Category: Adulting

Examining what I tolerate… of myself.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, it seems. For some reason, as the year ends, I find myself thinking about a lot of things and reading more and just generally trying to figure out if I am where I want to be in life. 2018 has been an evolution of sorts for me. I started the year out in sort of a rut where my confidence was shaky, and I was trying to figure out what makes Kristin happy. Kind of a “something is missing” situation. I spent most of this year working to figure out the missing pieces and figuring out how to situate my life so that I could fill those holes. I am proud to say that 2018 is ending a lot differently than it started for me. My reflecting right now has more to do with what needs to be eliminated from my life. What are the barriers to feeling happy right now? Are there things that I do or that I allow that maybe set me back in life. So, I started listing things off in my head initially and then in a list and today I discovered that I need to share some things both for accountability and for personal clarity. Being honest with yourself isn’t easy it seems. I suppose the best approach to this blog is a list, and as you all know by now that is often my style. Here are some things I am done with going forward.

1. Comparing myself to anyone other than myself. I constantly find myself looking at what others are doing in all facets of life and scrutinizing if I am good enough. My life progress isn’t wrapped up in what others are doing but rather in my own improvement. Am I perfect? No. Will I ever be? No. Am I doing better than I was a year ago? Definitely.

 
2. Giving more to people than they will ever give to me. I seem to have an affinity towards people who sort of suck the life out of me. My nature is to be a giver, so I gravitate towards doing things for others ahead of myself often. This has nothing to do with anything money wise, but rather with giving my heart and emotions to people. Giving yourself to others is not a bad thing, at all. However, the last year of my life has taught me that I need to stop giving so much of myself to people who will never return those favors.

 
3. Seeking the approval of others. This is one I have put so much thought into as of lately. Generally, I am a very confident person and I don’t seek out much validation from others. That said, I still catch myself seeking approval from people at times. I really hope to be more unapologetically me in the coming months.

 
4. Being overly emotional about people and things that I cannot control. I really do try to only allow myself to stress on the things that I am able to control. That said, I tend to let myself go into a tailspin at times over the things other people say and do. I cannot control what is happening or what other people say to me, but I can control my reaction (or over reaction) to it. Again, this goes back to giving too much of my emotions to things.

 
5. Explaining to people that I barely know why I don’t have kids. Yeah, this one is a lot more specific than some of the others. Here’s the thing… my uterus is sort of my deal, friends. If you know me and care about me and want to ask questions, I am more than willing to have a conversation with you about this. I know I have written about some of my reasons for not having children in the past and I am totally willing to be forthcoming about it. That said, I am so over answering the question “why don’t you have kids?” in its variety of forms to people who don’t know me. The truth is that people have their reasons why they do certain things. Having children is a very personal choice and whether the answer is “because we don’t want them” or “because we are unable to have them,” it’s not any stranger’s business to question the choice. I don’t walk around asking people why they chose to have children, because that seems rude… so I also tend to think its rude to question the choice not to have them.

 
6. Sacrificing my health for anything. Some of you probably know that in December of last year and then again in April of this year, I battled some intense and strange viruses. I don’t know if they were the same thing or totally different, but both times I ended up missing a week of work and in the second illness, I got to spend three nights in the hospital in Billings. I can honestly say that I can’t remember being sicker in my life. The worst part of it all? I legitimately worked up until the day I ended up in the hospital. I drove all over Montana and Wyoming with a 102-103 fever. Not only was it the sickest I can remember being, but in hindsight, it was also the dumbest I can remember being. What kind of idiot decides that work is so important that they would perpetuate an illness to the point of landing in a hospital bed? Yeah, that’s me. Never again.

 
7. Continuing friendships with toxic people. Plain and simple, bring something positive to my life or go away. I am a damn good friend to people and all I ask is that the people I surround myself with bring something good to the table.

 
8. Not fully committing myself to myself. Yeah, you read that right. I will love myself first and most going forward. I have found that my relationships with others seem to improve when I take care of me. I will stop making excuses and just commit myself to improving.

 
So, there is my accountability to myself. I hope that if nothing else, thinking about what I wrote makes people examine what they tolerate. We all deserve to be happy. Figure out what you need to do and go in that direction. If you aren’t your best, you’re no good to anyone else either.

Just Let Me Overthink About It…

If second guessing myself were an Olympic sport, I think I would have a collection of gold medals larger than the one Michael Phelps boasts. I am not remotely kidding. I used to joke that anything worth considering was worth overthinking in my world. This quality of mine has made so many things harder than they have to be and has caused me to have a ridiculous number of emotional meltdowns over the years.

