Category: Confidence

I Was Always Doing This For Me…

Body image as a female is a super fun thing. I can promise you that even the most in shape women you see are picking themselves apart. Something is too big, too thin, looks funny, etc. We all do it and we all have days where we are overcome with not feeling good about how we look. Bad hair days and fat days are very much real things in the world of being a female, and its rough.

I feel so fortunate when I look back on the last several months of my life. I am learning to appreciate my body and what it can do. I can look in the mirror and see at least some things that I love about myself. I don’t see perfection, and I probably never will, but I don’t hate how I look. Most of you know that I love to lift weights and do crossfit. I am so grateful for these things and what they bring to my life for several reasons.

First, I am currently surrounded by an incredible fitness minded community. I have a whole tribe of people with similar goals to mine who listen to me when I’m upset that I feel bloated and gross, but who also cheer me on when I PR a big lift. They tell me when to pull my head out of my ass and stop beating myself up and force me to appreciate what my body can do. They sit by my side when I literally cry through a workout because I just came back from the worst illness of my adult life and I am slow and weak and struggling. They remind me that even though I still hate burpees, I might have gotten a little faster at them. They push me to level up. How lucky am I to have such an incredible group of people in my life?

My confidence is in a place lately that I never knew was possible. I feel strong and capable, both mentally and physically. There are a whole lot less “I can’ts” and a lot more thinking about how I can do things. This has bled into a better mentality at work and home. It has also helped me to stand up for myself in situations where I might not have in the past. My whole attitude is better and I feel happy. I feel like I finally found the thing that filled an empty spot in my life.

My body image has changed so much. I rarely weigh myself, but I know that my body composition has changed to less body fat and more muscle. I don’t even care about weighing myself… I can’t remember the last time I had a healthy mentality about the scale. Maybe never until now. Not stressing on the scale and just trying to gain strength has been like freedom for me. I am too busy worrying about how to make my body stronger to worry about if I gained a pound this month. I have managed to lose inches off my body without really losing weight and that is a much bigger victory for me, personally.

I know that people have their opinions on crossfit and women who lift. I have heard comments about “not getting too muscular” or “looking masculine” on multiple occasions. That’s cool, everyone has the right to their own thoughts. The cool thing is that my very feminine body can put up some serious numbers lifting. I don’t feel like I look masculine. I look like a strong and capable woman. I look like someone who is maximizing what their body can do. I feel very comfortable in my skin. The opinions of others don’t change how I feel about myself. I was never doing this for anyone else, anyway… I was always doing it for me. Always.

The Sweet Spot

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence and what makes me feel best about myself. I’ve been in a pretty good place mentally for a while now and I keep asking myself what was so different from a few months ago. I think that, especially for women, we all have things that make us feel good in our own skin. Obviously, these things are different for all of us and it is always interesting to hear what they are.

If I have learned anything the last few months, it is that my confident, happy place is my post workout self. Yeah, I said that. You know when you’ve just finished a workout and you are all sweaty and just starting to cool down? Yeah, that is the place where I feel most happy and confident. Maybe it comes from all the endorphins or maybe I am crazy. Probably both, really.

Anyone who knows me knows that working out and strength training are just a part of who I am. I found my fitness sweet spot when I found heavy lifting. Not only am I good at it, but it makes me happy. If you could see my reactions to new PR’s on bench presses or squats, you would know that I am like a little kid when I achieve these milestones. I love when I am sore from working out because it means that tested my body and pushed it to be better that week. I know that sounds weird, but anyone else who lifts will agree with me. We push through the soreness and keep working because we enjoy testing our body’s limits. It’s just ingrained into people who are into strength training.

When I am taking care of my body like I should and getting my workouts in, it’s almost like my mind takes care of itself. I am a person who stresses and has a bit of anxiety at times, but puts on an amazing face to the world. Most days that I am stressed, only the people who I allow to see me struggle even know. Because of that, my stress tends to creep up in different ways… for example, I grind my teeth in my sleep badly and my immune system seems to fail me more than it should. That said, working out makes me so much better mentally. If I am in a bad mood or having a bad day, you can almost guarantee that I missed my workout that day. When I don’t do an early morning workout, I feel more edgy and stupid things make me angry.

Another thing I notice is how taking care of myself seems to carry over into so many other aspects of my life. I do better at work because I handle stress better. I also feel so much more confident which translates into success in selling, almost always. My husband, friends, and family all notice that I am happier and generally more fun to be around. I just feel lighter as a person, and that’s amazing.

It wasn’t really until yesterday that the truth about my confident place really occurred to me. I was in a foul mood yesterday… just irritated with everyone and everything for no good reason. I couldn’t get my morning workout in due to work obligations, which is just a reality of life sometimes. I knew I needed to get to the gym in the afternoon when I could. I kid you not, as soon as I walked in the door to the gym, my attitude changed. Before we even really started, there were jokes being cracked and I was doing stupid dances and smiling. It was a tough workout, and when we were done, I was sweating like crazy and feeling physically spent. As I struggled to put my weights and equipment away due to fatigue, it occurred to me that while I was physically taxed, mentally my cup was so full. The stress of the day didn’t matter in that moment. I felt happy and confident and like I had just kicked ass at doing something that was incredibly challenging.

I am also incredibly lucky to have an incredible support system to work out with. I have met an awesome group of humans who have literally watched me have meltdowns and taken care of me through them. They know that not every day is going to be a victory and they remind me of how hard I work every time things don’t go as planned. These people watched me come back to the gym after a major illness and struggle my ass off. There were tantrums and tears and they not only stood by my side, they brought me back from the brink. There is nothing more comforting than knowing that when things aren’t going your way, you have a whole group of people you can call who will bring you back to earth. These people challenge me to be my best, lift me up, and are just amazing friends.

