The Sham that is Self-Care.

Self-care seems to be the latest trending fad. Everything is self-care and honestly, I am over it. Yes, there is value in self-care, but most of the time I think we are missing the point.

Is self-care a spa day or a manicure? Yes, of course, that could be a form of self-care, but there is so much more to it than that. Sometimes you absolutely need to prioritize getting a massage, or a facial, or a new haircut. Without a doubt, that is self-care in one form. That said, I don’t think stuff like that is even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to caring for oneself.

Another thing I feel like I have encountered, and probably done plenty of myself, is the idea that we need to remove everyone from our lives that is “toxic,” while failing to acknowledge that we are also toxic. Is it important to remove or unfollow people that make us feel shitty? OF COURSE. However, we also need to realize that we might be the person someone else is unfollowing because we make them feel shitty. It’s not a one way street. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WALKING THIS PLANET HAS TOXIC TRAITS. No one is exempt. Self-care also doesn’t mean that we don’t have to care for anyone else. “I’m doing me” does not mean that we don’t have to be there for anyone else. Being a good friend and human is also important. I can tell you from my own first hand experience that pushing others away in an attempt to better ourselves ends so badly. I have watched friendships and past relationships blow up in my face because I failed to take care of the people I cared for while only worrying about myself. Eliminating interpersonal relationships because you are “doing you,” could, in theory, be a means of self-care, but it is a lonely road.

You want to know what I am doing lately to care for myself?

I am learning to allow myself to feel all of my negative emotions and be okay with that. I am acknowledging that I will probably always carry around a high level of anxiety and learning that it is okay, despite it being the most emotionally wrenching thing in my life. I am spending time alone and writing down my thoughts, no matter how vile they may be. I am learning that I judge myself entirely too much, and trying to learn how not to do that. It isn’t easy, but it is a form of self-care.

I am learning that I am not the person I thought I was. I am not capable of always being an extrovert, and honestly, people exhaust me. I am realizing that forcing myself to be social when I don’t feel up for it actually hurts my relationships more than it helps them. Despite feeling some sense of FOMO, sometimes I just need to say no to plans because I need mental rest in order to show up better for the people I love.

I am someone who feels like perfection is possible, but for some reason I think I need to be perfect at everything I do. I always have. It is probably some sort of coping mechanism of children with traumatic upbringings or something. Regardless, I have set a standard for myself that is impossible, and while I know that logically, it doesn’t stop my inner self critic. I have to constantly be working on the idea that sometimes a B effort is good enough and not everything has to be an A+.

I am also working on the concept that it is not circumstances that cause my reactions to things, but my thoughts about said circumstances. Even if someone looked me in the eye right now and told me I wasn’t looking my best, that is merely a circumstance. My thoughts about what that means are what is causing me to have negative feelings. Today, for example, my circumstance is that I am tired and not feeling 100%. Instead of just accepting that, my mind automatically thinks I am not going to get anything done today which causes me to feel inadequate. My goal is to be able to think “I might not get the house cleaned, but this is a great time to catch up on some reading or watch that movie I have been wanting to watch.” I’d love to be able to do that and feel like I did exactly what I set out to do today, to rest.

My point is that self-care, as we mentally portray it, is entirely inaccurate. More often than not, it is the tough stuff. The stuff where you dig deep into your soul and really look at yourself to try to clean up some of your toxic traits to live a healthier life. Sometimes it is getting the damn massage, but also not feeling guilty that you took a time out to do it. Sometimes it is admitting to yourself that you are, in fact, toxic, and that it isn’t always everyone else around you. Sometimes self-care is knowing that you are “doing you,” but taking a time out when a friend needs you, even when it wasn’t convenient. Sometimes, self-care is saying no to plans because you know damn well that you can’t show up how you want to… and NOT having FOMO about it. So, by all means, enjoy a spa day or a red wine bubble bath, but also take some time to do the tough stuff.