Category: General Life

10 Letters… Just 10.

Confidence… 10 letters that mean an awful lot. When those 10 letters get shaken, it is like the world is ending.

Let me tell you about confidence. I have a fair amount. I generally don’t find myself having an “I can’t” attitude. Lately, I’ve let the can’t, won’t, don’t, and shouldn’t hit me hard. I don’t exactly know what caused this or when it started, but it has been an unbelievably brutal few weeks. I’m tired, actually exhausted. For the first time in years, I am literally trying to claw my way out of a hole that seems so deep.

I have spent the majority of the last few weeks of my life being my own
worst nightmare. I cry way more than I should. I’m sad and anxious. I take things way more personally than I usually do. It’s not fun for me or anyone that deals with me consistently. My husband loves me but I guarantee he is struggling with me right now. My friends probably are too. On top of crying, I ACTUALLY WANT people to hug me. For those of you that know me, you’re probably laughing at this because you know how far this is from who I am. I am essentially my own worst nightmare. I am this person that needs other people to love me because I am not really loving myself.

If I’m honest, this is a phase in life that sucks. I have no other way to put it, it just sucks. I have basically hit my mid-30’s. I feel like I am in this really strange place. I want to do better for myself and advance in my life and career, but that’s not always easy. Things are so competitive at this point in life. I am not the only person in their 30’s trying to improve and competition is imminent.

I am also going through this phase where there are 2 versions of me. I am definitely a professional Monday through Friday, but part of me still wants to be young all the other times. It is a bit like I am confused. Is it possible to be both of the people I want to be? Can I rock Chuck’s and ripped jeans on the weekend and also be the girl who looks incredibly professional and put together during the week? Is that acceptable? Yeah, these are actual battles I find myself fighting on the daily.

Friends are this whole other thing. I have a ton of friends. At this point in life, some of my friends are mothers of 3 with careers and husbands. Some of my friends are 25 and single with no kids. I love them all because they bring out the best in me, but it is tough to maintain friendships when everyone I know (myself included) seems to be going through similar issues to me. I am grateful for the friends I have but I am trying to maneuver through so many changing dynamics in my own life that sometimes I find myself inadvertently disconnecting from people. If you are one of the people that has felt this, I am going to apologize to you now. How do you maintain friendships when you are not feeling whole yourself?

Marriage… yeah, that too. I thank God every single day that I have a husband who is understanding and caring and willing to deal with all of what I am going through right now. Just like the situation with friends, I sometimes find myself so caught up in what I am feeling that I disconnect from him too. I am so grateful that he listens to me and knows where I am at mentally and also knows when I need space to deal with myself.

I know this phase in my life will pass. It’s likely that a month from now, I will feel totally different, but right now I am just feeling a little lost. Please, please, please tell me I am not the only one fighting some of these battles.  I can’t possibly be the only 30-something out there that is struggling with reality…

So This is Christmas?!