You want to hear something funny? I have been fortunate to have a successful healthcare career that has progressed from working as a clinic receptionist into my current sales role. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I progressed in my career or got promoted, I was 100% sure I was going to fail and that I wasn’t smart or capable enough to do the job. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I was promoted or moved up in roles, I legitimately thought I wasn’t going to get the job. I will never forget the day I got the call offering me my current job. I had been waiting a few weeks to hear something official post interview. I had driven to meet my husband for lunch that day and had decided there was no way that I was going to get this job that I wanted so badly. I was sitting at lunch with him scowling at a bowl of tomato soup and being pissed off about something that wasn’t even confirmed. As we were finishing up our meal, my phone rang with a number from Denver… I went outside to take the call and at the end of it, I had a new job. Clearly my ESP is broken.

This translates over into my gym life too. It is not uncommon for a coach to look at me and remind me of what I can do. Not only do my coaches have to remind me, but my gym friends also push me through my constant second guessing myself. The reminders to try the Rx weight or to add weight are continuous. Thankfully I have a great support network that reminds me what I am capable of and that faces some of the same mindsets as I do at times.

The reason that this is even coming up is because it occurred to me yesterday, as I was second guessing myself through some work stuff that I have going on, that I really need to knock this crap off. At a minimum I need to take some steps to do it less. It comes from this insecure place that is very deep inside of me. I think that place might always be there, but I need to quiet it down. As per usual, my mind functions in lists, so here are some things I am going to try to do to stop the insecure second guessing.

1. I will never say I can’t do something without at least trying it at the gym. If a coach tells me I can do more, I will try it before I get all sassy and pout about it. 97% of the time they know my ability better than I do. The rare exception comes when I am super sore or something like my nutrition is amiss and they aren’t aware of it.

 
2. I will stop being so negative in my head. This applies to so many things in my life. Second guessing myself is essentially another form of negative self-talk. I pride myself on trying to not bash on myself about how I look or my body. This needs to be applicable to my ability to do things and how capable I am at my job.

 
3. I will start taking compliments better. Other people don’t endorse me or say nice things about me because they are just messing around and want to see me fail. Honestly, I literally will tell people they are wrong when they pay me a compliment. For example, one time a girl in a coffee drive through told me that I had amazing eyes… my response? “No, I don’t.” That is some ridiculousness right there. This is also applicable to the times when I have had a boss or colleague sing my praises. I often don’t think I am doing anything special and I need to get better at recognizing that it’s an insult to me and to the person singing my praises when I act like the compliments are crap.

 
4. When that doubtful voice starts getting loud, I will take some time to really think about what I am second guessing. Even if that means writing down the reasons why I should be confident in myself with whatever I am doing. Mostly because this will help me to refocus and not get caught up in a spiral of self-deprecation.

 
In a nutshell, it’s basically time to start embracing my inner badass and owning what she can accomplish as much as I own her failures. Baby steps…

I Had a Crazy Moment… And I’m Entitled to That…Occasionally.

Ever had a completely irrational moment? Like one so epically bad that you don’t even know who you were in that moment? Let me tell you how I ruined a good portion of my Sunday…

As so many of you know I have been on a journey with fitness and general transformation. Obviously, journeys like this have a ton of rewards, but they don’t go without their struggles. I had a test done that measures body composition on Sunday morning. So, in a nutshell, things like body fat percentage, muscle mass, weight, etc. When the results came out, I was in shock… and not in a good way. My body fat was substantially elevated, and I had lost multiple pounds of muscle in a 7-week period. Mind you, I have been working my ass off. Did I make the best eating choices this summer? No. Did I let my nutrition get completely out of control? No. Did I enjoy my summer with some splurges and maybe more beer than I would usually drink? YES! Do I regret the times spent with friends enjoying meals and drinks? Not in a million years. Instead of thinking logically and rationally that maybe the test was off because the fluctuations were just too out of control, what did I do? I immediately repeated that stupid test. Five minutes later, I was up another half percent in body fat and had managed to lose another half-pound of muscle.

At this point, the rational response might’ve been to be skeptical about the results knowing what my pictures show and what I have been doing. Did I choose the rational path? Hell no. What path did I choose, you ask? The epic meltdown, totally crazy path. Driving away from the test, I made it about 6 blocks before the tears started. And we are talking full waterworks, you guys… this was not one tiny tear, this was full on bawling.

