Category: General Life

New Year, New Me.

Alright, its been awhile. I know.

I want to write about something tonight, but be forewarned that fitness will be a piece of this post. In particular, CrossFit is at the heart of it. I am about the be “that” person. You know what they say about CrossFit, right? Its like reverse Fight Club in that the first rule is that you never shut the hell up about it.

That said, stick with me. I am not going to write about specific WODs or lifting or burpees. Promise. I have been on this journey for nearly 18 months and I have started really thinking about the areas of my life that have been positively impacted by my fitness. There are the obvious things, like losing weight and my overall health, but what I want to talk about today are some other areas of my life that have been positively impacted.

1. My marriage. I write about this as the first thing because it might be the most important one. In June, we celebrated our 10th anniversary. This is a big accomplishment for a number of reasons, but mostly because marriage is simultaneously the hardest and best thing I have ever done. Anyone who is married knows that its not easy. Taking your life and crashing it into someone else’s and trying to make that a cohesive unit is a challenge, no matter how much you love someone. There are amazing days and there are challenging days and in between its just normal days. My mindset about my marriage is so strong right now and I think that comes from an underlying mentality of not quitting. Just like a challenging workout, when it gets really difficult, you keep going. You don’t quit. I look at my marriage with a “keep going, no matter what” mindset.
2. My confidence level in my career (and basically everywhere). Many of you know that I got promoted at work earlier this year. It took a lot for me to get through that process. It also wasn’t the first promotion position I had applied for with my company. It was the first one I was ready for mentally. For the first time ever, I walked into a job interview feeling like I was ready to do well under pressure. You see, for the last nearly 18 months, I have spent time nearly everyday doing things out of my comfort zone in the gym. I have done some things that I never thought possible, but mostly I have learned to be comfortable outside my comfort zone. Think about all the ways that can transfer into life and career. Think of all the things you would do if you weren’t afraid of being uncomfortable.
3. My willingness to be adventurous. This kind of falls into the comfort zone thing. I have a newfound respect for the sense of accomplishment that comes with being able to say “I did that!” Whenever I see a long hero WOD posted, I cringe, but then I want to do it simply so I can feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. Guess who willingly jumped into the Pacific Ocean with sharks on vacation? I did. Was I scared? HELL YES! I also had the moment of realizing that I didn’t want to leave that trip without saying that I did it. I am terrified of heights but I am really working to force myself to do things that help me face that fear. You miss out on a lot of fun adventures if you don’t deal with what scares you.
4. My body image and relationship with food. You guys, being a female means I still have days where I look in the mirror and absolutely pick myself apart. I still have days where I get caught up in the scale no matter how hard I try not to let my weight determine my happiness. I wrote a pretty good blog a year ago about one of those days. What I can tell you is that those days are a lot less frequent than they used to be. I have finally started being proud of my body for what it is capable of instead of how it looks. There is so much freedom in that. For the first time in my life, I view food with a healthy mindset. I know it is important to appropriately fuel my body, but I also know that doesn’t mean depriving myself of everything I love. I eat carbs, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don’t crash diet, and I don’t beat myself up for every bite of food I eat. I can tell when I haven’t eaten enough and I know that it is important not to under eat and put my body into starvation mode. Also, I now understand that sometimes you have a bad eating day, but it doesn’t have to derail you. You can get back on track and put that behind you. It is possible to like your body and enjoy food without stress. Its not easy, but it is possible.

My life has been bettered on so many levels by changing my mindset. I know that CrossFit didn’t do the work to make me better, I did the work, but I am so grateful for the coaches and gym family who have helped me discover myself. I am so grateful to be more happy, healthy, humble, and positive.

Taking on Water

One year ago, my body tried to tell me to slow the hell down. One year ago, I might’ve been the worst listener on the planet.

Here’s the thing about our bodies… THEY KNOW. They try to tell us when we are going too hard, doing too much, and stressing too hard. Have you ever been in a life situation where you were proverbially taking on water and you knew it, but instead of fixing the problem, you just kept going until your ship sank? That is what I did last April. Bear with me, this is going to be a long post…

It started out simple enough. I woke up on a Sunday morning feeling crappy, lethargic, and exhausted. I ran a few errands and quickly realized I needed to lay down. I spent half a day in bed and decided to randomly check my temperature because of how I was feeling. 102… so I took some ibuprofen and went back to bed. The first of several critical mistakes came the following morning. I had a crazy busy six-day work week full of travel and chaos. Trips to Wyoming, Eastern Montana, and a medical conference requiring me to be out of town even on a Saturday. These weeks are not entirely uncommon in my work life, but this was a particularly busy week. I woke up on Monday still running a fever, and instead of resting like I should have, I packed up my car and grabbed some ibuprofen and took off for Gillette, Wyoming. I think back to this moment now and say to myself “what the hell, Kristin?”