Ahhh, yes, Christmas… that time of year that we are supposed to embrace the time with family, the kerfuffle of retail madness, the snow, and the people who seem entirely too happy to be real. Some people really seem to flourish during the holiday season, and I envy them in the craziest of ways. You see, I am one of those people that really tries and wants to be good at the holidays. I want to walk around shouting “Merry Christmas!” from the rooftops and singing Christmas carols, but, alas, that just isn’t who I am. I’ve officially realized that there are two types of people during the holidays, the person I’ve described being envious of and the person that I am.
The holidays make me cringe in a way I can’t explain. I just don’t get that joyous, wonderful feeling that some people get. I am a grinch. It’s official, and I know it. I don’t like Christmas music, and I really dislike the commercial nature of this time of year. However, there are things that I love about this time of year. I love to unwind, relax, and spend precious time with friends and family. I love to look around and reflect on my life. I love to take a deep breath and realize how lucky I am to have incredible friends and family around me. I thoroughly enjoy curling up in a blanket and drinking coffee or red wine and thinking about my life with a deep sense of gratitude.
As I think about my life and what I want for myself in 2018, I’ve realized there are several things I want to give to myself in the new year. I am not one for resolutions, because you know how that goes… you have a plan, and by March you’ve soon forgotten about what you thought was so important in January. These are really things that I’ve been working on continuously and just hope to really focus on going forward.
I want to laugh more. My friends know I am a silly person and I tend to make light of situations that aren’t always easy. However, I take life too seriously sometimes and I get wound up about things that I should not let bother me. Life is crazy, and it’s not always easy, but we need to laugh more instead of taking ourselves so damn seriously. At the end of the day, I know I can’t control everything, or really anything… so it’s time for me to find humor in it. I have a great smile and the world needs to see it more.
I want to be more open to letting people care about me. That sounds ridiculous, but I am that person that doesn’t want to let others care about me. I want to care about them, but as soon as anyone expresses concern for me or my well-being, a fortress as tall as the Eiffel Tower goes up around me. Instead of taking the concern of others as love, I tend to think that they are trying to tell me what to do. After some intense thought and conversation, I have made it a goal to thank people for caring about me and mean it. I have some absolutely incredible people in my life and I am so lucky that they care about me… so it’s probably time to be grateful instead of being an asshole. 😉
I am going to take better care of myself mentally and physically in 2018. This isn’t some “new year, new me” bullshit… at all. I can’t stand that crap. Do I want to get my ass in better shape? You bet! That’s definitely a part of all of this. I want to be a stronger version of myself, and I am going to be. I am going to get to the gym more, but I am also going to surround myself with good people, smile more, have more fun adventures, and stress less. I think that mental and physical health go hand in hand. I have every intention of nurturing both going forward.

I will be a better friend going forward. I feel so blessed to have the people I do in my life… I have so many great friends. I honestly look around and wonder how I got so damn lucky. Most people have 1-2 close friends… I can’t even count the number of people I call close friends on two hands. That’s a lot of people who legitimately care about me and want the best for me. I need to nurture these relationships better and really make sure these people know how much I love and appreciate what they bring to my life. I will be there for them at a whole new level. I will take care of the people who are loyal to me above all other aspects of my life.

Last, but certainly not least, I will love myself more. I will be happy with who I am and who I am becoming. I will stop wondering if I am good enough. I AM good enough… and that is all.
How’s that for some internal reflection from the last few days… yeah, I’ve been thinking… I know you’re all wondering what that’s about…
In the meantime, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours. I hope you all have time to reflect as well. Enjoy these precious moments with the people you love, because you’ll never get them back. Laugh with your friends and family like you really mean it. Surround yourself with as much love as possible. Tell your older relatives that you love them, because there’s a chance this is the last holiday season you will get with them. Take a much-needed deep breath and smile.

XOXO,
The Grinch

The Elephant in the Room

So, in the room of my life, there is a very big elephant. It sits there a lot just waiting to be brought up… and when it does, I always get a little bit uncomfortable. No, I do not have children. No, I do not plan to have children. Yes, there are people who make this choice for one reason or another. There are also people who choose to have children. Neither is wrong, nor are the reasons behind those decisions. They are very personal choices and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that they were not arrived upon lightly.

I got married 8 years ago, and at that time my hubby and I absolutely planned to have children. I wanted to have kids and I just figured we’d have the fairy tale life with a white picket fence, 2 dogs, a cat, and 2.3 children. You know, the quintessential American family. I think that my extended family really thought that would happen and hoped for it. Let me tell you what, life doesn’t always go as planned. Things don’t always work out the way you hope they will.

Unfortunately, 4 years ago or so, I was diagnosed with Fabry’s disease. I talked a little about that in a post a while ago, but essentially, I have a genetic disease that I got from my mother’s side of the family. It is linked to the X chromosome, and if I were to have children, it would be a 50/50 chance with each child that I would pass on the disease. If I am totally honest, this disease is total garbage. It’s no one’s fault and I have accepted it, but my family has gone through some serious hell because of Fabry’s. In some people, it is a docile disease. In the case of my family, it has resulted in heart attacks, strokes, and kidney failure for some of my relatives at a young age. Not fun stuff. The idea of passing this disease on to someone else knowingly is really hard to wrap my head around and not really something I wanted to do.

