Secret Time…

Secret time…

I am a fitness junkie who is unhappy with where my body is at right now. Like so many others, I gained some weight in the last year or so.

It feels like a dirty secret to say that I am not in love with my body right now. It hurts my heart to say it and I feel like others will judge me for saying it. Here’s the truth, I let myself stop caring about myself during all of the trauma and chaos that was the 18 months of my life. I continued to work out, but not wholeheartedly. I quit even trying to eat healthy. I drank too much. Yes, it was a rough time filled with a pandemic, multiple deaths of friends and family, and dealing with my own disease. No, that doesn’t make it acceptable.

I think what hurts the most is that not only do I not like my body right now, but I do have an invisible “forever” disease that makes it so important to make my health a priority. So I am in a bad place both mentally and physically. Body image and dysmorphia has always been there but I have learned how to love my body for what it is capable of, which is so much. I’ve felt that fading recently, even. I know my body does amazing things, and I am grateful for what it gives me, but I need to get back to loving myself. Before anyone starts giving me advice, I do understand what I need to be doing and have already started working towards some new goals.

Another thing, my goal is not, nor was it ever, to be thin or skinny. Yes, I would like to like what I see in the mirror, without a doubt. However, the most important goal I have for myself is to get back to feeling healthy and happy in my body. There isn’t a “goal weight” or some number that is dictating the goals I set. It is more about a feeling I want to achieve and I will know when I start having that feeling again. I want to be intentional about fueling my body and working out. I want to be consistent again.

So, with all of that said, I am fighting another mental battle. I am totally in favor of body positivity, but it has come to a point where body positivity sometimes can feel like it’s a new form of shaming. I would NEVER condone body shaming anyone, and trust me when I say that I know I am body shaming myself and it isn’t a good look. However, being told repeatedly that I shouldn’t want to change my body almost makes me feel like I’m being shamed for wanting to make changes to my body to better my health. I am incredibly happy for anyone that feels healthy and happy. I am incredibly happy for all who are comfortable in their skin and I honestly am striving to get there again. I just don’t want to feel bad because I am not there now. I know that my reactions to things are within my control, and I am trying to work on managing that. There isn’t an amount of memes or inspirational messages that can make me love my body. That is something I need to work through and make happen on my own. I need to work on getting healthier in my mindset, so that’s what I will be doing. I won’t be doing it because someone else told me to be body positive. I will be doing it because I know how great it feels to be comfortable in your skin, and I miss that.

I really just wish we could normalize letting people be where they are and supporting them through it, whether they are totally comfortable in their skin and feeling confident, or making changes to get to that point. If you feel good in your skin, please be confident as hell and share it with the world… it is contagious. Show up and support your people whether they are feeling as good as you or trying to get there. When a friend makes a choice to start working out or eating differently to make themselves healthier, support the hell out of them. Deciding to make a healthy change is hard. When a friend is feeling themselves, support the hell out of them. We forget that it takes all kinds and everyone is striving for the best life. That might look different for each of us, but we can still be there are support one another.

I will find my happy space again. In the meantime, I promise that I will support all of you whether you are already in your happy place or trying to get there. I don’t hate my body, but I need to learn to love it again.