Thankfully, one of my good friends had gone with me and was somewhat aware that I was unhappy with the results. As she told me today, it wasn’t until she texted me that she became aware that I was in a “remove all the sharp objects from the house” type of moment. She texted me not to worry about the results because they didn’t make sense and were clearly wrong. My response? Calling myself a “fat mess” and basically saying that I should quit doing all the things I have been doing. Mind you, while I am responding to this text calling myself fat, I am also sitting on my couch hysterically crying. This is not a proud moment for me to share with you, but it needs to be shared. Unbeknownst to me, some other friends had also been summoned to try to help, but to no avail. I just sat there crying, angrily responding to texts, and saying horrible things to my friends about myself. THANK GOD my husband was not home while this was going on. I can only imagine how ugly I could’ve been to him in this moment.

After all of this I decided I’d go ahead and retest in the morning as we had a few drinks on Saturday ahead of these goofy tests I did Sunday. I would hydrate well and see what happened. I also decided somewhere in my crazy state that starvation would fix everything. Yeah, I didn’t say this was my most brilliant moment. I’ve heard that being hungry really makes a person less crazy and upset… insert huge eyeroll here. I did end up eating dinner with some friends and did not go full starvation mode, but I also thought about every bite I took that day.

This is where this story gets comical. I hydrated like crazy and truly woke up Monday weighing a few pounds less. True water weight loss. I went on my way to repeat the test that had already ruined one day of my life. The repeat test was even worse. Somehow, I had gone to sleep and gained another half percent of body fat and lost 2 pounds of muscle. So basically, in a 24-hour time period, I managed to lose about 3-4 pounds of muscle. It was in this moment that it occurred to me that one of two things had happened. The test was either off because of things going on in my body or the test was just not correct. I chose to roll my eyes, fantasize about kicking the machine, and go about my day.

I am not a person to believe that tests are incorrect just because they aren’t going the way I want them to, but this time I have logical reasons to believe that it is incorrect. I have pictures that show my progress. I have visible abs for the first time in my life. I am lifting heavier weights than ever before. It truly does not make sense that I have lost muscle this rapidly. Also, the fact that the results were so different each time makes me believe there were issues.

So that’s a crap ton of back story, but it’s important for several reasons. I have spent most of yesterday and today reflecting on this whole mess. There are so many lessons here, so stick with me for a bit more reading.

1.  I am better than numbers on a piece of paper. I know my story and I know that I have worked my ass off to be stronger and faster. I know that while I’m not 100% where I want to be, I am probably still the strongest and the fastest I have ever been in my life. I let a fancy scale make me forget all of that and reduce me to a crying mess. Screw that scale. How dare I let something like a number diminish my confidence and make me feel bad about a journey I have poured my everything into?

2.  I called myself fat. If you ask my friends, I am the first person to lay into them when they talk to themselves like this. I hate negative self-talk and I threaten to slap people for it. So, why in the hell was I calling myself fat? I am not dumb, but this was a truly dumb moment. I am in the best shape of my adult life and I work so hard to be strong… not skinny or fat, but strong and healthy.

3.  I let this whole mess ruin my Sunday. Instead of enjoying my rest day from the gym and relaxing with family and friends, I spent half of my day alone and crying on my couch. I let that fancy scale control my mood and make me sad. That is time that I will never get back. Time that I spent with horrible things rolling through my head. I’m not proud of that, but I got something positive out of it, reflection and growth.

4.  I repeated a test multiple times that made me feel bad about myself and it got worse every single time. I don’t know if the test is accurate or not, but what I do know is that I won’t be doing one again for a while, if ever. Why? Simply enough, I know I am making progress and I know my body is changing and there are a million other ways to see that. I don’t need to be reduced to a number at this point.

5.  I told myself and my close friends that I might quit doing CrossFit because it “is clearly not working.” WHAT THE HELL?!?!? This is the moment I reflect on and think I was so irrational. If you know me at all, you know that CrossFit has changed me in so many ways. I am better physically, but also mentally. I look at my body different than I ever have (well, except on Sunday when I apparently had a psychotic break…). I have met some lifelong friends and strengthened my existing friendships. I have incredible coaches who support me and want me to do better. Who in their right mind walks away from that?