Coincidentally, I also started my current job just a few months ahead of my diagnosis. My job is amazing and I absolutely love it. I love the travel and the chaos of it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have learned so much about myself since I started down this path. I also feel like I have really come into my own and accepted who I am as a person, which has resulted in my confidence being in a great place. Is it stressful? Yes. Are there challenges? Yes. Ultimately, it is worth it, completely. That said, while I don’t think it would be impossible to do this job with children, it would be hard for me, as an individual. I see lots of mothers do what I do every day, and I am enamored with them. I wish I could tell every single one of them how amazing I think they are without it coming off as a bit creepy. So, full time working moms, I think you are incredible. Keep doing what you do because it is amazing.

So, then there was a decision to not have kids. As far as I know, we can have kids without any issues. We just never got the chance to try. When both of those very monumental things landed in my lap, we decided to put off trying until we could digest all that was going on in our life as a married couple. A few months later, we had a very difficult conversation after a conversation with my genetic doctor. I will never, ever forget that conversation. We were driving home from Helena after one of my doctor’s appointments and a nice dinner, when I asked my husband if he’d be okay not having kids. I knew damn well that he would be sad about it. I recall even telling him that I wouldn’t begrudge him if he chose not to stay with me. That car ride was both amazing and difficult. He told me that while it made him sad, we would adjust and take care of each other, because that’s what you do when you love someone. Life throws us curveballs sometimes, but we must keep moving forward.

All of that said, I think I would be a great mother, but I am not a very maternal type really. Most people who know me well, know that is true. In hindsight, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that we made this decision, because as difficult as it was, I feel so lucky to have the life I do. Because of not having children, we have committed to doing all the fun things and traveling because we have the time and the luxury of doing so on a whim. I love being the “childless friend” that can be called at 11PM on a random Tuesday to go for a drink because one of my friends needs to talk. I can run out of the house in 5 minutes when things like that come up, and I love being able to be that person. I am also fortunate to have several friends and family members who have kids that I get to be an “aunty” to. This means I get to almost always be a fun adult to some of these kids. I also get to volunteer to give my mom friends and family members a break and take their kids occasionally so they can do whatever they want for a few hours or have a much-needed date night. How lucky am I, really?

There is a downside to all of this, and it gets a little dark. I feel a lot of societal pressure because I am not a mom. I know that this is within me, and very rarely do people make me feel like I am less of a person because I don’t have children. I can’t help but feel it though, so sometimes I feel the need to throw myself into work and volunteering because I want people to know that I am fulfilling some strange obligation. When the subject of having kids comes up, I kind of freeze up and get uncomfortable. I dread the moment when someone asks, “when are you guys going to have kids?” or “why don’t you have kids?” I HATE those questions because, without going into a ridiculous amount of detail, I can’t really explain it. I generally just say we aren’t going to have them and then pray that no one questions further. It’s a challenge, but mostly a burden I put on myself.

This might be the first time I have fully addressed my “elephant in the room” publicly. It doesn’t bother me to tell all of you, because my goal in all this writing was brutal honesty. So here it is, my truth about a semi-uncomfortable topic. Please know that I am not remotely sad about this choice. I know we made the right choice as a couple on this one, and it was well thought out. We are so lucky to have a fulfilling life and so many amazing relationships and friendships to fill our time with.

On that note, I’ll sign off for now. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you taking the time to read. Keep on keeping on!

The Soundtrack of my Life (for now)

Anyone who knows me, knows that I absolutely love music. I spend a ton of time in the car for my job so I listen to music, podcasts, and audiobooks all the time. The most important thing I pay for every year is probably a subscription to Sirius XM.  Its borderline comical, because so many of my friends know about my love and knowledge of music that I get calls often asking, “who sings this song?” or “you know that song that goes like…”

In the essence of writing something fun and upbeat for you all this week, I decided that this edition of 5 things is going to be 5 songs…

Without further ado, here are 5 songs I can’t stop listening to right now

1.What Ifs-Kane Brown ft. Lauren Alaina

This song makes me feel all the feels and is one of the few country songs that has come out recently that has me singing my heart out in the car. This is my guilty pleasure song because it’s borderline cheesy, but I can’t stop enjoying it. Country is probably not my first pick for a music genre, but there are a few artists and songs that I enjoy, and this is one of them. Yes please judge me. 🙂