I guess I assumed that the fever would resolve, and I’d be fine. That first night was when I noticed that I was getting these red blotches on my legs, but I assumed it was a side effect of the fever. My appetite was shot but again, just the fever, right? It’ll be better tomorrow, right? It wasn’t better tomorrow, or the next day, and the red blotches just kept multiplying until I had a solid rash covering my arms and legs. Wednesday night and Thursday were where the situation got ugly. I was alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol every 2 hours. Setting alarms all night because if I missed a dose, the fever would sky rocket to 102/103 so fast. I worked all day Wednesday and was supposed to get on a little tiny plane to Sidney, MT on Thursday. Wednesday night, I started vomiting… like a lot. I had barely eaten since Sunday. At 4AM on Thursday morning, I ended up canceling my trip and calling in sick. I was in a hotel room in Billings, MT but I was such a mess that I just had to rest. Friday, I still got up and went to work despite not really feeling much better. I was working a conference where there were two-hour time slots between times when we needed to be at the conference center and I was going to my car to sleep between every session. At this point, I even had rash on my chin and face that I covered with makeup. I had to go out and buy a long sleeve shirt to wear that day, so I could cover how bad this had gotten. When I finished working that day, I went back to my hotel room and laid on the bed and cried. Then I started throwing up again and laying there on the floor of my hotel room in between. At about 6:30 that night, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and went to the doctor.

Shit got real quickly. The walk-in doctor gave me some Tylenol because my fever was back up and immediately sent me to the ER. Keep in mind, this is all happening in Billings, MT which is 3.5 hours from home. In the ER they hooked me up to IV’s and started running every lab test known to man. The ER doctors were very bothered by the fever with a rash and somewhere around 10pm, they told me I wasn’t leaving. I called my husband and told him to get ready to come down, but in the morning when it was light and safe to drive. Thankfully, my brother and his wife as well as some great friends live in Billings. They came to the rescue and hung with me because I was terrified about an impending hospital admission.

At the end of this, I spent 3 nights in a hospital bed on a lot of drugs. I had given myself aspiration pneumonia on top of the weird unknown virus that I had. I was severely dehydrated; my kidneys were in an acute state of distress called AKI (acute kidney injury) from dehydration and all the ibuprofen I had been taking. Additionally, my liver was really pissed off from Tylenol. They never did figure out what the virus was, but they made me stay till the fever had mostly resolved and the rash had started to look better. It was awful, and I have so many regrets about my epic failure to listen to my body. When all this happened, I did not put a ton of info out there. Lots of people knew what had happened but I didn’t go very public because I was exhausted and a little embarrassed by how dumb I was.

Now, looking back, this was an important moment in my life. Not only did I learn a valuable lesson about taking care of myself and listening to my body, but I also ended up making an epic comeback. The last year has been full of growth. I am talking about the kind of personal growth that only comes from facing something tough.

I had literally started doing CrossFit about two months before this happened. I was making some gains. Let me tell you what… if you want to see rapid strength loss, a hospital bed is the place to be. In a week, essentially, I lost 20 lbs. After I got out of the hospital, I was told to take at least another week off from work and working out. I was so exhausted even though I was on the mend, so I absolutely needed that time. Going back to the gym was so terrible. The first day, I remember we were doing back squats and that was when I realized how weak I was. I had to bail on a squat and I walked to a wall and kicked it because I was so angry. The second day, I cried through a bunch of thrusters. The pneumonia made everything cardio feel like actual death. That damn pneumonia took almost 8 weeks to recover from fully. On top of that, my white blood cell count was elevated for 8-12 weeks after I was “better.” It took so much mental tenacity to keep showing up and keep working out. I can tell you right now that if I hadn’t been surrounded by coaches who totally committed to helping me get through this and a support network of workout buddies who cheered me on and pushed me to show up even when I was crying, I’d have quit.

Those of you who know me, know that I have rebounded fully and then some. I am stronger and faster physically than I ever was a year later. On top of that, I learned so much about my ability to fight through tough stuff. I learned how strong I am as a person. I also learned to let go of “I can’t” or “I’m afraid” and set some serious goals and work my ass off to achieve them. I learned to be open about struggles, because we all have them. I learned to take leaps out of my comfort zone. I learned that a little confidence in yourself goes a long damn way. I learned that I only have one body and I need to listen when it needs something. I learned that I have a fierce and supportive group of friends who have my back and will take care of me when I need it most. Embarrassed as I was that I essentially did this to myself, I am so grateful I went through this. It drove me and taught me a lot about who I am.

In all of this, there are a couple big takeaways. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY, PEOPLE! Rest when you need it! Don’t continue taking on water until you sink. Ask for help. Do whatever you need to so you can ensure you have time for self-care, no matter what that means. Secondly, don’t ever let a bad situation of a little adversity take you out of the game entirely. Use it as fuel for your fire. Keep pushing, strive for more, and I promise you’ll be better for it.

