10 Letters… Just 10.

Confidence… 10 letters that mean an awful lot. When those 10 letters get shaken, it is like the world is ending.

Let me tell you about confidence. I have a fair amount. I generally don’t find myself having an “I can’t” attitude. Lately, I’ve let the can’t, won’t, don’t, and shouldn’t hit me hard. I don’t exactly know what caused this or when it started, but it has been an unbelievably brutal few weeks. I’m tired, actually exhausted. For the first time in years, I am literally trying to claw my way out of a hole that seems so deep.

I have spent the majority of the last few weeks of my life being my own
worst nightmare. I cry way more than I should. I’m sad and anxious. I take things way more personally than I usually do. It’s not fun for me or anyone that deals with me consistently. My husband loves me but I guarantee he is struggling with me right now. My friends probably are too. On top of crying, I ACTUALLY WANT people to hug me. For those of you that know me, you’re probably laughing at this because you know how far this is from who I am. I am essentially my own worst nightmare. I am this person that needs other people to love me because I am not really loving myself.

If I’m honest, this is a phase in life that sucks. I have no other way to put it, it just sucks. I have basically hit my mid-30’s. I feel like I am in this really strange place. I want to do better for myself and advance in my life and career, but that’s not always easy. Things are so competitive at this point in life. I am not the only person in their 30’s trying to improve and competition is imminent.

I am also going through this phase where there are 2 versions of me. I am definitely a professional Monday through Friday, but part of me still wants to be young all the other times. It is a bit like I am confused. Is it possible to be both of the people I want to be? Can I rock Chuck’s and ripped jeans on the weekend and also be the girl who looks incredibly professional and put together during the week? Is that acceptable? Yeah, these are actual battles I find myself fighting on the daily.

Friends are this whole other thing. I have a ton of friends. At this point in life, some of my friends are mothers of 3 with careers and husbands. Some of my friends are 25 and single with no kids. I love them all because they bring out the best in me, but it is tough to maintain friendships when everyone I know (myself included) seems to be going through similar issues to me. I am grateful for the friends I have but I am trying to maneuver through so many changing dynamics in my own life that sometimes I find myself inadvertently disconnecting from people. If you are one of the people that has felt this, I am going to apologize to you now. How do you maintain friendships when you are not feeling whole yourself?

Marriage… yeah, that too. I thank God every single day that I have a husband who is understanding and caring and willing to deal with all of what I am going through right now. Just like the situation with friends, I sometimes find myself so caught up in what I am feeling that I disconnect from him too. I am so grateful that he listens to me and knows where I am at mentally and also knows when I need space to deal with myself.

I know this phase in my life will pass. It’s likely that a month from now, I will feel totally different, but right now I am just feeling a little lost. Please, please, please tell me I am not the only one fighting some of these battles.  I can’t possibly be the only 30-something out there that is struggling with reality…