2.Every Day’s the Weekend-Alex Lahey

First, if you haven’t heard of Alex Lahey, you need to. This girl has a great voice and her music conveys so many of the things we all go through and in an appealing way. I first heard this song on AltNation on Sirius XM and I couldn’t help but do some major car dancing. It’s super peppy, but the truth is that the subject of the lyrics isn’t so peppy. Listen to the music first, then go back and listen to the lyrics. You’ll still want to dance a little, but you’ll also get that “ahh, this is about some tough love stuff” feeling. I downloaded this entire album and listened to it on one of my many drives this week and the whole damn thing is good, you guys. She’s Australian too, and that also makes me happy for some unknown reason. Give it a listen if you want to car dance and enjoy a peppy tune that is about a not so peppy subject.

3.Best Friend-Sofi Tukker ft. NERVO, The Knocks, and Alisa Ueno

This song just makes me happy… The lyrics, the music, all of it. I just want to dance and dance when I hear it. That’s a theme you’ll hear a lot in my musical selections. I love to dance, and I will break out into dance pretty much anywhere. Ask my husband, who has seen me bust into dance in the grocery store while singing into a corn cob. That totally actually happened, by the way.Anyway, this is just a happy, upbeat, dance alternative track that is new. Give it a listen and I bet you catch yourself at least tapping your foot.

4.Sit Next to Me- Foster the People

Just a nice, mid-tempo groove. I put this one on my workout playlist for a cool down track because it isn’t super slow, but it isn’t fast either.  Foster the People is a band I’ve always liked.  To me, every song they’ve released has had a different sound and feel.  The first album they released was played on repeat in my car for an entire summer several years ago.  This newest album isn’t quite the same for me, in that I can’t listen to the whole thing without skipping songs.  However, this song and Doing it for the Money are both great songs that came off the album and both are worthy of a listen if you haven’t heard them already.

5.What Lovers Do-Maroon 5 ft. SZA

I can hear this song in my head right now and I almost can’t help but move my head a little. This song is on my workout playlist, but as a good hype song. It’s one of those songs that just gets me going. I love this kind of songs for exercise and for hype songs. In my job, I often listen to a hype song in the car before I go in to make a sales call because it puts a happy, confident bit of pep in my step and sometimes we just need that. I have mostly been listening to alternative music lately, but this is one of a few super poppy songs that I can’t help but love to hear.

Obviously, we all have different taste in our musical selections… I would love to hear from some of you what you’re listening to so I can add to my playlists. I really do enjoy pretty much any and every type of music, and I promise not to judge you too hard, even if you’re still listening to the Jonas Brothers.

5 Things You Should Know…

As an initial post, I decided it might be worthwhile to fill people in on some of the important things about me and my life. Many of you are friends, and I’d guess you know at least some of these things, but maybe not all of them.  I am generally a very open book so most of the people that know me really know me.  Part of my goal in publishing a blog is brutal honesty, because it’s not really an outlet if it’s not truthful… So here goes nothing.

1. I didn’t grow up in the easiest situation. I appreciate that there is almost no “traditional” family anymore, so this nothing that I expect people to feel sorry for me about. There were several things that were a part of my upbringing that have shaped who I am and that is why I even bring this up. My parents got divorced when I was in 6th grade and their marriage wasn’t pretty for several years prior to that. For a long time, I thought that marriage was an awful institution because of the things I had seen and heard up to that point.

There were also issues with addiction in my family and because of that, I feel like I’m constantly doing things to keep myself in check. If there is one thing that can destroy relationships and cause a lot of hurt, its addiction. Thankfully, some of those problems have been resolved, but it certainly has not been easy.

I also had certain family members that caused major family rifts over the years. At some point I will write more about what it’s like to love a narcissist, but for now let’s just say it’s a challenge at best and I’ve eliminated or severely restricted family relationships because of it.

 2.  I am independent, often to a fault. I am sure that it makes my husband crazy. I am someone who absolutely loves being married but also needs probably more personal space than the average. Thankfully, my job helps with my need for alone time. I travel… A LOT… in my job. I often spend 2-3 nights a week on the road and that ensures that I get my fill of time to myself.