In all of this, there is a silver lining. As women especially, our brains function emotionally. I had a crazy moment and I am entitled to them…occasionally. However, I think the end goal is to learn from those moments, no matter what causes them. Also, for the sake of all that is holy, stop being mean to yourself. Think about the things you are saying to yourself… if your friend called you a fat mess, would you keep that person in your life? Then don’t say those things about yourself. I know it can be hard and we live in a society that has a certain expectation. If you are doing the best you can do in this life, then give yourself some credit. Don’t let a scale own you, ever… if you are working on being physically fit, there is so much more to look at. Do you feel better? Faster? Stronger? If you can say yes to any of those things, you are doing well for yourself.
If nothing else, I hope my insecure, irrational moment can be a reminder that we all go through these things. You aren’t alone, but please don’t let these moments control your happiness. You are better than that. I am better than that. We are all better than that.

I Was Always Doing This For Me…

Body image as a female is a super fun thing. I can promise you that even the most in shape women you see are picking themselves apart. Something is too big, too thin, looks funny, etc. We all do it and we all have days where we are overcome with not feeling good about how we look. Bad hair days and fat days are very much real things in the world of being a female, and its rough.

I feel so fortunate when I look back on the last several months of my life. I am learning to appreciate my body and what it can do. I can look in the mirror and see at least some things that I love about myself. I don’t see perfection, and I probably never will, but I don’t hate how I look. Most of you know that I love to lift weights and do crossfit. I am so grateful for these things and what they bring to my life for several reasons.

First, I am currently surrounded by an incredible fitness minded community. I have a whole tribe of people with similar goals to mine who listen to me when I’m upset that I feel bloated and gross, but who also cheer me on when I PR a big lift. They tell me when to pull my head out of my ass and stop beating myself up and force me to appreciate what my body can do. They sit by my side when I literally cry through a workout because I just came back from the worst illness of my adult life and I am slow and weak and struggling. They remind me that even though I still hate burpees, I might have gotten a little faster at them. They push me to level up. How lucky am I to have such an incredible group of people in my life?

My confidence is in a place lately that I never knew was possible. I feel strong and capable, both mentally and physically. There are a whole lot less “I can’ts” and a lot more thinking about how I can do things. This has bled into a better mentality at work and home. It has also helped me to stand up for myself in situations where I might not have in the past. My whole attitude is better and I feel happy. I feel like I finally found the thing that filled an empty spot in my life.

My body image has changed so much. I rarely weigh myself, but I know that my body composition has changed to less body fat and more muscle. I don’t even care about weighing myself… I can’t remember the last time I had a healthy mentality about the scale. Maybe never until now. Not stressing on the scale and just trying to gain strength has been like freedom for me. I am too busy worrying about how to make my body stronger to worry about if I gained a pound this month. I have managed to lose inches off my body without really losing weight and that is a much bigger victory for me, personally.

I know that people have their opinions on crossfit and women who lift. I have heard comments about “not getting too muscular” or “looking masculine” on multiple occasions. That’s cool, everyone has the right to their own thoughts. The cool thing is that my very feminine body can put up some serious numbers lifting. I don’t feel like I look masculine. I look like a strong and capable woman. I look like someone who is maximizing what their body can do. I feel very comfortable in my skin. The opinions of others don’t change how I feel about myself. I was never doing this for anyone else, anyway… I was always doing it for me. Always.

The Sweet Spot

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence and what makes me feel best about myself. I’ve been in a pretty good place mentally for a while now and I keep asking myself what was so different from a few months ago. I think that, especially for women, we all have things that make us feel good in our own skin. Obviously, these things are different for all of us and it is always interesting to hear what they are.

If I have learned anything the last few months, it is that my confident, happy place is my post workout self. Yeah, I said that. You know when you’ve just finished a workout and you are all sweaty and just starting to cool down? Yeah, that is the place where I feel most happy and confident. Maybe it comes from all the endorphins or maybe I am crazy. Probably both, really.

Anyone who knows me knows that working out and strength training are just a part of who I am. I found my fitness sweet spot when I found heavy lifting. Not only am I good at it, but it makes me happy. If you could see my reactions to new PR’s on bench presses or squats, you would know that I am like a little kid when I achieve these milestones. I love when I am sore from working out because it means that tested my body and pushed it to be better that week. I know that sounds weird, but anyone else who lifts will agree with me. We push through the soreness and keep working because we enjoy testing our body’s limits. It’s just ingrained into people who are into strength training.

When I am taking care of my body like I should and getting my workouts in, it’s almost like my mind takes care of itself. I am a person who stresses and has a bit of anxiety at times, but puts on an amazing face to the world. Most days that I am stressed, only the people who I allow to see me struggle even know. Because of that, my stress tends to creep up in different ways… for example, I grind my teeth in my sleep badly and my immune system seems to fail me more than it should. That said, working out makes me so much better mentally. If I am in a bad mood or having a bad day, you can almost guarantee that I missed my workout that day. When I don’t do an early morning workout, I feel more edgy and stupid things make me angry.

