Category: marriage

New Year, New Me.

Alright, its been awhile. I know.

I want to write about something tonight, but be forewarned that fitness will be a piece of this post. In particular, CrossFit is at the heart of it. I am about the be “that” person. You know what they say about CrossFit, right? Its like reverse Fight Club in that the first rule is that you never shut the hell up about it.

That said, stick with me. I am not going to write about specific WODs or lifting or burpees. Promise. I have been on this journey for nearly 18 months and I have started really thinking about the areas of my life that have been positively impacted by my fitness. There are the obvious things, like losing weight and my overall health, but what I want to talk about today are some other areas of my life that have been positively impacted.

1. My marriage. I write about this as the first thing because it might be the most important one. In June, we celebrated our 10th anniversary. This is a big accomplishment for a number of reasons, but mostly because marriage is simultaneously the hardest and best thing I have ever done. Anyone who is married knows that its not easy. Taking your life and crashing it into someone else’s and trying to make that a cohesive unit is a challenge, no matter how much you love someone. There are amazing days and there are challenging days and in between its just normal days. My mindset about my marriage is so strong right now and I think that comes from an underlying mentality of not quitting. Just like a challenging workout, when it gets really difficult, you keep going. You don’t quit. I look at my marriage with a “keep going, no matter what” mindset.
2. My confidence level in my career (and basically everywhere). Many of you know that I got promoted at work earlier this year. It took a lot for me to get through that process. It also wasn’t the first promotion position I had applied for with my company. It was the first one I was ready for mentally. For the first time ever, I walked into a job interview feeling like I was ready to do well under pressure. You see, for the last nearly 18 months, I have spent time nearly everyday doing things out of my comfort zone in the gym. I have done some things that I never thought possible, but mostly I have learned to be comfortable outside my comfort zone. Think about all the ways that can transfer into life and career. Think of all the things you would do if you weren’t afraid of being uncomfortable.
3. My willingness to be adventurous. This kind of falls into the comfort zone thing. I have a newfound respect for the sense of accomplishment that comes with being able to say “I did that!” Whenever I see a long hero WOD posted, I cringe, but then I want to do it simply so I can feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. Guess who willingly jumped into the Pacific Ocean with sharks on vacation? I did. Was I scared? HELL YES! I also had the moment of realizing that I didn’t want to leave that trip without saying that I did it. I am terrified of heights but I am really working to force myself to do things that help me face that fear. You miss out on a lot of fun adventures if you don’t deal with what scares you.
4. My body image and relationship with food. You guys, being a female means I still have days where I look in the mirror and absolutely pick myself apart. I still have days where I get caught up in the scale no matter how hard I try not to let my weight determine my happiness. I wrote a pretty good blog a year ago about one of those days. What I can tell you is that those days are a lot less frequent than they used to be. I have finally started being proud of my body for what it is capable of instead of how it looks. There is so much freedom in that. For the first time in my life, I view food with a healthy mindset. I know it is important to appropriately fuel my body, but I also know that doesn’t mean depriving myself of everything I love. I eat carbs, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don’t crash diet, and I don’t beat myself up for every bite of food I eat. I can tell when I haven’t eaten enough and I know that it is important not to under eat and put my body into starvation mode. Also, I now understand that sometimes you have a bad eating day, but it doesn’t have to derail you. You can get back on track and put that behind you. It is possible to like your body and enjoy food without stress. Its not easy, but it is possible.

My life has been bettered on so many levels by changing my mindset. I know that CrossFit didn’t do the work to make me better, I did the work, but I am so grateful for the coaches and gym family who have helped me discover myself. I am so grateful to be more happy, healthy, humble, and positive.

The Elephant in the Room

So, in the room of my life, there is a very big elephant. It sits there a lot just waiting to be brought up… and when it does, I always get a little bit uncomfortable. No, I do not have children. No, I do not plan to have children. Yes, there are people who make this choice for one reason or another. There are also people who choose to have children. Neither is wrong, nor are the reasons behind those decisions. They are very personal choices and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they were not arrived upon lightly.