For those of you that read this far, thank you for sticking with me… I know it was a long one, but I hope it was worth the read.

Grateful…

This morning I am sitting here in a particularly quiet house drinking coffee and thinking about how fortunate I am. Thanksgiving is one of my very favorite holidays because it is truly about spending time with family and enjoying a meal of foods that we don’t eat often. There are no gifts, no big productions (at least not with my family) and we get to just sit around a table and visit. I get the opportunity to get some cuddles from my nephews, and I can just relax and decompress for a whole day.

 

I was trying to think of what to write about this week and it occurred to me this morning that I have so much to be grateful for in this life. Instead of being too deep or introspective, this post is truly about all the things I am thankful for in this life.

 

First things first, I have an incredible husband who loves and supports everything I do… even when it is crazy. He is an amazing human being and I get to call him mine. We have gone through some tough times, and, let’s face it, who hasn’t? That said, we manage our tough times. We survive them, and we try to come out the other side having learned something and being better. I am so lucky for all that he brings to my life and I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

 

My family is my rock, and I am forever grateful for a support system and many friendships I was born into and married into. We are all very different people, yet we take care of each other. I often find myself looking around and feeling my heart swell at family functions. As this generation of my family is fighting through the growing pains of becoming adults with spouses, kids, mortgages, etc. I am so thankful to be the oldest cousin on both sides and to be able to occasionally give some advice because it means I get to hear from all of them regularly.

 

I have a tribe. They are hands down some of the best people I have ever encountered. I don’t know how I have stumbled into having the friends I do but I thank my lucky stars every day for them. I have the kind of friends that are family. We are there for each other, we cry together, we laugh together, and we celebrate each other every single day.

 

In 2018, I was also lucky enough to stumble into a gym family that amazes me with their support every day. I cannot believe the changes I have made this year and it is due in part to the people around me who have helped keep me accountable, cheered me on, and listened on my bad days. I can honestly say that I feel like I am at home at RPP. That’s how comfortable I am there, and I don’t think everyone has that luxury at the gym.

 

The truth is, these are just a few things that I count as blessings in my life. I could probably go on for days, but as I was thinking this morning I realized that it truly is the people in my life that are the difference makers. I hope each of you reading takes the time to express gratitude to your loved ones as we enter this holiday season. Be grateful, be kind, enjoy times with your people, and have fun.

Examining what I tolerate… of myself.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, it seems. For some reason, as the year ends, I find myself thinking about a lot of things and reading more and just generally trying to figure out if I am where I want to be in life. 2018 has been an evolution of sorts for me. I started the year out in sort of a rut where my confidence was shaky, and I was trying to figure out what makes Kristin happy. Kind of a “something is missing” situation. I spent most of this year working to figure out the missing pieces and figuring out how to situate my life so that I could fill those holes. I am proud to say that 2018 is ending a lot differently than it started for me. My reflecting right now has more to do with what needs to be eliminated from my life. What are the barriers to feeling happy right now? Are there things that I do or that I allow that maybe set me back in life. So, I started listing things off in my head initially and then in a list and today I discovered that I need to share some things both for accountability and for personal clarity. Being honest with yourself isn’t easy it seems. I suppose the best approach to this blog is a list, and as you all know by now that is often my style. Here are some things I am done with going forward.

1. Comparing myself to anyone other than myself. I constantly find myself looking at what others are doing in all facets of life and scrutinizing if I am good enough. My life progress isn’t wrapped up in what others are doing but rather in my own improvement. Am I perfect? No. Will I ever be? No. Am I doing better than I was a year ago? Definitely.

 
2. Giving more to people than they will ever give to me. I seem to have an affinity towards people who sort of suck the life out of me. My nature is to be a giver, so I gravitate towards doing things for others ahead of myself often. This has nothing to do with anything money wise, but rather with giving my heart and emotions to people. Giving yourself to others is not a bad thing, at all. However, the last year of my life has taught me that I need to stop giving so much of myself to people who will never return those favors.

 
3. Seeking the approval of others. This is one I have put so much thought into as of lately. Generally, I am a very confident person and I don’t seek out much validation from others. That said, I still catch myself seeking approval from people at times. I really hope to be more unapologetically me in the coming months.

 
4. Being overly emotional about people and things that I cannot control. I really do try to only allow myself to stress on the things that I am able to control. That said, I tend to let myself go into a tailspin at times over the things other people say and do. I cannot control what is happening or what other people say to me, but I can control my reaction (or over reaction) to it. Again, this goes back to giving too much of my emotions to things.

