to look better. It was awful, and I have so many regrets about my epic failure to listen to my body. When all this happened, I did not put a ton of info out there. Lots of people knew what had happened but I didn’t go very public because I was exhausted and a little embarrassed by how dumb I was.

Now, looking back, this was an important moment in my life. Not only did I learn a valuable lesson about taking care of myself and listening to my body, but I also ended up making an epic comeback. The last year has been full of growth. I am talking about the kind of personal growth that only comes from facing something tough.

I had literally started doing CrossFit about two months before this happened. I was making some gains. Let me tell you what… if you want to see rapid strength loss, a hospital bed is the place to be. In a week, essentially, I lost 20 lbs. After I got out of the hospital, I was told to take at least another week off from work and working out. I was so exhausted even though I was on the mend, so I absolutely needed that time. Going back to the gym was so terrible. The first day, I remember we were doing back squats and that was when I realized how weak I was. I had to bail on a squat and I walked to a wall and kicked it because I was so angry. The second day, I cried through a bunch of thrusters. The pneumonia made everything cardio feel like actual death. That damn pneumonia took almost 8 weeks to recover from fully. On top of that, my white blood cell count was elevated for 8-12 weeks after I was “better.” It took so much mental tenacity to keep showing up and keep working out. I can tell you right now that if I hadn’t been surrounded by coaches who totally committed to helping me get through this and a support network of workout buddies who cheered me on and pushed me to show up even when I was crying, I’d have quit.

Those of you who know me, know that I have rebounded fully and then some. I am stronger and faster physically than I ever was a year later. On top of that, I learned so much about my ability to fight through tough stuff. I learned how strong I am as a person. I also learned to let go of “I can’t” or “I’m afraid” and set some serious goals and work my ass off to achieve them. I learned to be open about struggles, because we all have them. I learned to take leaps out of my comfort zone. I learned that a little confidence in yourself goes a long damn way. I learned that I only have one body and I need to listen when it needs something. I learned that I have a fierce and supportive group of friends who have my back and will take care of me when I need it most. Embarrassed as I was that I essentially did this to myself, I am so grateful I went through this. It drove me and taught me a lot about who I am.

In all of this, there are a couple big takeaways. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY, PEOPLE! Rest when you need it! Don’t continue taking on water until you sink. Ask for help. Do whatever you need to so you can ensure you have time for self-care, no matter what that means. Secondly, don’t ever let a bad situation of a little adversity take you out of the game entirely. Use it as fuel for your fire. Keep pushing, strive for more, and I promise you’ll be better for it.

For those of you that read this far, thank you for sticking with me… I know it was a long one, but I hope it was worth the read.