Category: Being female

Letting Go… Maybe?

Letting go… one of the hardest concepts in life.

Think about all the things that are hard to let go of. Right down to material possessions like old clothes and homes, I think humans really struggle to let go. There are things that are harder to release yourself from like memories, both good and bad, people, thoughts, whether negative or positive, our own toxic traits, and so many other things.

As I think about the year 2020, one of the things I struggled with the hardest was letting go. I’d guess that everyone has had some struggles this year. This has been a year full of “will things ever be normal again?” We have clung so tightly to what once was that, at times, it has been difficult to enjoy where we are now.

My inability to let go has taken so much joy from my days in the last year. When I say that, I know I am judging my own feelings, which is not okay, but I am choosing to hang on to this, and I know that. I have been in situations that have been incredibly difficult this year. There have been lost loved ones, friendships that have ended, moments of incredible uncertainty, mourning the loss of what once was in my job, and a ton of time spent alone to agonize over all of the above.

Here is the thing, we ALL carry baggage. Even people who will tell you to “just let it go,” are carrying full suitcases of shit from their past. Ever had a situation cause you to struggle to trust others? Baggage. Ever carried old hurts into new relationships? Baggage. Ever let your childhood trauma cause troubles in your adult life? Baggage. I could go on, but you get the point. Is we’re going to carry baggage regardless, how do we do it in a healthy way?

Resolutions are definitely ridiculous and often don’t end favorably. That said, maybe what I need to do in 2021 and beyond, is learn to let go of certain things and carry the rest in a better way. Maybe the best thing to do is remember that while 2020 was insanely challenging, I have never had a year where I learned more.

Despite all the tears, loss, and struggles, there was beauty that came out of a tough year. I learned to let go of my fears and judgement and recognize that I have feelings, lots of them, and feeling them is better than constantly stuffing them. I learned that I am blessed by some really true friendships that have helped me through some big challenges. I also learned that there were some friendships that just weren’t meant to be that I will always miss, and maybe never completely understand the loss of. I have learned a lot about death, grief, and loss, including a solid working knowledge of how I process grief. I have learned that my thoughts about things control my feelings, and not the other way around, which means I am capable of changing my own narrative if I focus on thinking differently. I have basically learned to get real with myself, even when it’s the hardest thing to do.

Maybe I don’t have the whole “letting go” thing down yet, and maybe I never will. Maybe, just maybe, it is okay to hang onto some things when you clean out your closet. When you dig deep into your closet, you almost always find that awful crop top you wore in your early 20’s, and its easy to put that in the donation bag… however, you probably have some fun memories made wearing that thing that you can keep without hanging onto the actual shirt. Odds are, you also have some less than stellar memories in that crop top, which you can also hang onto… but find a new shirt too, make memories in it, learn lessons wearing it, eventually get rid of the actual shirt, keep more memories, but keep the ones you choose to keep. You can do the same with the stages of life. It is possible to accept that that phase (the crop top phase) is over, let go of what you choose to and keep what you choose to.

Here is to a happy and healthy 2021, full of new experiences, lessons, and hopefully a lot of love for ourselves and those around us.

New Year, New Me.

Alright, its been awhile. I know.

I want to write about something tonight, but be forewarned that fitness will be a piece of this post. In particular, CrossFit is at the heart of it. I am about the be “that” person. You know what they say about CrossFit, right? Its like reverse Fight Club in that the first rule is that you never shut the hell up about it.

That said, stick with me. I am not going to write about specific WODs or lifting or burpees. Promise. I have been on this journey for nearly 18 months and I have started really thinking about the areas of my life that have been positively impacted by my fitness. There are the obvious things, like losing weight and my overall health, but what I want to talk about today are some other areas of my life that have been positively impacted.