 
5. Explaining to people that I barely know why I don’t have kids. Yeah, this one is a lot more specific than some of the others. Here’s the thing… my uterus is sort of my deal, friends. If you know me and care about me and want to ask questions, I am more than willing to have a conversation with you about this. I know I have written about some of my reasons for not having children in the past and I am totally willing to be forthcoming about it. That said, I am so over answering the question “why don’t you have kids?” in its variety of forms to people who don’t know me. The truth is that people have their reasons why they do certain things. Having children is a very personal choice and whether the answer is “because we don’t want them” or “because we are unable to have them,” it’s not any stranger’s business to question the choice. I don’t walk around asking people why they chose to have children, because that seems rude… so I also tend to think its rude to question the choice not to have them.

 
6. Sacrificing my health for anything. Some of you probably know that in December of last year and then again in April of this year, I battled some intense and strange viruses. I don’t know if they were the same thing or totally different, but both times I ended up missing a week of work and in the second illness, I got to spend three nights in the hospital in Billings. I can honestly say that I can’t remember being sicker in my life. The worst part of it all? I legitimately worked up until the day I ended up in the hospital. I drove all over Montana and Wyoming with a 102-103 fever. Not only was it the sickest I can remember being, but in hindsight, it was also the dumbest I can remember being. What kind of idiot decides that work is so important that they would perpetuate an illness to the point of landing in a hospital bed? Yeah, that’s me. Never again.

 
7. Continuing friendships with toxic people. Plain and simple, bring something positive to my life or go away. I am a damn good friend to people and all I ask is that the people I surround myself with bring something good to the table.

 
8. Not fully committing myself to myself. Yeah, you read that right. I will love myself first and most going forward. I have found that my relationships with others seem to improve when I take care of me. I will stop making excuses and just commit myself to improving.

 
So, there is my accountability to myself. I hope that if nothing else, thinking about what I wrote makes people examine what they tolerate. We all deserve to be happy. Figure out what you need to do and go in that direction. If you aren’t your best, you’re no good to anyone else either.

Just Let Me Overthink About It…

If second guessing myself were an Olympic sport, I think I would have a collection of gold medals larger than the one Michael Phelps boasts. I am not remotely kidding. I used to joke that anything worth considering was worth overthinking in my world. This quality of mine has made so many things harder than they have to be and has caused me to have a ridiculous number of emotional meltdowns over the years.

You want to hear something funny? I have been fortunate to have a successful healthcare career that has progressed from working as a clinic receptionist into my current sales role. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I progressed in my career or got promoted, I was 100% sure I was going to fail and that I wasn’t smart or capable enough to do the job. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I was promoted or moved up in roles, I legitimately thought I wasn’t going to get the job. I will never forget the day I got the call offering me my current job. I had been waiting a few weeks to hear something official post interview. I had driven to meet my husband for lunch that day and had decided there was no way that I was going to get this job that I wanted so badly. I was sitting at lunch with him scowling at a bowl of tomato soup and being pissed off about something that wasn’t even confirmed. As we were finishing up our meal, my phone rang with a number from Denver… I went outside to take the call and at the end of it, I had a new job. Clearly my ESP is broken.

This translates over into my gym life too. It is not uncommon for a coach to look at me and remind me of what I can do. Not only do my coaches have to remind me, but my gym friends also push me through my constant second guessing myself. The reminders to try the Rx weight or to add weight are continuous. Thankfully I have a great support network that reminds me what I am capable of and that faces some of the same mindsets as I do at times.

The reason that this is even coming up is because it occurred to me yesterday, as I was second guessing myself through some work stuff that I have going on, that I really need to knock this crap off. At a minimum I need to take some steps to do it less. It comes from this insecure place that is very deep inside of me. I think that place might always be there, but I need to quiet it down. As per usual, my mind functions in lists, so here are some things I am going to try to do to stop the insecure second guessing.

1. I will never say I can’t do something without at least trying it at the gym. If a coach tells me I can do more, I will try it before I get all sassy and pout about it. 97% of the time they know my ability better than I do. The rare exception comes when I am super sore or something like my nutrition is amiss and they aren’t aware of it.

 
2. I will stop being so negative in my head. This applies to so many things in my life. Second guessing myself is essentially another form of negative self-talk. I pride myself on trying to not bash on myself about how I look or my body. This needs to be applicable to my ability to do things and how capable I am at my job.

 
3. I will start taking compliments better. Other people don’t endorse me or say nice things about me because they are just messing around and want to see me fail. Honestly, I literally will tell people they are wrong when they pay me a compliment. For example, one time a girl in a coffee drive through told me that I had amazing eyes… my response? “No, I don’t.” That is some ridiculousness right there. This is also applicable to the times when I have had a boss or colleague sing my praises. I often don’t think I am doing anything special and I need to get better at recognizing that it’s an insult to me and to the person singing my praises when I act like the compliments are crap.

