If second guessing myself were an Olympic sport, I think I would have a collection of gold medals larger than the one Michael Phelps boasts. I am not remotely kidding. I used to joke that anything worth considering was worth overthinking in my world. This quality of mine has made so many things harder than they have to be and has caused me to have a ridiculous number of emotional meltdowns over the years.
You want to hear something funny? I have been fortunate to have a successful healthcare career that has progressed from working as a clinic receptionist into my current sales role. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I progressed in my career or got promoted, I was 100% sure I was going to fail and that I wasn’t smart or capable enough to do the job. EVERY SINGLE TIME that I was promoted or moved up in roles, I legitimately thought I wasn’t going to get the job. I will never forget the day I got the call offering me my current job. I had been waiting a few weeks to hear something official post interview. I had driven to meet my husband for lunch that day and had decided there was no way that I was going to get this job that I wanted so badly. I was sitting at lunch with him scowling at a bowl of tomato soup and being pissed off about something that wasn’t even confirmed. As we were finishing up our meal, my phone rang with a number from Denver… I went outside to take the call and at the end of it, I had a new job. Clearly my ESP is broken.
This translates over into my gym life too. It is not uncommon for a coach to look at me and remind me of what I can do. Not only do my coaches have to remind me, but my gym friends also push me through my constant second guessing myself. The reminders to try the Rx weight or to add weight are continuous. Thankfully I have a great support network that reminds me what I am capable of and that faces some of the same mindsets as I do at times.
The reason that this is even coming up is because it occurred to me yesterday, as I was second guessing myself through some work stuff that I have going on, that I really need to knock this crap off. At a minimum I need to take some steps to do it less. It comes from this insecure place that is very deep inside of me. I think that place might always be there, but I need to quiet it down. As per usual, my mind functions in lists, so here are some things I am going to try to do to stop the insecure second guessing.
1. I will never say I can’t do something without at least trying it at the gym. If a coach tells me I can do more, I will try it before I get all sassy and pout about it. 97% of the time they know my ability better than I do. The rare exception comes when I am super sore or something like my nutrition is amiss and they aren’t aware of it.
2. I will stop being so negative in my head. This applies to so many things in my life. Second guessing myself is essentially another form of negative self-talk. I pride myself on trying to not bash on myself about how I look or my body. This needs to be applicable to my ability to do things and how capable I am at my job.
3. I will start taking compliments better. Other people don’t endorse me or say nice things about me because they are just messing around and want to see me fail. Honestly, I literally will tell people they are wrong when they pay me a compliment. For example, one time a girl in a coffee drive through told me that I had amazing eyes… my response? “No, I don’t.” That is some ridiculousness right there. This is also applicable to the times when I have had a boss or colleague sing my praises. I often don’t think I am doing anything special and I need to get better at recognizing that it’s an insult to me and to the person singing my praises when I act like the compliments are crap.
4. When that doubtful voice starts getting loud, I will take some time to really think about what I am second guessing. Even if that means writing down the reasons why I should be confident in myself with whatever I am doing. Mostly because this will help me to refocus and not get caught up in a spiral of self-deprecation.
In a nutshell, it’s basically time to start embracing my inner badass and owning what she can accomplish as much as I own her failures. Baby steps…
Life Of Kristin: An Experiment in Creativity 