1. My marriage. I write about this as the first thing because it might be the most important one. In June, we celebrated our 10th anniversary. This is a big accomplishment for a number of reasons, but mostly because marriage is simultaneously the hardest and best thing I have ever done. Anyone who is married knows that its not easy. Taking your life and crashing it into someone else’s and trying to make that a cohesive unit is a challenge, no matter how much you love someone. There are amazing days and there are challenging days and in between its just normal days. My mindset about my marriage is so strong right now and I think that comes from an underlying mentality of not quitting. Just like a challenging workout, when it gets really difficult, you keep going. You don’t quit. I look at my marriage with a “keep going, no matter what” mindset.
2. My confidence level in my career (and basically everywhere). Many of you know that I got promoted at work earlier this year. It took a lot for me to get through that process. It also wasn’t the first promotion position I had applied for with my company. It was the first one I was ready for mentally. For the first time ever, I walked into a job interview feeling like I was ready to do well under pressure. You see, for the last nearly 18 months, I have spent time nearly everyday doing things out of my comfort zone in the gym. I have done some things that I never thought possible, but mostly I have learned to be comfortable outside my comfort zone. Think about all the ways that can transfer into life and career. Think of all the things you would do if you weren’t afraid of being uncomfortable.
3. My willingness to be adventurous. This kind of falls into the comfort zone thing. I have a newfound respect for the sense of accomplishment that comes with being able to say “I did that!” Whenever I see a long hero WOD posted, I cringe, but then I want to do it simply so I can feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. Guess who willingly jumped into the Pacific Ocean with sharks on vacation? I did. Was I scared? HELL YES! I also had the moment of realizing that I didn’t want to leave that trip without saying that I did it. I am terrified of heights but I am really working to force myself to do things that help me face that fear. You miss out on a lot of fun adventures if you don’t deal with what scares you.
4. My body image and relationship with food. You guys, being a female means I still have days where I look in the mirror and absolutely pick myself apart. I still have days where I get caught up in the scale no matter how hard I try not to let my weight determine my happiness. I wrote a pretty good blog a year ago about one of those days. What I can tell you is that those days are a lot less frequent than they used to be. I have finally started being proud of my body for what it is capable of instead of how it looks. There is so much freedom in that. For the first time in my life, I view food with a healthy mindset. I know it is important to appropriately fuel my body, but I also know that doesn’t mean depriving myself of everything I love. I eat carbs, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don’t crash diet, and I don’t beat myself up for every bite of food I eat. I can tell when I haven’t eaten enough and I know that it is important not to under eat and put my body into starvation mode. Also, I now understand that sometimes you have a bad eating day, but it doesn’t have to derail you. You can get back on track and put that behind you. It is possible to like your body and enjoy food without stress. Its not easy, but it is possible.

My life has been bettered on so many levels by changing my mindset. I know that CrossFit didn’t do the work to make me better, I did the work, but I am so grateful for the coaches and gym family who have helped me discover myself. I am so grateful to be more happy, healthy, humble, and positive.

Just Let Me Overthink About It…

If second guessing myself were an Olympic sport, I think I would have a collection of gold medals larger than the one Michael Phelps boasts. I am not remotely kidding. I used to joke that anything worth considering was worth overthinking in my world. This quality of mine has made so many things harder than they have to be and has caused me to have a ridiculous number of emotional meltdowns over the years.

You want to hear something funny? I have been fortunate to have a successful healthcare career that has progressed from working as a clinic receptionist into my current sales role. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I progressed in my career or got promoted, I was 100% sure I was going to fail and that I wasn’t smart or capable enough to do the job. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I was promoted or moved up in roles, I legitimately thought I wasn’t going to get the job. I will never forget the day I got the call offering me my current job. I had been waiting a few weeks to hear something official post interview. I had driven to meet my husband for lunch that day and had decided there was no way that I was going to get this job that I wanted so badly. I was sitting at lunch with him scowling at a bowl of tomato soup and being pissed off about something that wasn’t even confirmed. As we were finishing up our meal, my phone rang with a number from Denver… I went outside to take the call and at the end of it, I had a new job. Clearly my ESP is broken.

This translates over into my gym life too. It is not uncommon for a coach to look at me and remind me of what I can do. Not only do my coaches have to remind me, but my gym friends also push me through my constant second guessing myself. The reminders to try the Rx weight or to add weight are continuous. Thankfully I have a great support network that reminds me what I am capable of and that faces some of the same mindsets as I do at times.