 
4. When that doubtful voice starts getting loud, I will take some time to really think about what I am second guessing. Even if that means writing down the reasons why I should be confident in myself with whatever I am doing. Mostly because this will help me to refocus and not get caught up in a spiral of self-deprecation.

 
In a nutshell, it’s basically time to start embracing my inner badass and owning what she can accomplish as much as I own her failures. Baby steps…

I Had a Crazy Moment… And I’m Entitled to That…Occasionally.

Ever had a completely irrational moment? Like one so epically bad that you don’t even know who you were in that moment? Let me tell you how I ruined a good portion of my Sunday…

As so many of you know I have been on a journey with fitness and general transformation. Obviously, journeys like this have a ton of rewards, but they don’t go without their struggles. I had a test done that measures body composition on Sunday morning. So, in a nutshell, things like body fat percentage, muscle mass, weight, etc. When the results came out, I was in shock… and not in a good way. My body fat was substantially elevated, and I had lost multiple pounds of muscle in a 7-week period. Mind you, I have been working my ass off. Did I make the best eating choices this summer? No. Did I let my nutrition get completely out of control? No. Did I enjoy my summer with some splurges and maybe more beer than I would usually drink? YES! Do I regret the times spent with friends enjoying meals and drinks? Not in a million years. Instead of thinking logically and rationally that maybe the test was off because the fluctuations were just too out of control, what did I do? I immediately repeated that stupid test. Five minutes later, I was up another half percent in body fat and had managed to lose another half-pound of muscle.

At this point, the rational response might’ve been to be skeptical about the results knowing what my pictures show and what I have been doing. Did I choose the rational path? Hell no. What path did I choose, you ask? The epic meltdown, totally crazy path. Driving away from the test, I made it about 6 blocks before the tears started. And we are talking full waterworks, you guys… this was not one tiny tear, this was full on bawling.

Thankfully, one of my good friends had gone with me and was somewhat aware that I was unhappy with the results. As she told me today, it wasn’t until she texted me that she became aware that I was in a “remove all the sharp objects from the house” type of moment. She texted me not to worry about the results because they didn’t make sense and were clearly wrong. My response? Calling myself a “fat mess” and basically saying that I should quit doing all the things I have been doing. Mind you, while I am responding to this text calling myself fat, I am also sitting on my couch hysterically crying. This is not a proud moment for me to share with you, but it needs to be shared. Unbeknownst to me, some other friends had also been summoned to try to help, but to no avail. I just sat there crying, angrily responding to texts, and saying horrible things to my friends about myself. THANK GOD my husband was not home while this was going on. I can only imagine how ugly I could’ve been to him in this moment.

After all of this I decided I’d go ahead and retest in the morning as we had a few drinks on Saturday ahead of these goofy tests I did Sunday. I would hydrate well and see what happened. I also decided somewhere in my crazy state that starvation would fix everything. Yeah, I didn’t say this was my most brilliant moment. I’ve heard that being hungry really makes a person less crazy and upset… insert huge eyeroll here. I did end up eating dinner with some friends and did not go full starvation mode, but I also thought about every bite I took that day.

This is where this story gets comical. I hydrated like crazy and truly woke up Monday weighing a few pounds less. True water weight loss. I went on my way to repeat the test that had already ruined one day of my life. The repeat test was even worse. Somehow, I had gone to sleep and gained another half percent of body fat and lost 2 pounds of muscle. So basically, in a 24-hour time period, I managed to lose about 3-4 pounds of muscle. It was in this moment that it occurred to me that one of two things had happened. The test was either off because of things going on in my body or the test was just not correct. I chose to roll my eyes, fantasize about kicking the machine, and go about my day.

I am not a person to believe that tests are incorrect just because they aren’t going the way I want them to, but this time I have logical reasons to believe that it is incorrect. I have pictures that show my progress. I have visible abs for the first time in my life. I am lifting heavier weights than ever before. It truly does not make sense that I have lost muscle this rapidly. Also, the fact that the results were so different each time makes me believe there were issues.

So that’s a crap ton of back story, but it’s important for several reasons. I have spent most of yesterday and today reflecting on this whole mess. There are so many lessons here, so stick with me for a bit more reading.

1.  I am better than numbers on a piece of paper. I know my story and I know that I have worked my ass off to be stronger and faster. I know that while I’m not 100% where I want to be, I am probably still the strongest and the fastest I have ever been in my life. I let a fancy scale make me forget all of that and reduce me to a crying mess. Screw that scale. How dare I let something like a number diminish my confidence and make me feel bad about a journey I have poured my everything into?

2.  I called myself fat. If you ask my friends, I am the first person to lay into them when they talk to themselves like this. I hate negative self-talk and I threaten to slap people for it. So, why in the hell was I calling myself fat? I am not dumb, but this was a truly dumb moment. I am in the best shape of my adult life and I work so hard to be strong… not skinny or fat, but strong and healthy.