At the end of the day, this post is very much about my fitness journey, but there is another take away. FIND THE THING THAT LIGHTS YOU UP INSIDE AND MAKES YOU FEEL CONFIDENT AND HAPPY. I think as humans, it should be a personal goal to find this thing, whatever it is. When you find this thing and you can incorporate it into your days, you will find that space where your cup feels full and you are your best version of yourself.

What’s the First Rule of CrossFit?

It IS, in fact, like reverse Fight Club. The first rule of CrossFit is that you never STFU about it…

Yeah, so, I never bought into the hype for the longest time. I have had friends for months trying to coerce me into trying CrossFit. They know who they are and they are currently gloating, undoubtedly. Thank God for good friends and the influence they have on us.

So, here is the thing… for the last several months I have been in a rut and I’ve written about it. I have been climbing a hill in my career and in life… and fighting the proverbial uphill battle. I’d be lying if I told you it has not sucked ass. I have been tired, anxious, and somewhat depressed. Life isn’t easy and just when we are doing well, some shit always happens to remind us of our place. Getting kicked while you are down is awful, but you still have to get back up and figure it out.

I have been grasping at straws and trying to get back to being the fun girl that so many people know and love. Fitness has always made me happy… like always. I am not a cardio girl… I like to lift. I like to lift heavy. I like to be competitive. However, even that has been a struggle lately. After much debate and much pushing from friends in the CrossFit community, I decided to meet with the owner of a local gym. First, I was immediately more at ease upon talking with him about what I needed. It felt like this was worth a shot. Second and lucky for me, one of my amazing and strong female friends opted to join me on the beginner course.

So, a couple things… and you can hate on me, because I just don’t care. Why do people not shut up about CrossFit when they start? Because it is hands down amazing. The people and the community are so damn cool. Never have I ever worked out in a gym where I literally feel like people genuinely want me to succeed. Not only that, but the workouts are crazy hard and so worth it. For the first time in a long time, I walk out of the gym feeling relieved of stress and just loaded with endorphins. I feel happy lately, like actually happy. I am thriving in my job right now because my confidence is soaring and my head is clear of stupid, unnecessary stress. I am seeing pieces of the old me return. I feel stronger already. I feel beautiful again. I haven’t felt like I radiated confidence in a long time, and I think that’s happening again. I sleep better. I LOOK FORWARD to early morning workouts. Who the hell am I??

I know this isn’t something for everyone and I am not promoting it by any means, but for me it is amazing to be in my happy place again. I am going into my weekend feeling incredible and happy. Up until lately, I haven’t been able to say things like that in awhile. I finally feel like I’ve found something that lights me up, and I can’t wait to see myself improve.

10 Letters… Just 10.

Confidence… 10 letters that mean an awful lot. When those 10 letters get shaken, it is like the world is ending.

Let me tell you about confidence. I have a fair amount. I generally don’t find myself having an “I can’t” attitude. Lately, I’ve let the can’t, won’t, don’t, and shouldn’t hit me hard. I don’t exactly know what caused this or when it started, but it has been an unbelievably brutal few weeks. I’m tired, actually exhausted. For the first time in years, I am literally trying to claw my way out of a hole that seems so deep.

I have spent the majority of the last few weeks of my life being my own
worst nightmare. I cry way more than I should. I’m sad and anxious. I take things way more personally than I usually do. It’s not fun for me or anyone that deals with me consistently. My husband loves me but I guarantee he is struggling with me right now. My friends probably are too. On top of crying, I ACTUALLY WANT people to hug me. For those of you that know me, you’re probably laughing at this because you know how far this is from who I am. I am essentially my own worst nightmare. I am this person that needs other people to love me because I am not really loving myself.

If I’m honest, this is a phase in life that sucks. I have no other way to put it, it just sucks. I have basically hit my mid-30’s. I feel like I am in this really strange place. I want to do better for myself and advance in my life and career, but that’s not always easy. Things are so competitive at this point in life. I am not the only person in their 30’s trying to improve and competition is imminent.

I am also going through this phase where there are 2 versions of me. I am definitely a professional Monday through Friday, but part of me still wants to be young all the other times. It is a bit like I am confused. Is it possible to be both of the people I want to be? Can I rock Chuck’s and ripped jeans on the weekend and also be the girl who looks incredibly professional and put together during the week? Is that acceptable? Yeah, these are actual battles I find myself fighting on the daily.

Friends are this whole other thing. I have a ton of friends. At this point in life, some of my friends are mothers of 3 with careers and husbands. Some of my friends are 25 and single with no kids. I love them all because they bring out the best in me, but it is tough to maintain friendships when everyone I know (myself included) seems to be going through similar issues to me. I am grateful for the friends I have but I am trying to maneuver through so many changing dynamics in my own life that sometimes I find myself inadvertently disconnecting from people. If you are one of the people that has felt this, I am going to apologize to you now. How do you maintain friendships when you are not feeling whole yourself?

Marriage… yeah, that too. I thank God every single day that I have a husband who is understanding and caring and willing to deal with all of what I am going through right now. Just like the situation with friends, I sometimes find myself so caught up in what I am feeling that I disconnect from him too. I am so grateful that he listens to me and knows where I am at mentally and also knows when I need space to deal with myself.

I know this phase in my life will pass. It’s likely that a month from now, I will feel totally different, but right now I am just feeling a little lost. Please, please, please tell me I am not the only one fighting some of these battles.  I can’t possibly be the only 30-something out there that is struggling with reality…