The reason that this is even coming up is because it occurred to me yesterday, as I was second guessing myself through some work stuff that I have going on, that I really need to knock this crap off. At a minimum I need to take some steps to do it less. It comes from this insecure place that is very deep inside of me. I think that place might always be there, but I need to quiet it down. As per usual, my mind functions in lists, so here are some things I am going to try to do to stop the insecure second guessing.

1. I will never say I can’t do something without at least trying it at the gym. If a coach tells me I can do more, I will try it before I get all sassy and pout about it. 97% of the time they know my ability better than I do. The rare exception comes when I am super sore or something like my nutrition is amiss and they aren’t aware of it.

 
2. I will stop being so negative in my head. This applies to so many things in my life. Second guessing myself is essentially another form of negative self-talk. I pride myself on trying to not bash on myself about how I look or my body. This needs to be applicable to my ability to do things and how capable I am at my job.

 
3. I will start taking compliments better. Other people don’t endorse me or say nice things about me because they are just messing around and want to see me fail. Honestly, I literally will tell people they are wrong when they pay me a compliment. For example, one time a girl in a coffee drive through told me that I had amazing eyes… my response? “No, I don’t.” That is some ridiculousness right there. This is also applicable to the times when I have had a boss or colleague sing my praises. I often don’t think I am doing anything special and I need to get better at recognizing that it’s an insult to me and to the person singing my praises when I act like the compliments are crap.

 
4. When that doubtful voice starts getting loud, I will take some time to really think about what I am second guessing. Even if that means writing down the reasons why I should be confident in myself with whatever I am doing. Mostly because this will help me to refocus and not get caught up in a spiral of self-deprecation.

 
In a nutshell, it’s basically time to start embracing my inner badass and owning what she can accomplish as much as I own her failures. Baby steps…

I Had a Crazy Moment… And I’m Entitled to That…Occasionally.

Ever had a completely irrational moment? Like one so epically bad that you don’t even know who you were in that moment? Let me tell you how I ruined a good portion of my Sunday…

As so many of you know I have been on a journey with fitness and general transformation. Obviously, journeys like this have a ton of rewards, but they don’t go without their struggles. I had a test done that measures body composition on Sunday morning. So, in a nutshell, things like body fat percentage, muscle mass, weight, etc. When the results came out, I was in shock… and not in a good way. My body fat was substantially elevated, and I had lost multiple pounds of muscle in a 7-week period. Mind you, I have been working my ass off. Did I make the best eating choices this summer? No. Did I let my nutrition get completely out of control? No. Did I enjoy my summer with some splurges and maybe more beer than I would usually drink? YES! Do I regret the times spent with friends enjoying meals and drinks? Not in a million years. Instead of thinking logically and rationally that maybe the test was off because the fluctuations were just too out of control, what did I do? I immediately repeated that stupid test. Five minutes later, I was up another half percent in body fat and had managed to lose another half-pound of muscle.

At this point, the rational response might’ve been to be skeptical about the results knowing what my pictures show and what I have been doing. Did I choose the rational path? Hell no. What path did I choose, you ask? The epic meltdown, totally crazy path. Driving away from the test, I made it about 6 blocks before the tears started. And we are talking full waterworks, you guys… this was not one tiny tear, this was full on bawling.

Thankfully, one of my good friends had gone with me and was somewhat aware that I was unhappy with the results. As she told me today, it wasn’t until she texted me that she became aware that I was in a “remove all the sharp objects from the house” type of moment. She texted me not to worry about the results because they didn’t make sense and were clearly wrong. My response? Calling myself a “fat mess” and basically saying that I should quit doing all the things I have been doing. Mind you, while I am responding to this text calling myself fat, I am also sitting on my couch hysterically crying. This is not a proud moment for me to share with you, but it needs to be shared. Unbeknownst to me, some other friends had also been summoned to try to help, but to no avail. I just sat there crying, angrily responding to texts, and saying horrible things to my friends about myself. THANK GOD my husband was not home while this was going on. I can only imagine how ugly I could’ve been to him in this moment.