3.  I let this whole mess ruin my Sunday. Instead of enjoying my rest day from the gym and relaxing with family and friends, I spent half of my day alone and crying on my couch. I let that fancy scale control my mood and make me sad. That is time that I will never get back. Time that I spent with horrible things rolling through my head. I’m not proud of that, but I got something positive out of it, reflection and growth.

4.  I repeated a test multiple times that made me feel bad about myself and it got worse every single time. I don’t know if the test is accurate or not, but what I do know is that I won’t be doing one again for a while, if ever. Why? Simply enough, I know I am making progress and I know my body is changing and there are a million other ways to see that. I don’t need to be reduced to a number at this point.

5.  I told myself and my close friends that I might quit doing CrossFit because it “is clearly not working.” WHAT THE HELL?!?!? This is the moment I reflect on and think I was so irrational. If you know me at all, you know that CrossFit has changed me in so many ways. I am better physically, but also mentally. I look at my body different than I ever have (well, except on Sunday when I apparently had a psychotic break…). I have met some lifelong friends and strengthened my existing friendships. I have incredible coaches who support me and want me to do better. Who in their right mind walks away from that?

In all of this, there is a silver lining. As women especially, our brains function emotionally. I had a crazy moment and I am entitled to them…occasionally. However, I think the end goal is to learn from those moments, no matter what causes them. Also, for the sake of all that is holy, stop being mean to yourself. Think about the things you are saying to yourself… if your friend called you a fat mess, would you keep that person in your life? Then don’t say those things about yourself. I know it can be hard and we live in a society that has a certain expectation. If you are doing the best you can do in this life, then give yourself some credit. Don’t let a scale own you, ever… if you are working on being physically fit, there is so much more to look at. Do you feel better? Faster? Stronger? If you can say yes to any of those things, you are doing well for yourself.
If nothing else, I hope my insecure, irrational moment can be a reminder that we all go through these things. You aren’t alone, but please don’t let these moments control your happiness. You are better than that. I am better than that. We are all better than that.

I Was Always Doing This For Me…

Body image as a female is a super fun thing. I can promise you that even the most in shape women you see are picking themselves apart. Something is too big, too thin, looks funny, etc. We all do it and we all have days where we are overcome with not feeling good about how we look. Bad hair days and fat days are very much real things in the world of being a female, and its rough.

I feel so fortunate when I look back on the last several months of my life. I am learning to appreciate my body and what it can do. I can look in the mirror and see at least some things that I love about myself. I don’t see perfection, and I probably never will, but I don’t hate how I look. Most of you know that I love to lift weights and do crossfit. I am so grateful for these things and what they bring to my life for several reasons.

First, I am currently surrounded by an incredible fitness minded community. I have a whole tribe of people with similar goals to mine who listen to me when I’m upset that I feel bloated and gross, but who also cheer me on when I PR a big lift. They tell me when to pull my head out of my ass and stop beating myself up and force me to appreciate what my body can do. They sit by my side when I literally cry through a workout because I just came back from the worst illness of my adult life and I am slow and weak and struggling. They remind me that even though I still hate burpees, I might have gotten a little faster at them. They push me to level up. How lucky am I to have such an incredible group of people in my life?

My confidence is in a place lately that I never knew was possible. I feel strong and capable, both mentally and physically. There are a whole lot less “I can’ts” and a lot more thinking about how I can do things. This has bled into a better mentality at work and home. It has also helped me to stand up for myself in situations where I might not have in the past. My whole attitude is better and I feel happy. I feel like I finally found the thing that filled an empty spot in my life.

My body image has changed so much. I rarely weigh myself, but I know that my body composition has changed to less body fat and more muscle. I don’t even care about weighing myself… I can’t remember the last time I had a healthy mentality about the scale. Maybe never until now. Not stressing on the scale and just trying to gain strength has been like freedom for me. I am too busy worrying about how to make my body stronger to worry about if I gained a pound this month. I have managed to lose inches off my body without really losing weight and that is a much bigger victory for me, personally.

I know that people have their opinions on crossfit and women who lift. I have heard comments about “not getting too muscular” or “looking masculine” on multiple occasions. That’s cool, everyone has the right to their own thoughts. The cool thing is that my very feminine body can put up some serious numbers lifting. I don’t feel like I look masculine. I look like a strong and capable woman. I look like someone who is maximizing what their body can do. I feel very comfortable in my skin. The opinions of others don’t change how I feel about myself. I was never doing this for anyone else, anyway… I was always doing it for me. Always.

The Sweet Spot

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence and what makes me feel best about myself. I’ve been in a pretty good place mentally for a while now and I keep asking myself what was so different from a few months ago. I think that, especially for women, we all have things that make us feel good in our own skin. Obviously, these things are different for all of us and it is always interesting to hear what they are.