I got married 8 years ago, and at that time my hubby and I absolutely planned to have children. I wanted to have kids and I just figured we’d have the fairy tale life with a white picket fence, 2 dogs, a cat, and 2.3 children. You know, the quintessential American family. I think that my extended family really thought that would happen and hoped for it. Let me tell you what, life doesn’t always go as planned. Things don’t always work out the way you hope they will.

Unfortunately, 4 years ago or so, I was diagnosed with Fabry’s disease. I talked a little about that in a post a while ago, but essentially, I have a genetic disease that I got from my mother’s side of the family. It is linked to the X chromosome, and if I were to have children, it would be a 50/50 chance with each child that I would pass on the disease. If I am totally honest, this disease is total garbage. It’s no one’s fault and I have accepted it, but my family has gone through some serious hell because of Fabry’s. In some people, it is a docile disease. In the case of my family, it has resulted in heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failure for some of my relatives at a young age. Not fun stuff. The idea of passing this disease on to someone else knowingly is really hard to wrap my head around and not really something I wanted to do.

Coincidentally, I also started my current job just a few months ahead of my diagnosis. My job is amazing and I absolutely love it. I love the travel and the chaos of it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have learned so much about myself since I started down this path. I also feel like I have really come into my own and accepted who I am as a person, which has resulted in my confidence being in a great place. Is it stressful? Yes. Are there challenges? Yes. Ultimately, it is worth it, completely. That said, while I don’t think it would be impossible to do this job with children, it would be hard for me, as an individual. I see lots of mothers do what I do every day, and I am enamored with them. I wish I could tell every single one of them how amazing I think they are without it coming off as a bit creepy. So, full time working moms, I think you are incredible. Keep doing what you do because it is amazing.

So, then there was a decision to not have kids. As far as I know, we can have kids without any issues. We just never got the chance to try. When both of those very monumental things landed in my lap, we decided to put off trying until we could digest all that was going on in our life as a married couple. A few months later, we had a very difficult conversation after a conversation with my genetic doctor. I will never, ever forget that conversation. We were driving home from Helena after one of my doctor’s appointments and a nice dinner, when I asked my husband if he’d be okay not having kids. I knew damn well that he would be sad about it. I recall even telling him that I wouldn’t begrudge him if he chose not to stay with me. That car ride was both amazing and difficult. He told me that while it made him sad, we would adjust and take care of each other, because that’s what you do when you love someone. Life throws us curveballs sometimes, but we must keep moving forward.

All of that said, I think I would be a great mother, but I am not a very maternal type really. Most people who know me well, know that is true. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we made this decision, because as difficult as it was, I feel so lucky to have the life I do. Because of not having children, we have committed to doing all the fun things and traveling because we have the time and the luxury of doing so on a whim. I love being the “childless friend” that can be called at 11PM on a random Tuesday to go for a drink because one of my friends needs to talk. I can run out of the house in 5 minutes when things like that come up, and I love being able to be that person. I am also fortunate to have several friends and family members who have kids that I get to be an “aunty” to. This means I get to almost always be a fun adult to some of these kids. I also get to volunteer to give my mom friends and family members a break and take their kids occasionally so they can do whatever they want for a few hours or have a much-needed date night. How lucky am I, really?

There is a downside to all of this, and it gets a little dark. I feel a lot of societal pressure because I am not a mom. I know that this is within me, and very rarely do people make me feel like I am less of a person because I don’t have children. I can’t help but feel it though, so sometimes I feel the need to throw myself into work and volunteering because I want people to know that I am fulfilling some strange obligation. When the subject of having kids comes up, I kind of freeze up and get uncomfortable. I dread the moment when someone asks, “when are you guys going to have kids?” or “why don’t you have kids?” I HATE those questions because, without going into a ridiculous amount of detail, I can’t really explain it. I generally just say we aren’t going to have them and then pray that no one questions further. It’s a challenge, but mostly a burden I put on myself.

This might be the first time I have fully addressed my “elephant in the room” publicly. It doesn’t bother me to tell all of you, because my goal in all this writing was brutal honesty. So here it is, my truth about a semi-uncomfortable topic. Please know that I am not remotely sad about this choice. I know we made the right choice as a couple on this one, and it was well thought out. We are so lucky to have a fulfilling life and so many amazing relationships and friendships to fill our time with.

On that note, I’ll sign off for now. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read. Keep on keeping on!