After all of this I decided I’d go ahead and retest in the morning as we had a few drinks on Saturday ahead of these goofy tests I did Sunday. I would hydrate well and see what happened. I also decided somewhere in my crazy state that starvation would fix everything. Yeah, I didn’t say this was my most brilliant moment. I’ve heard that being hungry really makes a person less crazy and upset… insert huge eyeroll here. I did end up eating dinner with some friends and did not go full starvation mode, but I also thought about every bite I took that day.

This is where this story gets comical. I hydrated like crazy and truly woke up Monday weighing a few pounds less. True water weight loss. I went on my way to repeat the test that had already ruined one day of my life. The repeat test was even worse. Somehow, I had gone to sleep and gained another half percent of body fat and lost 2 pounds of muscle. So basically, in a 24-hour time period, I managed to lose about 3-4 pounds of muscle. It was in this moment that it occurred to me that one of two things had happened. The test was either off because of things going on in my body or the test was just not correct. I chose to roll my eyes, fantasize about kicking the machine, and go about my day.

I am not a person to believe that tests are incorrect just because they aren’t going the way I want them to, but this time I have logical reasons to believe that it is incorrect. I have pictures that show my progress. I have visible abs for the first time in my life. I am lifting heavier weights than ever before. It truly does not make sense that I have lost muscle this rapidly. Also, the fact that the results were so different each time makes me believe there were issues.

So that’s a crap ton of back story, but it’s important for several reasons. I have spent most of yesterday and today reflecting on this whole mess. There are so many lessons here, so stick with me for a bit more reading.

1.  I am better than numbers on a piece of paper. I know my story and I know that I have worked my ass off to be stronger and faster. I know that while I’m not 100% where I want to be, I am probably still the strongest and the fastest I have ever been in my life. I let a fancy scale make me forget all of that and reduce me to a crying mess. Screw that scale. How dare I let something like a number diminish my confidence and make me feel bad about a journey I have poured my everything into?

2.  I called myself fat. If you ask my friends, I am the first person to lay into them when they talk to themselves like this. I hate negative self-talk and I threaten to slap people for it. So, why in the hell was I calling myself fat? I am not dumb, but this was a truly dumb moment. I am in the best shape of my adult life and I work so hard to be strong… not skinny or fat, but strong and healthy.

3.  I let this whole mess ruin my Sunday. Instead of enjoying my rest day from the gym and relaxing with family and friends, I spent half of my day alone and crying on my couch. I let that fancy scale control my mood and make me sad. That is time that I will never get back. Time that I spent with horrible things rolling through my head. I’m not proud of that, but I got something positive out of it, reflection and growth.

4.  I repeated a test multiple times that made me feel bad about myself and it got worse every single time. I don’t know if the test is accurate or not, but what I do know is that I won’t be doing one again for a while, if ever. Why? Simply enough, I know I am making progress and I know my body is changing and there are a million other ways to see that. I don’t need to be reduced to a number at this point.

5.  I told myself and my close friends that I might quit doing CrossFit because it “is clearly not working.” WHAT THE HELL?!?!? This is the moment I reflect on and think I was so irrational. If you know me at all, you know that CrossFit has changed me in so many ways. I am better physically, but also mentally. I look at my body different than I ever have (well, except on Sunday when I apparently had a psychotic break…). I have met some lifelong friends and strengthened my existing friendships. I have incredible coaches who support me and want me to do better. Who in their right mind walks away from that?

In all of this, there is a silver lining. As women especially, our brains function emotionally. I had a crazy moment and I am entitled to them…occasionally. However, I think the end goal is to learn from those moments, no matter what causes them. Also, for the sake of all that is holy, stop being mean to yourself. Think about the things you are saying to yourself… if your friend called you a fat mess, would you keep that person in your life? Then don’t say those things about yourself. I know it can be hard and we live in a society that has a certain expectation. If you are doing the best you can do in this life, then give yourself some credit. Don’t let a scale own you, ever… if you are working on being physically fit, there is so much more to look at. Do you feel better? Faster? Stronger? If you can say yes to any of those things, you are doing well for yourself.
If nothing else, I hope my insecure, irrational moment can be a reminder that we all go through these things. You aren’t alone, but please don’t let these moments control your happiness. You are better than that. I am better than that. We are all better than that.