Another thing I notice is how taking care of myself seems to carry over into so many other aspects of my life. I do better at work because I handle stress better. I also feel so much more confident which translates into success in selling, almost always. My husband, friends, and family all notice that I am happier and generally more fun to be around. I just feel lighter as a person, and that’s amazing.

It wasn’t really until yesterday that the truth about my confident place really occurred to me. I was in a foul mood yesterday… just irritated with everyone and everything for no good reason. I couldn’t get my morning workout in due to work obligations, which is just a reality of life sometimes. I knew I needed to get to the gym in the afternoon when I could. I kid you not, as soon as I walked in the door to the gym, my attitude changed. Before we even really started, there were jokes being cracked and I was doing stupid dances and smiling. It was a tough workout, and when we were done, I was sweating like crazy and feeling physically spent. As I struggled to put my weights and equipment away due to fatigue, it occurred to me that while I was physically taxed, mentally my cup was so full. The stress of the day didn’t matter in that moment. I felt happy and confident and like I had just kicked ass at doing something that was incredibly challenging.

I am also incredibly lucky to have an incredible support system to work out with. I have met an awesome group of humans who have literally watched me have meltdowns and taken care of me through them. They know that not every day is going to be a victory and they remind me of how hard I work every time things don’t go as planned. These people watched me come back to the gym after a major illness and struggle my ass off. There were tantrums and tears and they not only stood by my side, they brought me back from the brink. There is nothing more comforting than knowing that when things aren’t going your way, you have a whole group of people you can call who will bring you back to earth. These people challenge me to be my best, lift me up, and are just amazing friends.

At the end of the day, this post is very much about my fitness journey, but there is another take away. FIND THE THING THAT LIGHTS YOU UP INSIDE AND MAKES YOU FEEL CONFIDENT AND HAPPY. I think as humans, it should be a personal goal to find this thing, whatever it is. When you find this thing and you can incorporate it into your days, you will find that space where your cup feels full and you are your best version of yourself.

Why I Live Everyday Like It’s My Last…

I have a rare disease. It’s just a part of who I am. It’s not simple, it can be quite the opposite.

In the Fall of 2013, there was so much going on in my world. I had just finished training for my current job. I had finished my degree that Spring. Life was in transition. We had just found out my mom had inherited a rare genetic disease called Fabry’s and there was a lot going on with that. I got tested in September of 2013. The genetic specialist really didn’t think I was going to test positive based on what he saw. I had high hopes that I was going to coast by this thing and only have to passively deal with it as a thing in my family. We knew the disease had lots of potentially scary things attached to it. Things like heart disease, kidney failure, higher stroke risk, etc. Then came the day in October that the results were in and Shodair Hospital called me to say, “Your test came back positive, you have Fabry’s…”

Funny thing, I can tell you exactly where I was sitting when I took that call. I think I even know what I was wearing. Even funnier, I don’t remember my reaction. I don’t remember if I cried or sat there in shock or what. It is like I blacked that moment out except for mundane details like location and the outfit I was wearing.

To give a high-level overview, Fabry’s is an X chromosome linked genetic disease. Mothers have a 50% chance of spreading it to their kiddos, regardless of whether they are male or female. Fathers will pass it on to 100% of daughters, but fathers cannot pass it along to their sons. That’s all genetics. We all have all these enzymes in our bodies that keep us functioning. Most of them break down basic body wastes to make them easier to transport out of the body. Having Fabry’s means that I don’t produce enough of a certain enzyme. The waste products that don’t get broken down by this particular enzyme build up in the heart, the brain, and the kidneys, among other places. Unfortunately, this build up can cause the death of the tissues and muscle that make up those organs. When that happens, heart attack, stroke, and kidney failure are all very real possibilities.

That said, a lot of things changed for me on that day in 2013. First, I get to have a million tests every year to make sure I am healthy and that nothing is wrong with me. I also get to live in hyperbole because when I say, “a million tests”, it is really about 10. But hey, it’s a lot more than I ever had to have before. There is a treatment available via IV infusions that needs to be done every couple of weeks. I am not currently being treated, but rather keeping an eye on baseline tests and ensuring that I am not seeing any changes that are alarming. We call it watchful waiting. This is a personal choice, and I know some people don’t understand why I’ve chosen to hold off on treatment, but it is 100% my choice and only for me to understand. At the end of the day, I am still healthy and none of my baseline tests have shown any reason to be alarmed. The second that we see changes, I will have to reconsider my current stance. Honestly, I am never sure that I am making the right choice, but know that I didn’t arrive on foregoing treatment lightly.