If I have learned anything the last few months, it is that my confident, happy place is my post workout self. Yeah, I said that. You know when you’ve just finished a workout and you are all sweaty and just starting to cool down? Yeah, that is the place where I feel most happy and confident. Maybe it comes from all the endorphins or maybe I am crazy. Probably both, really.

Anyone who knows me knows that working out and strength training are just a part of who I am. I found my fitness sweet spot when I found heavy lifting. Not only am I good at it, but it makes me happy. If you could see my reactions to new PR’s on bench presses or squats, you would know that I am like a little kid when I achieve these milestones. I love when I am sore from working out because it means that tested my body and pushed it to be better that week. I know that sounds weird, but anyone else who lifts will agree with me. We push through the soreness and keep working because we enjoy testing our body’s limits. It’s just ingrained into people who are into strength training.

When I am taking care of my body like I should and getting my workouts in, it’s almost like my mind takes care of itself. I am a person who stresses and has a bit of anxiety at times, but puts on an amazing face to the world. Most days that I am stressed, only the people who I allow to see me struggle even know. Because of that, my stress tends to creep up in different ways… for example, I grind my teeth in my sleep badly and my immune system seems to fail me more than it should. That said, working out makes me so much better mentally. If I am in a bad mood or having a bad day, you can almost guarantee that I missed my workout that day. When I don’t do an early morning workout, I feel more edgy and stupid things make me angry.

Another thing I notice is how taking care of myself seems to carry over into so many other aspects of my life. I do better at work because I handle stress better. I also feel so much more confident which translates into success in selling, almost always. My husband, friends, and family all notice that I am happier and generally more fun to be around. I just feel lighter as a person, and that’s amazing.

It wasn’t really until yesterday that the truth about my confident place really occurred to me. I was in a foul mood yesterday… just irritated with everyone and everything for no good reason. I couldn’t get my morning workout in due to work obligations, which is just a reality of life sometimes. I knew I needed to get to the gym in the afternoon when I could. I kid you not, as soon as I walked in the door to the gym, my attitude changed. Before we even really started, there were jokes being cracked and I was doing stupid dances and smiling. It was a tough workout, and when we were done, I was sweating like crazy and feeling physically spent. As I struggled to put my weights and equipment away due to fatigue, it occurred to me that while I was physically taxed, mentally my cup was so full. The stress of the day didn’t matter in that moment. I felt happy and confident and like I had just kicked ass at doing something that was incredibly challenging.

I am also incredibly lucky to have an incredible support system to work out with. I have met an awesome group of humans who have literally watched me have meltdowns and taken care of me through them. They know that not every day is going to be a victory and they remind me of how hard I work every time things don’t go as planned. These people watched me come back to the gym after a major illness and struggle my ass off. There were tantrums and tears and they not only stood by my side, they brought me back from the brink. There is nothing more comforting than knowing that when things aren’t going your way, you have a whole group of people you can call who will bring you back to earth. These people challenge me to be my best, lift me up, and are just amazing friends.

At the end of the day, this post is very much about my fitness journey, but there is another take away. FIND THE THING THAT LIGHTS YOU UP INSIDE AND MAKES YOU FEEL CONFIDENT AND HAPPY. I think as humans, it should be a personal goal to find this thing, whatever it is. When you find this thing and you can incorporate it into your days, you will find that space where your cup feels full and you are your best version of yourself.

Why I Live Everyday Like It’s My Last…

I have a rare disease. It’s just a part of who I am. It’s not simple, it can be quite the opposite.

In the Fall of 2013, there was so much going on in my world. I had just finished training for my current job. I had finished my degree that Spring. Life was in transition. We had just found out my mom had inherited a rare genetic disease called Fabry’s and there was a lot going on with that. I got tested in September of 2013. The genetic specialist really didn’t think I was going to test positive based on what he saw. I had high hopes that I was going to coast by this thing and only have to passively deal with it as a thing in my family. We knew the disease had lots of potentially scary things attached to it. Things like heart disease, kidney failure, higher stroke risk, etc. Then came the day in October that the results were in and Shodair Hospital called me to say, “Your test came back positive, you have Fabry’s…”

Funny thing, I can tell you exactly where I was sitting when I took that call. I think I even know what I was wearing. Even funnier, I don’t remember my reaction. I don’t remember if I cried or sat there in shock or what. It is like I blacked that moment out except for mundane details like location and the outfit I was wearing.