I am almost certain that my relationship with my husband is better because of my time away. That whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” bit. In our situation, quality is certainly priority over quantity regarding our time together. We make it a priority to do lots of fun things together and really enjoy each other’s company. The best part? There isn’t a ton to fight about when you aren’t home much…

3. I have a rare disease. I don’t talk about it a lot because I worry it will impact how people treat me. It is called Fabry’s disease and it is a genetic thing that has been passed down in my family for years, unbeknownst to all of us. I was diagnosed in October of 2013 and I have been dealing with it since.

You can google the name, but I will give you an extraordinarily high level overview. Basically, all humans have enzymes in their body that break down waste materials so that they can be disposed of by the body. Enzymes come from different strands of our DNA. I essentially have a broken DNA strand and therefore do not produce enough of one enzyme. This means that I have metabolic waste that can possibly accumulate in my major organs like my heart, kidneys, brain, liver, etc. This can cause damage to the organs.

At this time, I have deferred treatment, but I work with my doctor to ensure that nothing major is happening in my body that warrants jumping into a treatment called enzyme replacement therapy. At some point I will probably have to seek out treatment, but for the time being, I really try to just live a healthy life.

In all of this, the most important thing for you to know is that the person typing this is 1 in possibly 100,000. I am pretty damn special… just ask me, I will tell you!

4. I really work hard to take care of myself. I love working out, and mostly eat healthy. I like to lift weights… HEAVY weights. I absolutely dread the idea of running, but I do it, sometimes… mostly in short bursts when someone or something is chasing me.

I used to be very unhealthy and I have made it a priority to take care of myself. That said, I still binge eat chocolate on occasion and drink entirely too much wine. I also love ice cream and cheesecake WAYYYYY more than I should. AND… *gasp*… I cannot stand kale. That crap has absolutely no place in life, except in the trash. I guess you could say I really do try to be healthy but I am also realistic.

Will I occasionally write about fitness and diet? Sure! Do I recognize that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea? Of course! There is also a solid chance that you will occasionally see a post about my overindulgence in some crazy dessert or that time I went on a totally sushi binge (and not the healthy stuff either).

5. I am very lucky to be surrounded by incredible friends and family. I absolutely cannot wait to share them with all of you. My people are my world and I would do anything for them. I am not someone who can say they have one best friend. I have too many to count and they all mean so much to me for different reasons. To call one person a “best friend” seems impossible because of that.

My family will always be number 1 for me. I am so blessed to have the family I do. We have our issues, but they are fun and loving and always have my best intentions at heart. My family likes to play practical jokes and tease each other. Sarcasm is our second language. We show love by making fun of each other, but we also fiercely support one another and I always feel like they have my back.

I am married to the most amazing man. Mostly because he puts up with me, and, let’s be real, he deserves an award for that. He supports my career and all my choices, even when they cause major changes to our lives. For that I am eternally grateful. He’s the most incredible human and I feel so lucky to be married to him.

 I am sure that I will elaborate on certain things about myself that you see here over time, but this is my icebreaker. I would not say that to know me is to love me, but give me a chance and you might just find a place in your heart for me. I am so excited to be embarking on a much-needed adventure in self-expression.

Sometimes You Just Need an Outlet

Writing has always been an outlet for me.  I did well in college because I absolutely enjoyed doing research and expressing myself through words.  I’ve thought about blogging as an outlet before, but until talking with one of my relatives today and hearing about her husband using a blog as a form of expression, I didn’t seriously foster the idea.  I thought about it for a couple hours today and here I am, spilling my guts to a keyboard.

Rather than make this a specific themed blog, it will just be all the things I enjoy…

I like to think I’m a fairly well rounded individual, so the list of what I enjoy might be long.  I can see myself writing about anything from my travel experiences to the products I use to day to day life and back again.  Mostly I want this to be a way to express myself, but I also want to share with all of you and I hope you find some value or humor in the things I have to say.

Anyway, it is almost midnight and I’m still dealing with cooking the most ridiculously huge pot of spaghetti sauce before bed, so I am going to get back to that and I’ll be back soon to start pouring my heart out to the internet.