This post is not about sympathy, at all. In reality, some really great things have come from this diagnosis. I try hard to take care of myself, mentally and physically. I work out regularly because it helps me physically, but more than that it helps me to sleep well and relieves stress in a way I can’t get anywhere else. I prioritize my relationships with people and go out of my way to spend time with the people that are important in my life. I think this is because, if anything, I have learned that you never know what could happen tomorrow, so take care of those who take care of you. I try not to miss out on opportunities to do the things I want to do. I am a big proponent of taking the trip you want to take, seeing things you want to see, and taking care of yourself when you need to. As I write this, I am in my pajamas, that I’ve been in all day (well, after I worked out this morning). Why? Because I’m tired today. I need downtime, so I am taking it.

Lessons I have learned from all of this:
1. Life can be short, so don’t take it for granted.
2. Control the controllable. I can’t control the fact that this happened. I can control how I handle it and make sure I take care of myself.
3. Be good to the people you love. You never know when something crazy might happen and you might need a shoulder to lean on.
4. Find a way to do the things you want to do while you can enjoy them. Go to Europe, learn to surf, take on CrossFit at 33. 😊
5. Don’t hold grudges. Ever. Resolve your issues with people and move on and keep loving them.

I hope all of you reading this have a wonderful Easter weekend full of family and fun. I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings!

10 Letters… Just 10.

Confidence… 10 letters that mean an awful lot. When those 10 letters get shaken, it is like the world is ending.

Let me tell you about confidence. I have a fair amount. I generally don’t find myself having an “I can’t” attitude. Lately, I’ve let the can’t, won’t, don’t, and shouldn’t hit me hard. I don’t exactly know what caused this or when it started, but it has been an unbelievably brutal few weeks. I’m tired, actually exhausted. For the first time in years, I am literally trying to claw my way out of a hole that seems so deep.

I have spent the majority of the last few weeks of my life being my own
worst nightmare. I cry way more than I should. I’m sad and anxious. I take things way more personally than I usually do. It’s not fun for me or anyone that deals with me consistently. My husband loves me but I guarantee he is struggling with me right now. My friends probably are too. On top of crying, I ACTUALLY WANT people to hug me. For those of you that know me, you’re probably laughing at this because you know how far this is from who I am. I am essentially my own worst nightmare. I am this person that needs other people to love me because I am not really loving myself.

If I’m honest, this is a phase in life that sucks. I have no other way to put it, it just sucks. I have basically hit my mid-30’s. I feel like I am in this really strange place. I want to do better for myself and advance in my life and career, but that’s not always easy. Things are so competitive at this point in life. I am not the only person in their 30’s trying to improve and competition is imminent.

I am also going through this phase where there are 2 versions of me. I am definitely a professional Monday through Friday, but part of me still wants to be young all the other times. It is a bit like I am confused. Is it possible to be both of the people I want to be? Can I rock Chuck’s and ripped jeans on the weekend and also be the girl who looks incredibly professional and put together during the week? Is that acceptable? Yeah, these are actual battles I find myself fighting on the daily.

Friends are this whole other thing. I have a ton of friends. At this point in life, some of my friends are mothers of 3 with careers and husbands. Some of my friends are 25 and single with no kids. I love them all because they bring out the best in me, but it is tough to maintain friendships when everyone I know (myself included) seems to be going through similar issues to me. I am grateful for the friends I have but I am trying to maneuver through so many changing dynamics in my own life that sometimes I find myself inadvertently disconnecting from people. If you are one of the people that has felt this, I am going to apologize to you now. How do you maintain friendships when you are not feeling whole yourself?

Marriage… yeah, that too. I thank God every single day that I have a husband who is understanding and caring and willing to deal with all of what I am going through right now. Just like the situation with friends, I sometimes find myself so caught up in what I am feeling that I disconnect from him too. I am so grateful that he listens to me and knows where I am at mentally and also knows when I need space to deal with myself.

I know this phase in my life will pass. It’s likely that a month from now, I will feel totally different, but right now I am just feeling a little lost. Please, please, please tell me I am not the only one fighting some of these battles.  I can’t possibly be the only 30-something out there that is struggling with reality…