To give a high-level overview, Fabry’s is an X chromosome linked genetic disease. Mothers have a 50% chance of spreading it to their kiddos, regardless of whether they are male or female. Fathers will pass it on to 100% of daughters, but fathers cannot pass it along to their sons. That’s all genetics. We all have all these enzymes in our bodies that keep us functioning. Most of them break down basic body wastes to make them easier to transport out of the body. Having Fabry’s means that I don’t produce enough of a certain enzyme. The waste products that don’t get broken down by this particular enzyme build up in the heart, the brain, and the kidneys, among other places. Unfortunately, this build up can cause the death of the tissues and muscle that make up those organs. When that happens, heart attack, stroke, and kidney failure are all very real possibilities.

That said, a lot of things changed for me on that day in 2013. First, I get to have a million tests every year to make sure I am healthy and that nothing is wrong with me. I also get to live in hyperbole because when I say, “a million tests”, it is really about 10. But hey, it’s a lot more than I ever had to have before. There is a treatment available via IV infusions that needs to be done every couple of weeks. I am not currently being treated, but rather keeping an eye on baseline tests and ensuring that I am not seeing any changes that are alarming. We call it watchful waiting. This is a personal choice, and I know some people don’t understand why I’ve chosen to hold off on treatment, but it is 100% my choice and only for me to understand. At the end of the day, I am still healthy and none of my baseline tests have shown any reason to be alarmed. The second that we see changes, I will have to reconsider my current stance. Honestly, I am never sure that I am making the right choice, but know that I didn’t arrive on foregoing treatment lightly.

This post is not about sympathy, at all. In reality, some really great things have come from this diagnosis. I try hard to take care of myself, mentally and physically. I work out regularly because it helps me physically, but more than that it helps me to sleep well and relieves stress in a way I can’t get anywhere else. I prioritize my relationships with people and go out of my way to spend time with the people that are important in my life. I think this is because, if anything, I have learned that you never know what could happen tomorrow, so take care of those who take care of you. I try not to miss out on opportunities to do the things I want to do. I am a big proponent of taking the trip you want to take, seeing things you want to see, and taking care of yourself when you need to. As I write this, I am in my pajamas, that I’ve been in all day (well, after I worked out this morning). Why? Because I’m tired today. I need downtime, so I am taking it.

Lessons I have learned from all of this:
1. Life can be short, so don’t take it for granted.
2. Control the controllable. I can’t control the fact that this happened. I can control how I handle it and make sure I take care of myself.
3. Be good to the people you love. You never know when something crazy might happen and you might need a shoulder to lean on.
4. Find a way to do the things you want to do while you can enjoy them. Go to Europe, learn to surf, take on CrossFit at 33. 😊
5. Don’t hold grudges. Ever. Resolve your issues with people and move on and keep loving them.

I hope all of you reading this have a wonderful Easter weekend full of family and fun. I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings!

What’s the First Rule of CrossFit?

It IS, in fact, like reverse Fight Club. The first rule of CrossFit is that you never STFU about it…

Yeah, so, I never bought into the hype for the longest time. I have had friends for months trying to coerce me into trying CrossFit. They know who they are and they are currently gloating, undoubtedly. Thank God for good friends and the influence they have on us.

So, here is the thing… for the last several months I have been in a rut and I’ve written about it. I have been climbing a hill in my career and in life… and fighting the proverbial uphill battle. I’d be lying if I told you it has not sucked ass. I have been tired, anxious, and somewhat depressed. Life isn’t easy and just when we are doing well, some shit always happens to remind us of our place. Getting kicked while you are down is awful, but you still have to get back up and figure it out.

I have been grasping at straws and trying to get back to being the fun girl that so many people know and love. Fitness has always made me happy… like always. I am not a cardio girl… I like to lift. I like to lift heavy. I like to be competitive. However, even that has been a struggle lately. After much debate and much pushing from friends in the CrossFit community, I decided to meet with the owner of a local gym. First, I was immediately more at ease upon talking with him about what I needed. It felt like this was worth a shot. Second and lucky for me, one of my amazing and strong female friends opted to join me on the beginner course.

So, a couple things… and you can hate on me, because I just don’t care. Why do people not shut up about CrossFit when they start? Because it is hands down amazing. The people and the community are so damn cool. Never have I ever worked out in a gym where I literally feel like people genuinely want me to succeed. Not only that, but the workouts are crazy hard and so worth it. For the first time in a long time, I walk out of the gym feeling relieved of stress and just loaded with endorphins. I feel happy lately, like actually happy. I am thriving in my job right now because my confidence is soaring and my head is clear of stupid, unnecessary stress. I am seeing pieces of the old me return. I feel stronger already. I feel beautiful again. I haven’t felt like I radiated confidence in a long time, and I think that’s happening again. I sleep better. I LOOK FORWARD to early morning workouts. Who the hell am I??

I know this isn’t something for everyone and I am not promoting it by any means, but for me it is amazing to be in my happy place again. I am going into my weekend feeling incredible and happy. Up until lately, I haven’t been able to say things like that in awhile. I finally feel like I’ve found something that lights me up, and I can’t wait to see myself improve.